


Dream: For My Heart

by ExpressingAmericano



Series: DREAM [1]
Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Clingy Jongho, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Physical Violence in one chapter only, Secret Relationship, Soft Jongho, Y/N is a Noona, ateez ensemble - Freeform, predebut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-03
Updated: 2020-03-31
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:49:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 46,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22999474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ExpressingAmericano/pseuds/ExpressingAmericano
Summary: A story about two trainees who had become fond of each other during their long period of trainee years but due to the harsh and unfair reality of the industry they are about to enter, they struggled more along the way. Making them choose only one between two of their dreams. They must choose what will make them genuinely happy, but will it really make them happy?
Relationships: Choi Jongho/Original Female Character(s), Choi Jongho/Reader, Choi Jongho/You
Series: DREAM [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1652890
Comments: 3
Kudos: 9





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This is my first ever work here but my future works aren't limited only to this kind of genre-- I'll write in different genres too. I hope that you, who is reading this will feel the emotions that are depicted by the characters. This story is inspired by the current issues and typical hardships of the trainees and idols in SK for the past few years but also a product of how I perceive one’s struggles as they pursue for their dream debut.
> 
> If you're also a Jongho stan, I'm here to water his tags more and would hope that more people would get to recognize & genuinely love him too. Thank you for giving love & support for ATEEZ's maknae and unbeatable main vocal!

You are a diligent trainee in KQ Entertainment for almost 4 years. You first discovered your potential in singing and dancing during your high school days which planted a seed in your heart to start dreaming about becoming an idol in the future. After graduation, you chose to pursue being a trainee the moment you passed the audition in this small yet growing company. Unfortunately, being talented yet a slow learner compared to other trainees, you failed to debut with the trainees you first trained with. Being the passionate woman that you are, still you chose to strive practicing day and night in order to reach your dream debut.

One day, as you were on your way to the female's locker room after hours of practicing a certain choreo, you heard a sweet voice of a young boy coming from one of the company's vocal practice room. It was your first time to hear such beautiful voice since you started training in KQ.

"Beautiful, right?" You turn your head after hearing the voice of a young guy.

"Is he new?" You questioned back after seeing that it was your friend Hongjoong.

"Yeah. He's the only one who passed the latest audition held last week. If you were there, you would've witnessed how this boy won even B.B Trippin's heart through his voice," Hongjoong said, voice sounding grateful and relieved while remembering the boy's audition.

"Well, that means he's really THAT good," you emphasized.

"But there's one problem, well, of course it'll be worked out more in the future and then for sure, he'll be ready to get a spot for the debut group," he answered.

"Oh well, I'll go now. I better finish the songs I'm working on. I better work on 'em and get that debut!"

He then went to his designated practice room which the company provided for him since he is one of the longest male trainees and he excels in writing and composing songs. Hongjoong had been a trainee for 4 years before you came. He had been the only male trainee until Yunho came 3 years after him. He had been a good friend to you and Yunho, who is also a very reliable co-trainee who will surely encourage you when you feel like giving up.

  
__________________________________

  
"Y/N, you've been a trainee for 4 years already and you still sing like that?! Until now, you still can't identify the difference between "so" and "la"?"

"Ahm..." You can't find the right words to say.

"Haven't I already told you where to gather your voice's strength? Do you really want to debut?! With your vocal skills, you'll just be an ornament in a group. Your goal is to debut as an idol, not as a back-up dancer!" Then your vocal trainer walked out and slammed the door.

A heavy lump was already forming in your throat while you were hearing those words but you cannot do anything but lower your head and utter words such as "I'm so sorry" and "I'll keep on practicing". The new and younger female trainees felt sorry for what they have witnessed during the class and since the vocal trainer left already, it means that class is done. Everyone, though hesitant, bid goodbye to you and you gave them a half-smile. Tears started to well up so you told them to go and enjoy their lunch.  
You are left in the vocal practice room with the keyboard. Tears started to fall on your cheeks while you stare at the keyboard. After what seems like 10 minutes, you just sat there in front of the keyboard quietly. No loud sobbing, just silent tears that kept streaming down your face. You kept on listening to the different keys by pressing them with your index finger, doing your best to miraculously be able to distinguish all the notes and keys this time. As you kept yourself busy, you have completely forgotten that you needed to eat. Your finger slipped when you pressed "la" numerous times already because your tears dropped on some of the keys.

Your phone suddenly rang, it was Yunho calling.

"Noona~ are you still inside the vocal practice room?" Yunho's sweet and charming voice somehow made you feel light the moment you heard it.

"Ah! Yes. Why do you ask?" You answered while clearing your throat and rubbing the tears away from your cheeks.

"Ahm...it's already Jongho's turn to use the room but he is too shy to go inside since he saw you crying while using the keyboard," You immediately felt embarrassed after hearing what he said.

You glanced at the wall clock and saw that an hour had already passed from your schedule in using the practice room.

"Wait, J-Jongho?" You were so surprised and just blurted the unfamiliar name. You whipped your head towards the door and saw that it was narrowly opened.

"Ah, he's the new trainee. I received a KKT message from him just before I called you, he said that it had been an hour already and he's really shy to ask if you were done since he saw you cryi-..." You cut off Yunho in the middle of his explanation.

"Alright! Alright! I get it! Ugh, stop mentioning that, it's so embarassing that the new guy saw me. I'm going. Bye," You quickly cut off the call since you were too embarrassed that he hasn't just seen you crying but he had also been waiting for an hour already.

When you went out, you saw him talking to the phone and you're sure it's Yunho telling him that you know everything now.  
"Sometimes Yunho should be taught what must be said and what must not be said," you whispered to yourself while rolling your eyes but then you met Jongho's eyes.

The boy has a slightly tanned skin, his hair is in a coconut-like style which is the usual hairstyle used by middle and high school male students and he's wearing his black training suit. He shyly bowed to you, saying sorry.

"Ah no! No! It's me who should be saying sorry for being too selfish and not mindful of the time" You apologized

"Ahm...Eh... what was your name again? And what year were you born?" You asked.

"I'm Choi Jongho, and I was born in 2000. It's nice to meet you," Jongho answered you shyly and politely.

"Oh, right! Jongho, it's nice to meet you. I'm Y/N, I was born in 1998. You can call me Noona."

Then you gave him a simple smile and left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is already a COMPLETE WORK but I will update the FIRST 5 CHAPTERS for now. I'll add 2 chapters every WEEKENDS.


	2. Chapter 2

Weeks have passed after your first encounter with Jongho. You’re on your way to the female's locker room when you heard Jongho's sweet voice again but this time it's more powerful compared to what you heard before. You overheard the vocal trainer compliment him and that made you slightly jealous.

“When will I ever do what the teacher is asking me to do? What if I'll never be enough? Will I ever debut?”  
These words kept running in your mind the whole day but that didn't stop you from practicing.

_______________________________

You practice your singing every other day while the rest of the weekdays are for your dance practices. It isn't a secret that you are the greatest dancer among the female trainees and you gladly help them whenever they have difficulty in dancing. Since the vocal trainer gave you special trainings after you were scolded last time, you weren't able to be in the same class with them anymore, so dance lessons are the only time you spent with them.

It's already evening, the practice went smoothly and perfectly just like the previous ones. You decided to go home after changing your attire from training clothes to casual clothes. It has been already a routine for you to walk for some time around the practice rooms before going home. You just love reminiscing and evaluating the events that happened the whole day.

While doing your routine, you saw that the light is still on in the main dance practice room. You went there thinking maybe the female trainees forgot to turn it off. As you walk closer, EDM music can be heard from inside. Nonetheless, you still went inside thoughtlessly and got surprised when you saw Jongho still practicing. He was also surprised so he suddenly stopped practicing.

"Oh my god, I'm sorry that I startled you. I was about to turn off the music and lights because I thought the girls forgot to turn them off."  
"Ah, N-noona, it's alright. No worries." He stuttered a little.

"Gosh, why do I always interrupt you. Geez, what's wrong with me? I'm not really used to someone still practicing at this room at this hour besides me so I really thought no one was inside," you explained.

Jongho was still shy and awkward but he just gave you a hesitant smile. You both just stayed standing for a couple of seconds before you decided to break the silence.

"Oh, right! I-I must go. Again, sorry for interrupting you," you turned away to leave but then turned to him again. Funny that you saw him open his mouth as if he also wanted to say something to you.

"Ahm... do you want help?" You gladly offered

__________________________________

Your heart is beating fast, not because of the Iced Americano you were drinking but because you know that your next class would be the vocal lessons. You are determined but anxiety always accompanies you during this class. It is now more nerve-wracking because the special vocal lessons are done 1:1.  
Nothing new happened after that lesson. You got scolded again. Again, you're left alone with the keyboard. This time you don't feel like crying, you're just exhausted and let out a heavy sigh.

“Thank you so much for helping me with this choreo. Noona, if you need help... with your vocals... well I can help you too.”

You remembered Jongho’s offer to help you and kept on thinking about it. It's so not you to ask for someone's help. Even though you have been practically friends with Hongjoong and Yunho for a few years now, they also tried to help you before but it just doesn't work. It is very difficult for you to learn unless it's either from the vocal/dance trainer.

Your phone vibrated and you got a KKT message from your Mom wishing you are doing fine and everything will pay off.

"Just do what you love. What will genuinely make you happy," you read the last sentence just loud enough that only you will hear it. That is your motto and it is what keeps you pursuing this tiring and difficult field.  
Then you decided.

__________________________________

You and Jongho stayed in the company much later than all of the trainees. He chose not to practice the choreo today so he can help you with your vocal skills which made you embarrassed but you felt touched. The two of you chose to use the small vocal practice stall rather than the main practice room.

"Okay, so let's start with 'do'," he pressed the key and you tried to copy it. He nodded then further continued to the next keys until you reach "la", your greatest enemy.

You contemplated at first, you look at him as if you're telling him Jongho, I can't.  
He smiled at you and encouraged you to try it first.

"You won't know the result if you won't try it. That's my motto" he said with a shy smile.  
You let out a deep sigh, and tried it. Of course... you still sounded off.  
You felt your face turn red out of embarrassment because first, a new guy is the one teaching you. Second, you sounded crappy and helpless in front of him, and third, he is 2 years younger than you. Your pride is hurt.

__________________________________

An hour had passed and he is still patiently teaching you when you suddenly remembered something.  
"Oh my god, Jongho! Don't you have a class at your school tomorrow?! You need to wake up early. Gosh, I troubled you AGAIN. Maybe we should call it a day."  
He laughed softly when he heard you panicking.  
"Ah yes, Noona. Seems like I wasn't mindful of the time too," he said while scratching the back of his head.  
"Too? Geez, are you mocking me?" you said referring to that incident were you weren't mindful of the time in the vocal training room. You were both laughing and you adored how cute his eyes turns into a crescent while laughing, just like a crescent moon beautifully shining in the night sky. You also noticed his cute teefies whenever he laughs, they were small and you always see them while he talks but whenever he laughs, you find them cuter. Jongho looks really adorable whenever he is happy, you thought.  
"That's enough. Let's go. I'll treat you next time to the near cafe. My treat," you gladly offered.


	3. Chapter 3

Waiting for your turn, you're watching Hongjoong and Yunho practicing a choreo in the dance practice room. You're scheduled next to use the room on your own that day for a different choreo assigned for you to study. The 3 of you had your usual banters as the time passed. A few moments later, Yunho greeted someone delightfully. Yunho's eyes always sparkle and he has a puppy-like charm which can turn a bad day to a good one.

"Hyung!! Hyung!!"

An excited Jongho entered the room and ran straight to Yunho's arms, "I finally finished level 2 of the dance lesson. One of the trainers praised me too! They even told me they'll buy me chicken on our next class"

  
"Alriiiiight! Well you surely deserve it!"

Yunho yanked Jongho closer to him. The two really look cute and good together, as if they were real brothers. That was the first time you saw the boy so jolly, not the Jongho you meet everytime you practice who is shy and serious. After a few times of practicing together, you somehow get to know more about him. He is really a shy but funny boy. He began giving dad jokes when he started to feel comfortable with you. He thinks mature compared to his age and you really adore that about him. He is indeed a very reliable person.  
Hongjoong offered to buy them a meal for lunch today and the 2 excitedly accepted it. A thought came into your mind that time,

  
“How fun would it be to have your friends to train with you...”

__________________________________

"Eh? Y/N, what's with you right now?" Your vocal trainer asked but in a nicer tone which you only answered with a puzzled expression. "You can now reach 'la', Congrats!"  
You cannot believe what you just heard and your doubting if the per son with you right now is really your vocal trainer.

  
__________________________________

  
"Jongho, what do you like?"

  
"I'm good as long as there is an Iced Americano... no sugar," he answered shyly

  
"2 Iced Americanos please, both with no sugar," you said. The cashier asked what pastries would you like to add. Jongho told you he's not fond with sweets. He can't stand them well so he just chose that pork-floss bread.  
Both of you decided to take the table beside the window. The lights on that place is dim and the walls are painted navy blue with few beige lines. You told Jongho that today the vocal trainer complimented you and you were so grateful for his patience in helping you. He was glad that he was able to help you and hopes that you will further improve. As the time passes, you were able to tell him some funny stories about your training period in KQ. You were also able to tell him even the sad parts.

When both of you finished, you both waited at the bus stop. The bus that stopped have ads from familiar faces. It made you miss them.

"Oh, those are ads from the Sunbaes!" Jongho blurted out innocently.

  
"Ah.. yeah?" you answered him softly.

  
"Noona, you okay?" he sounded genuinely worried.

  
"They are my friends... and I miss them so much."

  
Jongho didn't know what to say so he just patted your back. It's awkward and to be honest, you don't allow younger people to do that to you but this time, you don't mind it.


	4. Chapter 4

2 years had passed and new male trainees came to the company. 3 more boys passed the auditions, they are Mingi, San and Seonghwa. Many trainees are now having schedules for using the practice rooms so somehow scheduling is getting tough but that didn't hinder you and Jongho to keep on practicing together. Your friendship with Jongho continue to grow and it really did helped the two of you. You improved in singing and he improved with his dancing.

  
There is another trainee who is also having a hard time, it was San. They boy is so energetic yet like you, he gets scolded. You overheard one day that he's been scolded in front of all the male trainees. You remembered yourself from him and felt so bad towards him yet you are still assured San will be okay since he have 5 more brothers to lean on.

__________________________________

"Noona," Jongho whispered to you in the middle of your practice.

  
"What are you whispering for?" you find it funny and cute.

  
"Are you free on Saturday?"

  
"Hmm. Not sure, why?"

  
"Well... there's this movie that I want to watch with the hyungs but no one wants to come with me and-..." you cut him off and continued it instead since you know what he will say

  
"And you can't bare watching movies alone. Yeah. I know. You can't even stand eating alone."

  
"I'll take that as a yes"

  
Saturday came, you woke up earlier than the time you usually wake up. You were so excited but don't really understand why. You had your low carb breakfast then took a bath. You went straight to your closet and took time to choose what clothes to wear. You chose a simple cute dress that you haven't worn since you've been training all the time. You chose to wear a cute hairclip with a small apple as a design, put on your sandals and wore light make-up. You are just so excited today, you kept on thinking that maybe it's because this is your first rest day after a long time since your friends debuted. You never had a friend to go out with since then, you had decided to spend your days studying at the university, practicing at the company and sleeping at your small apartment. Hongjoong is always busy with his mac book and Yunho always use his free time playing games, you barely have hangouts with them too.

  
When you arrived, you noticed that the mall was decorated with a lot of hearts, flowers and some balloons. You noticed that there were a lot of couples at the mall's park and chocolate stalls are on sale.

It's Valentine's Day.

You honestly had no idea it was today and you had this little panics inside you, thinking that it was only the two of you together today. You tried to ignore your annoying mind that kept on running embarrassing thoughts.

“It’s okay, Y/N. This is just a friendly hangout. Jongho just needed someone to accompany him, and it just happens that none of his hyungs want to go,” you kept on calming yourself.

You walk inside the mall and saw Jongho waiting for you just beside the fountain located inside. He hasn't seen you yet and he was too indulged by whatever song he was listening to with his ear pods on. He is staring at the fountain so his back is facing you, then you carefully poke his back to let him know you're there.

  
He turned to face you and smiled. He's wearing a brown sweater with white patterns and his black pants. His sleeves are rolled up to his elbow. He wore his ring-like earrings on both ears. You noticed that today he fixed his hair, you're not just sure if he went to a salon first or he made it himself.  
He removed his ear pods and said,

"Oh, you came!" in the most cheerful tone you ever heard from him. "I already bought us tickets! Where do you want to eat first?"

  
You weren't able to answer him for a couple of seconds, so he raised one of his eyebrows.  
"A-ah yeah! What were you saying again?" you hated yourself because you just acted dumb in front of him. You can’t help it though.

  
"Yup. You're really hungry," he laughed.

  
You know you're on a special diet, and need to lose 5 kilos for the target weight required by the company for you but you don't want to ruin the mood and Jongho really just looks so cute, adorable and happy today. He's smiling a lot.

  
"Let's eat on a buffet, I'll pay mi-..."

  
He put his index fingers on your lips to shush you then made a cute pouting face. You noticed that his lips looks plump, soft and pinkish as he pouts. That time, somehow you had a chance to see his face closer than usual. You realized that after 2 years since you first met him, the shy boy he used to be already grew well and you can’t deny the fact that he looks better now. You were shocked by his gesture, he never did that before nor will you ever imagined that he will do that to you.

  
"Yah! Choi Jong-..." he cut you again with his index finger with a shushing sound this time.

  
"I'm paying today. C'mon!!" he said with a very charming voice then he grabbed your hand and pulled you to wherever he will treat you.

  
Your heart beat kept on quickening and you can feel that you're blushing. You just followed him as he is still holding your hand but this time more gentle. You watch his back view while you were running like kids.

Damn it. What is this that I'm feeling right now?

__________________________________

A wide variety of seafood, meat and vegetable dishes welcomed you at the buffet restaurant that Jongho pulled you to. It is one of the luxurious buffet you know in that mall.

"Woah, you sure you'll be the only one paying today??" you wondered if this boy came from a wealthy family but you didn’t bother to ask anyway. Jongho whose eyes were just so excited to see how much food he would devour, kept his eyes exploring the whole place

  
"Ahhh Noona, don't worry. I wouldn't pull you here if I can't. Damn, just imagine how many calories we need to burn after this. The company might kick us," he said while laughing

Kick. The word gave you chills.

"Oh look over there! Let's take that table with a grill near the meat section. That would be a perfect place for us!!" he said

  
You chuckled on how cute he is when he gets excited just because of food. He pulled you again like a kid in order to fall in line and handed you your plate and cutleries. Both of you had fun getting all the food that you both love to eat. All in all, you had 5 plates in your table - seafood, meat, vegetable dishes, 2 sets of desserts that weren't that sweet, for both of you don't enjoy sweets that much.

  
"Woah. This would really take A LOT of dance practices to burn" you said while looking at the plates.

  
"Then that means we need more dance practices together," he chuckled and started grilling some meat. You blushed but Jongho didn’t notice that. "So Ma'am, how do you like your meat grilled?" he mimicked the tone of someone who's working in a grill resto.

  
"Medium rare please," you just played along and chuckled.

  
You watched him grill the meat. Besides enjoying how giddy he was the whole time, you still can't ignore some thoughts in your mind.

  
Dance practices together... what he told you kept on bothering you. Not because you don't like it, instead you love it so much. You know the company rules, but you know both of you are still trainees so that won't be a big deal. Your friendship with Jongho is almost perfect, that's what you always think, you are always grateful for it. Being friends with Hongjoong and Yunho was also fun and they're also the reason why you're enjoying your trainee days when most of your friends debuted, though you're feeling hopeless because your trainee period is becoming too long compared to the others. Both of them made you feel that you’re not alone in this journey and have already been like your extended family for the past 5 years BUT being with Jongho just feels different. In his presence, you feel happier and more excited. His maturity fits your mindset well which makes every conversation you have with him more interesting and fruitful.

  
You continue to adore at how he is so focused not to burn the meat. He rolled up his sleeves further then continued grilling. Once all the meat are cooked, he put your medium rare meat on your plate. After an hour, both of you were able to engulf all the foods on the plates. Both of you want to have another round yet the scheduled time for the movie is near.

  
Heading to the movie theater Jongho asked if you would love to have a sugar free yogurt with fruits while watching the movie, which you agreed to.

  
“Fuck this diet. I’ll eat what I want to eat… Today.” you thought.

  
While waiting beside him who's currently ordering the yogurts, you noticed that most of the movies are in love story genres, the least genre you would ever like to watch. You started to feel uncomfortable and you can't stop thinking how awkward would it be if he really chose a love story movie.

  
"Hey J-Jongho, what kind of movie are we going to watch??" you lightly pulled the lowest seam of his sweater.

  
"Well it's a movie most of the hyungs don't like. I feel down about it, they ditched me," he snorted then pouted. He handed you your yogurt and his fingers slightly brushed yours. It looks like an accident since he doesn't look bothered, you're the only one dying inside.

  
"Ya, Jongho. Just tell me what it is." You sounded frustrated and unconsciously hit him lightly on his arm. You felt how his fore arm was quite firm despite his young age. He laughed at your gesture and you blushed by what you just did.

  
“Cute”

  
You heard him mumble but you just ignored it.

  
"You'll see when we get inside," he laughed showing his cute gummy smile and you saw his beautiful crescent eyes once again. "Let's go!"


	5. Chapter 5

Indeed, Jongho is someone very fun to be with and his taste for movies are the same with yours. You were so grateful it was a zombie apocalypse film. At this time, you'll rather watch this gore movie than those lovey dovey films which will just make you more uncomfortable. At least the gore movie succeeded in changing your focus. Both of you laughed after screaming and got excited at some parts but there are times that Jongho will scream so hard and turn his face away from the screen which leads to him slightly facing you. Though he's head is crouched over, it's somehow near and the proximity makes your heart race. It’s dark and your only source of light is the one that comes from the screen which helped you see how Jongho’s expression looks like whenever he is scared. To get rid of his face being near you, you just made fun of him by forcing him to face the screen. The audience were also screaming aloud so it was really a roller coaster of fun inside. You both finished the movie laughing. Jongho wipes the tears he had from laughing and screaming too much while you kept on giggling about how funny he was.

  
"I think your hyungs knew that you'll be that loud so they chose not to watch with you," you said while the two of you walked out of the movie theatre, "also it's an american movie, most of them won't enjoy it without the subs. Hongjoong will surely fall asleep too."

  
"Nahh, they're all babies. I'm sure they just can't watch it" Jongho answered stubbornly like a kid.

  
"You are the baby!"

  
He made a cute annoyed noise while pouting and said, "Stop calling me a baby!!"

  
"Hah! No! If you just saw how cute you were inside."

  
It was after you said that, that you realized how that statement could possibly mean for him. Of course, you can’t take it back anymore which made you hate yourself.

  
"Oh really? So I was cute, huh?" his tone was teasing and he smirked.

  
"Oh. My. God. So what are you saying??" you rolled your eyes and turned your back away from him which made him chuckle.

  
You heard him sigh deeply and call your name; dropping the formalities. You felt him hold your hand gently.

  
Shit. You were startled by his gesture. You felt your face getting hot but your hands were getting cold. He slightly pulled you to him so you kind of stumble at the side but he was able to catch you by your waist by his free hand. You nervously gulped at that very embarrassing moment but you still won't let your guard down.

  
"Yah! Jongho! What's with dropping the formalities?!" you pulled your hand away and hit his head kind of hard but enough to wake him up from his weird actions.

  
"Ah!" was all he was able to say while he rubbed his head.

  
"Aiiish! That's what you get for being rude!!" your hands are now on your waist like how a typical mom does when they scold their children. The heat coming from all the embarrassment is swallowing you. You don’t know how to express how you’re feeling right now towards his teasing. You just want to release this and you can’t help but just express it as if you’re really angry.

  
"Rude??? You're the one who called me a baby first! Or you actually just want to call me 'baby' officially," he said tauntingly which made him earn another hit on his head from your hand. You are now sure Jongho noticed you blushing. You can’t believe the way he is teasing and making fun of you right now and he seems to be having fun while doing it.

  
"My goodness. This kid really has the guts! I'm calling your hyungs!! They should be the one here with you in the very first place. I shall scold them. I better leave now. YOU. STAY. HERE."

He panicked when he saw you take out your phone. You were already dialing Hongjoong's phone number when Jongho grabbed your phone and raised it up.

  
“Hello? Y/N??”

  
You heard Hongjoong already pick up but there you are struggling to reach your phone. You might be the Noona but there's no doubt that Jongho is still taller than you.

  
"Choi Jongho!! Give me that back!!" Your hands are raised while you tip toed but you still can't reach it.

  
“Cute”

  
You heard him mumble it again and see him slightly blushing because your faces are close to each other.

You overheard some passersby whispering, "Couples nowadays..." and shake their heads when they passed by the two of you.

  
"Noona~ please don't tell them." You saw him end the call while still raising his hand.

  
"What? You think I will just let this pass?!"

  
"Pleaseeee, Noona. I'm sorry. But just don't tell anyone," his voice is desperate and his eyebrows furrowed.

  
You are now getting frustrated and people are slowly noticing the two of you so you chose to finally give up.

  
"UGH! FINE!" you are frowning and your arms are crossed. He handed you your phone and said he’s sorry for making fun of you. You get your phone and put it back in your shoulder bag. While fixing your dress, he said sorry again.

  
"Alright, alright! Just stop messing around"

  
"Okayyy..." you saw that he felt sorry and he looked really worried when he was asking you not to tell anyone. One second, he’s teasing you and now he’s begging, you got confused at how his mood changed suddenly. It seems that, others knowing that he went to watch a movie with you is a big deal for him. He looked at you with worried eyes and furrowed eyebrows, waiting for a reply.

  
You sighed, "and yes, I won't tell anyone."

__________________________________

You ride the bus together. He is still apologizing even though you’ve been telling him to forget about it and that it didn’t really make you upset ever since you ride the bus. He asked if he can walk you to your apartment once you get to your bus stop. It was getting dark and he said that it might be dangerous.  
"C'mon, it's where I live for years already. No need to worry," but he was really insisting and to be honest, you can't resist him. He was so sweet and caring, you love his pout and his cute eyes. You badly want to let him know these beautiful things you adore about him but you rather keep them inside your heart instead.

  
After 2 hours, the bus reached the stop. You felt his hand touch your shoulder, lightly patting it, trying to wake you up. You suddenly sit up straight when you realized you were leaning on his shoulder. He smiled and you got embarrassed again.

__________________________________

"Noona, I'm really thankful. Seriously. Thanks for today," he said "I'll go now, goodbye."

  
"Goodbye, take care" you answered. As you were struggling to find your keys, it suddenly started to rain.

“Great. What is wrong with this day,” you mumbled to yourself.

  
You turned & saw Jongho struggling in the rain to find a shelter. Good thing you have an umbrella outside your house which you use whenever this kind of unexpected weather happens. You took the umbrella and ran towards Jongho. He felt that suddenly he's not getting drenched by the rain and looked up to see an umbrella over him. You pulled him closer by wrapping one of your arms to his waist so both of you could fit under the umbrella.

  
"Damn it, seriously. You're a baby!!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's for now!! 2-3 chapters will be added this weekends.


	6. Chapter 6

You threw a towel and a white hoodie at him. "Make sure you dry yourself well, okay? And try my hoodie, I think it'll fit on you. I don't think I have any shirt that can fit you but I use male sized hoodies so go ahead."

  
"Thank you" he said shyly.

  
You started brewing your favorite beans and prepared 2 sets of cup and saucers. You turned to ask if he would like a few teaspoons of brown sugar on his brewed coffee but you blushed at what you saw.  
You didn't expect to see him shirtless. He seems to forget that you are still there and pats the towel on his torso. Yes, he still might be a teen but you did not expect his torso to be well-firmed too. He doesn't have any abs...yet and his tan skin is drenched by the rain glitters.

  
"Oh my god!" you gasped. He heard you so he immediately covered his chest with the towel.

  
You covered your face with your hand. "Jongho!! Seriously." You headed to your room immediately to look for the pajama pants that can fit him. You heard him laugh when you were going in your room and shouted, “s-sorry!!”.

  
"Damn it! Oh my God! Oh my God! What is with this day??" You asked yourself while rushing to your closet and looking for a pair of pajama pants that can fit on his waist. You're sure it'll fit since he's not that buff yet. Your face is getting hotter and you tried to calm yourself by fanning your face.

  
"Okay, okay Y/N. You were just shocked. Jongho's just being friendlier and naughtier than usual, nothing more. He just became so excited today and more clingy... than usual. Nothing more." You breathed and continued looking for some pajama pants.

  
When you found it, you handed it to him. "Kiddo, here try this. I can't let you wear those wet pants all night. I also checked the weather forecast, it’s going to rain harder tonight. You can stay here, if it’s alright with you," he stood up without thinking twice which made you tell him, "OH PLEASE DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE DOING THAT HERE. GO IN MY BATHROOM." You pointed to where your bathroom is.

__________________________________

Jongho's wearing your clothes. You also helped him dry his clothes by hanging them on your clothes' dryer stand. You two had your brewed coffees in silence. Kind of awkward but more of a relaxing moment where both of you are enjoying the aroma and taste of the brewed coffee. Finally, you decided to break the silence.

  
"Hey, Jongho"

  
He lifted his head and looked at you.

  
"Since I agreed not to tell anyone about a while ago. Don't tell anyone that I'll let you sleep here too, okay?"  
He nodded. He gave you a smile and took a sip of his coffee. Indeed there is like an unspoken mutual understanding between the two of you. Obviously, you aren’t doing something wrong but you two understand how this world works. It’s unfair but you have no choice, everything comes with a price.  
Despite how most of the people palpitate from too much caffeine, you don't and instead you feel more relaxed right now. Sitting here while Jongho sits across you in your dining table is something new to you. Both of you usually hangout at the café near the company, you spend time practicing together and have casual conversations daily but from what happened today until this very hour, everything is new, unfamiliar and heart-warming for you.

  
Again there's a moment of silence. You stole some glances at him when you drank from your cup. He seems to be thinking about something deeply. He looks like he wants to say something but he's hesitating. You stood up to fill your cup again with brewed coffee from your coffee maker.

  
"Noona" he said with a hint of haste in his voice while you're pouring a coffee on your cup.

  
"Hmm?"

  
"Is this hoodie from your boyfriend?" He asked innocently.

  
You chuckled from his answer, "No. I told you, that's mine. I wear male sized hoodies, didn't I say that?"

  
"Okay, maybe from your ex?" You are sure he heard you but he acts as if he’s investigating.

  
You chuckled again from his dumb question. You went back to your seat after filling your cup. "Jongho, what's with all these questions?? I never had a boyfriend though."

  
"Really? Why?" His eyes got round in disbelief and curiosity is really killing him right now.

  
"Eh? I have no time for that. Well, I had crushes from my middle and high school days but I never engaged into a relationship."

  
"Why?"

  
"I chose to be a trainee, I dreamed to debut as an idol. Relationships are..." you hesitated and bit your lower lip and looked down on your cup before continuing, "distractions."

  
He stood and filled his cup too, "What do you think of the company's no dating rule, Noona?"

  
"Well, it's normal for us trainees though. I honestly agree with it. I've seen a lot of trainees from our company fail when they were caught. Some even failed because they got distracted."

  
"What happened to them?" Jongho asked. You can feel him looking at you, so you looked at him directly into his eyes this time with no awkwardness.

  
"They got kicked and was never able to debut, Jongho."

__________________________________

You prepared your extra mattress which you and your former trainee friends used whenever you have sleepovers during your holidays. It somehow brings back the old memories of your debuted friends. You miss them so much but you haven't had any contact with them ever since they debuted. First, they don't have their phones for a year. Second, they all now live in one dorm which you don't know the address. Third, they now use another practice room which are for the company's artists only that is located on the 2nd building of KQ. Sometimes you watch their vlives and comments like a fan.

  
Tonight, you are with your friend who made you feel happy again. You cannot accept this certain feeling you have right now, which is greater than usual. You are scared, really scared. You missed this kind of feeling, where you have a friend that you can rely on, who is there willing to improve with you and who is there to understand you in all circumstances but then fear creeps in you.

  
“I cannot afford to lose another friend.” You turned off the light and turn on the side table lamp then went back to lie on your bed. You silently turn to your side and glanced at him as he tries to sleep at the mattress below, then he opened his eyes which startled you.

  
"Holy mother-..." you stopped before swearing completely.

  
"Oh sorry," he chuckled "I was just wondering... where is your family?"

  
"My goodness, Jongho! You are so random."

  
"I'm just curious. You live here alone. What if you're sick?"

  
"They live abroad. They just send me money so when I'm sick, I have no choice but to admit myself alone to the hospital. I’ve lived like that for years."

  
He didn't reply.

  
"You?" You asked.

  
"Oh. They're in the province with my younger brother. I live here in Seoul alone too but lately the company told me that I will soon move with the Hyungs. Isn’t that cool? It will lessen my homesickness."

  
You also didn't reply.

  
After a while, you are getting sleepy, "Jongho, I'll prepare breakfast tomorrow. Have your breakfast here before you leave," then you turned off the lamp from your side table. Jongho also went to sleep as he curled under the blanket you gave him.

__________________________________

You were getting a nightmare. Your whole body was cold and your lying on your side facing the wall. You aren’t sure if you made a sound, but your body is just stiff and you hugged your pillow tighter. After a few moments, you felt the other side of your bed dip then a warm hug is wrapped around you. You felt his hand caress your hair while his warm breath hits your nape. His movements were so careful, not making any sound.

  
He then hugged you tighter. You felt his chest press against your back and felt his heartbeat. Slowly you started to get warm, his heartbeat is like a lullaby to you. You aren't sure if your ears are deceiving you but you heard him hum softly as if he's trying to make you sleep again. Slowly, you became sleepy.

  
You woke up and looked down to where Jongho is lying, checking if he already woke up. Gladly, he's still sleeping soundly. You saw him pouting and sleeping peacefully like a baby. You can't help but smile at how he looks right now. You took a photo of him secretly then you remembered what happened last night. "Was that just a dream??" You whispered ",but it felt so real."

  
After the two of you had breakfast, he took a shower on your bathroom and used his now dried clothes. You would love to let him use your hoodie but you can't let anyone see an evidence of him sleeping at your place, people might get the wrong idea. After that, Jongho went home.


	7. Chapter 7

The company told you that they are planning to debut a girl group after 2 years. They told you that you will surely have a spot on that group so just keep on improving. If the current trainees' skills would still not be ready after 2 years, they wanted to debut you as a soloist, but it is still under discussion.

  
"A S-soloist?!" You blurted out. To debut in a girl group is already a good news, but being offered to debut as a Soloist is another story. It is still a good news but that means you need to further improve. More pressure and new lessons will be added if ever because you were trained to be in a group.  
"Don't worry. We'll still keep you updated, also our company still can't handle two groups now so we're still discussing about it." the manager who will be assigned to the next debut group said.

__________________________________

Weeks had passed and you trained more than your usual schedule. You got extra lessons too and strived hard to lose weight, especially that you did that ultimate cheat day with Jongho. Your time practicing with him lessened because both of you became more busy with your own trainings. You heard that two more male trainees came. You found out their story from Yunho. He said that Yeosang came and passed the auditions. Then on the next audition held week after that, another trainee who is so loud and energetic also auditioned and passed. His name is Wooyoung, both came from a well-known company. Yunho find their friendship adorable because Yeosang said that Wooyoung chose to follow him here when he knew that he quit from their previous company.

  
"Aw that's cute!" You said.

  
"That boy named Wooyoung is really loud but I assure you that he is one of the friendliest." Yunho said.  
"How's the male trainees lately?" You asked.

  
"Lately, we are enjoying our trainings more than before when these two came. Wooyoung loves to help his hyungs well, he makes every dance trainings enjoyable. San is now gaining his confidence and improving. Seonghwa who auditioned as a rapper became a vocalist..."

  
"WOW?" You were surprised by Seonghwa's transformation "Okay, continue."

  
"Hongjoong guides Mingi in doing their raps, Yeosang is slowly becoming comfortable with us, Jongho-"  
You felt happy just by hearing his name but you don't want Yunho to notice that.

  
"has really improved with his dancing but hell yeah, no one can beat this boy's power vocals and Yunho? He's still cute..."

  
"Yeah yeah, everyone's boyfriend." you rolled your eyes which made him laugh, "I'm glad you guys are going well. Hope we all debut soon."

__________________________________

You woke up from your apartment's bed feeling heavy and very weak. Your mouth tastes bitter. You struggled to get your thermometer from your first aid kit and slip it into your armpit. After a minute, you checked on it and confirmed that you have a high fever. You want to admit yourself to the hospital but this time, you're just too weak and thinking about walking make you feel exhausted already. You stood up and drank a glass of water from the kitchen. After that, you curled under your blanket and rest again. You don't know how many hour had passed but you woke up again when your phone rang.

  
"H-hello?" You answered with a hoarse voice.

  
"Y/N Noona!" Your body still feel weak but hearing his voice energized you.

  
"Hmm?"

"Can I go there?"

  
"Huh? Why?"

  
"Yunho hyung told me you fainted yesterday so the trainers asked you to rest for a while."

  
"He told you that???" You want to shout but your too weak so you just sounded sleepy and weak.

  
"Well... we're just talking casually until I asked how were you. I haven't heard anything from you for the last few weeks and lately the company just let us use our phones during the weekends."

  
You can feel that he is really worried. You don't know if letting him go to your apartment again will be a good thing.

  
"Noona? You still there? Did you faint again??" He asked while panicking.

  
"Ah no. I was just thinking."

  
"C'mon!! You need company." He insisted.

  
"You might catch my fever. It's alright. Haven't I told you I can mana-..." you started coughing so it took you a while to continue what you were saying.

  
"See?" he said

  
"Jongho.."

  
"Noona.."

  
You sighed deeply, "It's okay~ I'm hanging up, okay?"

Once again you woke up when you heard your doorbell ringing.

  
You groaned weakly, "Geez... don't tell me he really came?? Why is this kid so stubborn???" Your phone vibrated, it was a KKT message from Yunho.

Yunho: Noona, open the door. I came with Jongho!! We have something for you.

You suddenly stood up from your bed when you read the KKT message. You don't know how to explain how you're feeling right now, you want to be angry but you could be lying if you say you hate it. The doorbell kept on ringing and you're sure it's Yunho who kept on pressing the button. You received a KKT message again and it's from Jongho this time.

  
Jongho: Noona, please don't get angry with me. I only asked Hyung to come with me. Don't worry, he doesn't know that I know your place, I just asked him if he also wants to visit you and he gladly agreed since he knows your apartment. Please open the door. Are you awake? I'm sorry, I'm just really worried to you right now.

  
You sighed once again. You loved his message, it was genuine and made you feel well somehow. You brushed your hair first before walking weakly to open the main door. Yunho welcomed you with his puppy smile while Jongho is shyly standing behind him.

  
"Hi Noona!!" Yunho greeted cheerfully. You noticed he is holding a grocery bag on both hands. "We came to surprise visit you" he proudly say and immediately went inside straight to the kitchen even you haven't invited him yet. Jongho greeted you shyly and handed you a small paper bag. You accepted it and saw that they're few meds for fever and vitamins, “Thanks” you said.

  
Yunho proudly said that he'll make a seaweed soup and a kimchi fried rice for the three of them. He said that these days he'd been cooking for the male trainees. You gulped but Jongho said not to worry because Yunho's cooking skills improved. While preparing, Yunho exclaimed that you don't have any stocks of food in your fridge which made Jongho to whispher, "So you haven't eaten anything yet??? And you even told me you can manage yourself?" He sounded offended and eyes glaring at you, but his worry for you cannot be hidden.

  
You shrugged him and went to your bed. You curled under your blanket and hugged a pillow. Jongho followed you inside.

  
"Why are you here too? Stay there and help Yunho instead" You mumbled.

  
He snorted, "Still pushing me away?"

  
"You are so stubborn. A stubborn baby." Then you closed your eyes and hugged your pillow.

  
"You are the one who is stubborn, Y/N" he said which made you open your eyes again. You get annoyed when he randomly drops the formalities but he makes sure no one hears it. But then, you got more startled when you saw him sitting on the floor beside your bed. His eyes are hooded and looking at you. You don't know how to read his expression. You tried to avoid his eyes so you burrowed your head to your pillow. You want to scold him but due to too much embarrassment you gave up.

  
"Can you just let me.. I mean us to take care of you today? Besides that's what... friends do, right?” He said, his voice is serious but with sincerity. "I know how it feels to be alone, but you are not alone anymore." You felt the side of the bed dipped as he lean forward to you. He carefully caressed your hair and hum softly.

  
"Shall I make you sleep again?" He mumbled.

“So what happened that night wasn't a dream” you thought.

You finally raised your head but this time you courage yourself to just look at him. He made an eye contact while still caressing your hair and humming a soft lullaby. He didn't just stayed looking at your eyes, he then slowly examined your face. You starts to get shy but you enjoyed how you are able to witness this soft side of him.

  
"This is how my mom calms me when I'm afraid or when I'm sick. I learned all of these from her." He said then he looked at your eyes again. "You see. I'm kinda awkward with new people and it takes time for me to fully adjust. I'm really thankful that we became close. To be honest, I feel shy today and no one, not even the hyungs know this side of me." He stopped caressing your hair and then fixed your blanket so that it is covering you well.

  
"I'm really sorry for being stubborn but... I really do care for you" he hesitated to continue. He then faced you again, this time he started caressing your forehead. It feels good and it helped to make you comfortable. "Please... stop being stubborn." He whispered.

  
You started to feel sleepy, eyes getting heavy and sight getting blurry. Jongho noticed that so he lightly closed your eyes with his palms. You felt him cupped your cheeks and kissed you on your forehead. It was warm and his lips feel soft and lump. It was not a peck and you're sure that it isn't really a dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it for this week! How was it so far?
> 
> Anyways, I'll update 2 chapters again this coming weekends!


	8. Chapter 8

You woke up from the aroma of the seaweed soup and kimchi fried rice. The three of you ate and you acknowledged that Yunho really did well. You took your medicine after eating. Jongho volunteered to wash the dishes, Yunho cleaned the table, and you took a warm shower. Yunho said he will go home to his province now and since he know Jongho isn't going home this weekends he suggested to stay with you. Of course, you tried to argue but you lost.

  
"Noona, we can't let you struggle alone. But let's all keep this as a secret, okay?" Yunho winked at you. You glared at him. Now another secret must be hidden, you feel like you committed a crime for the third time.  
"Not even Hongjoong Hyung.” Yunho emphasized the leader’s name, “and of course, most especially the company. We all know the rules, right?"

  
You raised one eyebrow and glared at him, "Excuse me?"

  
"Both of you should not try to hide it from me, it's okay. I don't judge you both. That’s normal." Both you and Jongho were startled by Yunho, firmly denying what he is emphasizing.

  
"Whatever.” He rolled his eyes, “Keep this as a secret. Jjongho~ take care of her." Then he went home.

  
Jongho again felt sorry and embarrassed. You saw him blush again after a long time.

  
"Can we just ignore what he said?" You groaned weakly and went to your room.

  
He just kept silent. You were about to prepare the mattress when he volunteered to rather be the one to prepare it. Again, you got that white hoodie you lend him before and asked him to wear it tonight. This time he went to the bathroom to change. He became more silent and soft tonight.

  
He lean close to you again, caressed your hair and fixed your blanket. You gave up on protesting this time, he is sure stubborn… and caring. You just let him take care of you as you closed your eyes but you are still awake. "Aren't you going to sleep?" You asked, eyes still closed.

  
"I can't" he said, "I want to watch you the whole night."

  
"That will be too tiring and boring for you."

  
"It's not tiring watching you." he said which made the butterflies in your stomach go wild.

  
"Jongho... why?"

  
"May we drop all the formalities? May I just call you by your name... when it's just the two of us?" Jongho clearly ignored your question.

  
"Answer my question first, stubborn baby."

  
"Am I not obvious?"

  
"Why do you kept on throwing questions instead of answers. Geez."

  
"I like you."

  
"..."

  
"Now, it's your turn to answer my question." He stopped caressing your hair.

  
"I don't want."

  
He sighed but didn't complained, "Okay then" he started caressing your forehead "Sleep tight, Noona."

__________________________________

The next morning, you checked again if he's still sleeping. When you saw that he's still sleeping like a baby, you took another photo of him pouting while sleeping. Just a few seconds, he woke up when he heard you moving from your bed.

  
"Oh!! You're awake!" he stood up immediately. His coconut hair is messy and it looks like a bird's nest is resting above his head. He looks tired, perhaps he really stayed up all night watching you. "I'll prepare our breakfast. Yunho Hyung and I bought some groceries. Noona, please Don't. Move. From. There.”

  
You chuckled softly on how he is panicking and being stubborn first thing in the morning. Oh how you wish you could also be this close, comfortable and free outside with him. You started to smell the aroma of your fave coffee beans which made you crave for it. While waiting for Jongho, you washed your face then brushed your hair in front of your hairdresser. You took out your thermometer and took your temperature, which after a minute showed that your temperature already fell but still high to be considered as a fever. Jongho went back inside to ask if you would like some wheat bread and when he saw you holding your thermometer, he suggested that you must go today to the doctor and of course, he would like to accompany you. Before you could protest, he already told you that he won't go back to the dorm unless you agree, which left you with no choice but to agree.

  
Jongho brought your breakfast in your room. He holds a tray, he prepared a vegetable porridge, sliced apples, 2 slices of wheat bread, your meds and a glass of water. You asked why he's the only one with brewed coffee because you were craving for it since you started smelling its aroma. He said that your sick, and you shall not take any caffeine until you get well. You were disappointed. You can't believe that after craving, you won't get one. You frowned and pouted. He still insisted that you should have a glass of water instead and your body needs to be hydrated.

  
"Get well first, stubborn Noona" he mocked then continued eating his breakfast.

  
You started to eat too. Your body felt heavier, weaker and more painful. Some of your muscles started to ache that even holding the spoon gives you pain. Being aware of how Jongho could be annoyingly caring to you once he knew that you are in pain, you did your best to hide it.

  
"I hate you." you whispered which you thought he didn't heard.

  
"But I like you though." he said as if it's nothing which left you blushing but you just kept silent and continued eating.

__________________________________

The visit from the Doctor went well, he advised that you at least take a rest for a week. Your body's resistance became weak since you were always tired from training. You also admitted that your muscles started to ache this morning. He also advised that you drink more water and gave you a prescription for the fever, cough and some pain killers.

  
Jongho still insisted to accompany you to your apartment. He was a bit upset that you didn’t told him that you were in pain.

  
"C'mon, yesterday is enough. You need to go back, today's your first day at the dorm."

  
"What if you faint again?"

  
"Don't worry, I have my meds now and I'll follow the Doctor's advises."

  
"Please... just let me to stay... I'll leave before 3pm. Besides, Hongjoong Hyung know that I'll be there at around 6pm."

  
He did stayed until 3pm. He make sure to prepare a dinner before leaving. This time, he didn't say nor did something cringy or would make your heart beat race. You told him to message you once he's in the bus and when he safely arrived at the dorm which he obediently complied.

  
Jongho: Noona, get well soon.

  
He messaged you which another message followed.

  
Jongho: And see you again in the building. Goodnight.

  
You smiled. You touched your chest and always gets surprised on how this cute boy make your heart beat go wild by his cringy antics. You are sure how you feel about him right now but you still don't like to accept it. There are a lot of reasons that kept you from totally giving in. You truly adore him and the happiness in every moment you have with him will forever be cherished and kept inside your heart... and that makes you scared.

Y/N: "Thank you so much for taking care of me. I'll always be grateful for it. Goodnight, Choi Jongho."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter kinda long...


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Irdk if someone is reading this for I saw the hits yet there is no feedback yet... but it's alright! I hope if you are still reading this at this point, that you are enjoying it, or perhaps the plot caught your attention and would love to read how it will end.
> 
> Lastly, Thank you!

It was September of the same year, the cold breeze of Autumn brushes on your skin and dried leaves are covering the streets. You are out with Hongjoong and Yunho for the very first time. Actually, it wasn't really the first time but you can't remember anymore the last time you ate with them outside since Hongjoong loves his mac book so much and stays in the recording studio most of the time. To be honest, you are missing Hongjoong a lot too. Your friendship with him might not be like how your friendship with Yunho and Jongho is. It is a mixture of a sunbae-hoobae relationship but since you have the same age with him, you are less formal when outside trainings. He was the one who made you first comfortable in the company, you owe a lot of things from him too since he always guide you when you were still a newbie. He’s like an elder brother to you though he is awkward to express himself.

  
He treated you and Yunho to your favorite chicken brand. When your orders came in your table, he was still focus on his mac book.

  
"Ah Hyung, this is the time that we are able to be together again, can't you just let go your mac book until we finish eating?" Yunho groaned cutely.

  
Hongjoong smiled out of embarrassment then he closed his mac book and put it inside his back pack.  
"Hongjoong-ah, can't you be not a workaholic just for a second?" You asked as you take your bite.  
"Well you guys know me well, right? I can't help it. I've been doing this since like forever. Besides, I need to really work hard, this is for our future group. All I want is the best for us."

  
"Okay, okay. Can we just eat and I might just lose my appetite if Hyung continue to be this cringy." Yunho said before having a big bite on he drumstick he is holding.

  
When all of you finished your meal, you had small talks about each other's progress. Hongjoong asked what happened to you last time when you fainted. You laughed at how he was too late to know it since it was like two months ago but knowing Hongjoong who's very workaholic, what's new? You also told them the plan of KQ to debut either a girl group or you being a soloist which amazed them. The talk went deeper when Hongjoong talked about each male trainees, and when it's finally Jongho's turn, you felt like he's trying to tell something.

  
"Y'all see, Jongho's the maknae, right? I want to protect him. Well, uhm, every male trainees of course, because we're a family." Hongjoong said.

  
"Ahhh Jongho, my precious dongsaeng~ The kid is so dear to me since we first met" Yunho said with delighted eyes. Among the male trainees, it is well known that Yunho and Jongho really go well together. "He kinda look like my younger cousin though." he chuckled.

  
Hongjoong chuckled and clapped when he heard Yunho. You know that Hongjoong always talk calm but kind of short-tempered. He never gets extremely angry but he can be serious at times. Whenever he's serious, he's not straight forward in front of the two of you but he'll make sure you'll both feel his sincerity.  
"Uhmm.. do you want to say something? We both know you though." you said as you get nervous inside.  
Hongjoong's smile slowly disappeared but he's not angry. It took him a few minutes before he continued again. He sighed and started talking calmly.

  
"You see, I've been in the company for the longest among the three of us. I've witnessed a lot and somehow it is now easy for me to read how a trainee acts or feels." He looked at you straight to your eyes, his face is painted with hesitation. "Jongho is an excellent trainee. Yet he is still shy to get along with the other Hyungs. Among all the trainees, it's the two of you who he is closest with. Well, I'm glad he has friends but..." Hongjoong hesitated to continue, thinking how he should say the next words. He tilted his head, frowned slightly and let out a deep sigh.

  
"Uhm... Yunho, I know you know it." Hongjoong first attacked Yunho by his careful words which made Yunho widened his eyes and sip on his drink to avoid eye contacts with him.  
"Guys, we're technically like living in one roof. We've known each other for years. Especially, we all know the rules and what happened... to those who broke it." Hongjoong raised his eyebrows while looking at you. He is waiting for an answer.

  
"Well you said it yourself, we're technically like living in one roof but you can't even tell if we're really doing it." You rolled your eyes out of annoyance. You can’t believe how Hongjoong is accusing you.

  
"Y/N, I just want the best for us. I don't want anyone from the two of you to get into trouble." Hongjoong explained calmly.

  
"Guys, I think I should go to a dessert stall and-..." Yunho stood up carefully but being stopped when both you and Hongjoong said no.

  
"It's not me who you should warn, Joongie. I have warned him though. Well then, talk to the boy, I believe his mature enough to understand these things. I assure you, he will also choose the best for everyone." You said but a lump was forming in your throat. Luckily, no one noticed it.

  
After that lunch with Hongjoong and Yunho, you became silent. You stopped practicing with Jongho and kept yourself busy with more trainings. Jongho never bothered asking too, as if he already know why.  
Hongjoong's words kept on bothering you for weeks. You didn't hate him but you're glad he was always there to guide and protect you. You don't know if he already talked to Jongho but the boy stopped from messaging you as well. Weeks passed just like that and October came.

__________________________________

KQ updated you that the company is still short in funds which gave you more anxieties. You had nightmares frequently and wake up from it in the midnight wishing Jongho is there. You wished that he is there cuddling you, caressing your hair, and humming you a lullaby until you fall asleep.

__________________________________

News about your friends' group on their first win is well-known in the company and everyone, including you are celebrating about it but the news made you anxious too. You feel more pressured on when will you ever debut and these days the trainers noticed that you're unfocused, this time they didn't scold you. Little did you know, Hongjoong noticed that you are getting unfocused. He buys you your fave Iced Americano from your fave cafe from time to time.

  
Time also came when you get to know more about the other male trainees. Wooyoung was indeed so friendly, Mingi's kinda clumsy, Seonghwa is a cute softie, Yeosang likes giving savage comments and San is the cutest! While Jongho, he don't act awkward but he's just silent. He speak sometimes and give some dad jokes but after that he never interacted with you directly. You don't know if he's avoiding you since he stopped messaging you or just like what Hongjoong said, he's really not that close with the others. You remembered what Jongho once told you,

"it takes time for me to fully adjust..."

__________________________________

Jongho's birthday is upcoming and you badly want to celebrate it with him. You badly miss your dear friend and want to see him. You thought that the weeks which you tried your best not to have any interactions with him is already enough, and to be with him at least on his birthday should be allowed. Hongjoong never said that you are not allowed, it was actually your decision but since Jongho is under his care in that debuting male group, you still want to have his permission.

Y/N: Joongie... you see... I did my best... and Jongho's birthday is around the corner. Maybe celebrating his birthday with him won't harm anyone, right?

Heart beating fast, you clicked the send button. You waited for a few minutes until Hongjoong has seen your KKT message. "That's fast, huh" you whispered, surprised for Hongjoong usually replies after an hour. You waited again for a few minutes until he finally sent a reply.

Hongjoong: Hmm.. okay. Just please don't do anything that will get you both into trouble. I don't want the two of you getting caught.

Y/N: We ain't dating... ugh  
You replied.

Hongjoong: So how do you call that? Unofficially dating??  
Y/N: Stop it. Since you agreed. That's it. Goodnight.  
You ended your convo with him.

__________________________________

Y/N: Hey, Jongho~ how were you? First of all, I'm really sorry for not being able to talk to you for the last few weeks. I think you already know why. Do you hate me? But sincerely, I'm really sorry. Your birthday is also around the corner... do you want to celebrate it outside? Well... if you're not okay, it's alright with me though.

  
You took a deep breathe and send it. He's online and you're sure he'll definitely see it.

  
And you were right! It didn't take too long for him to reply.

Jongho: Noona!!!!!!!! I missed you so much ㅠㅠ. Let's go to a Noraebang this weekends! My treat!!  
Jongho's fast and cute message indeed fluttered your heart.

Y/N: No. My treat! You already treated us last time  
Jongho: Okay~  
He replied with a rainbow heart at the end of his reply and another reply followed.  
Jongho: oh, if I hated you? Nahh... I still like you though.  
You were caught off guard by his reply again.

Y/N: Ugh... what do I do with you, huh?  
You replied.

__________________________________

You met again in a weekend. He was already waiting for you in one of the Noraebang's room. You both decided not to go together just to be safe, you'll never know if someone you both knew is also there. It feels unfair for you why you both have to be in secret. You kept denying the fact too. You celebrated by giving him a whipped cream cake topped with strawberries. It didn't end there, you handed him a box with a ribbon. He opened your gift and he was so surprised. Inside the box, there was a bag of your fave coffee beans, a pack of vitamin drinks, and a pair of branded earrings.

  
He loved your gifts! He kept on saying thank you and was about to hug you but he stopped. To get rid of that awkward moment, you asked him to start singing. He sang his fave songs. You had fun changing the beat and tempo with the remote in which he sang along. You also sang your faves and he also sang with you. Time passed and he decided to sing one last song,

  
"let me sing this one song for you." his voice was bashful but very sincere.

  
He started to sing a sweet serenading song. He sang with all his heart and he even stare at you while singing some parts. You know he's not just singing but he's confessing. He sang the song as if he was keeping them all in his heart for a very long time and it was only this time that they were able to get out from him. Despite all those childish banters and random "I like you" confessions you had from him, the song hits you hard. Through the song, Jongho's real heart was unfolded right before your eyes. When the song ended, he put down the mic on the table carefully and said, "Hongjoong Hyung told me about it already.” He smiled and showed you an assuring expression, as if he’s saying that your sudden avoidance of him is alright with him, that he understands it.

  
You held one of his hands and squeezed it tight enough to make him feel that you appreciate his confession so much. Your eyes were getting blurry by the tears that are forming in the corners of your eyes. They eventually streamed down your cheeks. He became worried so he asked if you're okay but getting too emotional you started crying in front of him. It was very embarrassing but you can't help but cry. You want to cry all your frustrations, all your sadness, even your happiness.

  
"Y/N Noona, why?" Jongho hugged you in his arms tightly and rubbed your back.

  
Unconsciously, your arms flew around him and hugged him tightly too. You hugged him so tight as if you don't want to release him. He was startled by your hug, it was the first time you reciprocated his actions.  
"It's alright, keep crying but once you're done, tell me the reason why." His voice full of worries. You burrowed your head in his shoulders and he doesn’t mind your tears making that part of his shirt wet.  
When you're slowly calming down, he released you from his arms. He got his handkerchief, wiped your tears... and wipe even your nose. You laughed by his actions and he gave you a look as if he's saying What? I'm just doing what I should be doing.

  
He rest his back on the back of the chair and pulled you in to his side. You leaned on his side and he wrapped one of his arms around your shoulder. You want to hug him in that situation but you're getting bashful. Of course, Jongho pulled your hand so he may wrap your arm on him. He knew that you would resist so he rest his hand on top of that hand and squeezed it a little.

  
"Just do it" he said cutely, "I can feel your heart beat. We can be honest today."

  
You blushed but you can't deny anymore that beside him is your favorite place. His presence is like your safe haven, you are secured and peaceful around him.

  
"I missed you so bad." you finally chose to be honest.

  
"Me too." he answered while his hand from his arm that's wrapped around you is caressing your hair

  
"I was worried about you." you continued.

  
"Me too." he answered shortly again.

  
"I enjoyed our time together today”

  
"Me too."

  
"And every moment we had."

  
"Me too. Always." he answered with sweetness.

  
You straight up because you felt like he's mocking you and raised one eyebrow at him. He chuckled, "Hey, I'm serious. I was always serious." he said.

  
You glared at him and said, "Aren't you going to say nothing but me too? I'm really getting embarrassed here for being honest, you know."

  
"You really look so cute when you're like that."

  
"Shut up." Heat forming in your cheeks again.

  
"Well everytime."

  
"Ok, I take back what I said. Just be quiet."

  
"Please... let me just call you by your name when it's just the two of us."

  
You raised one eyebrow again, can't believe he's asking that question again.

  
"No"

  
"But I like you."

  
"No"

"Don't you like me too?"

  
You stopped for a second when he asked that unexpected question and replied, "N-no"

  
"Stop lying" he teased.

  
"I said, No"

  
"So you love me?"

  
"Stop it, Jongho"

  
"Just say yes or no"

  
"I hate you"

  
Then he leaned closer and kissed you on your lips. You felt his soft, lump and moist lips touching yours.

Again, it wasn't a peck. It lasted for a minute. You were really shocked, heart beat racing, you felt dizzy and closed your eyes. Surprisingly you didn't turned away from it. He slightly moved his lips to yours to further kiss you and you reciprocated it with a soft kiss. Unconsciously, you were already holding his cheeks. You felt him smiled and he leaned slowly to push you, making you rest your back on the back of the chair. He gave you few more soft kisses until you slightly pushed him away.  
"I love you" he whisphered.

  
"I'm scared" you replied without looking at him.

  
"I'm happy with you... doesn't it make you happy too?"

  
You don't know what or how to answer him. You know in yourself that you have loved him as your friendship grew. You just don't accept it because you are scared.

“…What will genuinely make you happy." You remembered your motto again.

"You are now a part of my dream" Jongho continued "I might just be a teen or just a trainee in your eyes, but to me you're not. Actually it somehow makes me feel that you're unreachable whenever I use the formalities when in fact... we're so close." He confessed. Jongho also started to get emotional but he made sure not to cry. "Listen, I'm being honest yet careful around you too. I'm fully aware of the rules. But... fuck 'em." it was the first time you heard him swear. "I really do care for you and if it means to gave up this dream just to have my other dream... I would."

  
"NO!" You are firm with your answer. He got startled. You noticed his eyes getting glossy but no tears are coming out of it. "Jongho please, promise me. Don't ever gave up on this dream. You have come a long way for this. Please. I just want to protect you, to protect us... everyone. This is not the right time. As long as I want to, but I have to resist."

  
"I'll take that as an 'I love you too'. " he teased though he's teary.

  
"Oh please, Jongho. Would you stop jumping into conclusions?"

  
He leaned again "Can you just be honest with me again... It won't hurt being honest." he continued to lean slowly which made you more nervous. He smirked while staring at your lips.

  
"Okay! Okay! I love you too! Choi Jongho, I really love you so much! You, okay with that?!" You whispered loud enough, annoyed by the fact that he's really near your face again. Your eyes get teary as you stare at him in his eyes.

  
He smiled and gave you a soft peck.

  
"I love you too." He whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to update 3 chapters (chapter 10 will also be updated) this weekend because classes are suspended... fck corona virus.
> 
> Hope you are safe and healthy!  
> Wear a mask when going out,  
> Always wash your hands and use a 70% ethyl alcohol too!  
> As much as possible, prevent touching your face or eyes.  
> Avoid crowded places to prevent possible transmission of the virus.  
> Lastly, DO NOT BE XYNOPHOBIC!!!!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will be cringy... and I know some chapters had been cringy...  
> Fluff is such a challenge for me.  
> Jongho why so cringy??
> 
> Also, I edited the format of every chapters starting from chapter 1, for I just recently noticed that my format from the MS WORD wasn't copied here... Idk why tho... But I already FIXED it now!

Jongho randomly gives you sweet yet simple KKT messages whenever his phone is with him since after his birthday celebration with you. He had nicknamed you as "Stubborn Noona" while you nicknamed him as "Stubborn Boy". He protested why you used "boy" instead of "baby" which you usually call him.

  
You chuckled as you were in a phone call with him while you're at your bed one night, "You said you don't like being called as a Baby? Don't you like it? At least your nickname grew up."

  
He whined like a kid, "Change it to 'Baby Official', that's better"

  
"You gotta be kidding me!" You laughed "Please, stop being this cringy" tears are forming at the side of your eyes for laughing too much.

  
"I'm serrrrrious" he whined.

  
"I'm blocking you, Choi Jongho" you threatened him.

  
"NO WAY!!!" Still whining, "I'm just joking!! C'mon, what about 'Jjongho', that's cute... like me. HA! HA! HA!" he laughed awkwardly. Probably, he is also cringing from all his antics.

  
"Stop it, let's not use obvious nicknames" you feel cringy but he is too cute at this hour, "Okay, I'll just used an emoji". You chose a bear emoji as his nickname.

  
"Eh? Why a bear?" He asked.

  
"You remind me of bears" you chuckled.

  
"Eh?? That's all?"

  
"Uh-huh"

  
"You know what? Sometimes you're weird" he said blatantly which made you chuckle.

  
Weeks had passed and to be very honest, your relationship with him became more stable yet careful these days. You have agreed to secretly date him but in one condition, both of you have no choice but to keep it as a major secret for the rest of your life, or until the time is right. You honestly don’t know how or when but your feelings with each other cannot be stopped anymore. You still feel scared and guilty but at least you are now true to your feelings - to Jongho. All you want now is to reach your dream with him and protect him at all cost, and he has the same goal as you. You no longer practice with him in the company but you guys does this short glances whenever you see each other. You also never ate together outside again. You noticed that he's always wearing the earrings you gave to him. Sometimes Hongjoong see the two of you glancing at each other but since you two are behaving well, he never interrupt. Yunho also noticed it and he's to nosy to ask but you just told him to mind his own business.

__________________________________

  
The manager discussed with you again, telling that the CEO is making some changes. He rather wants to debut a boy group first, than the girl group that they promised to you. He also never mentioned about you being a Soloist so you don't dared to ask as well, you already expect that one to be postponed too. The manager also told you that he's more likely to be the manager for the new boy group since the female trainees' progress is quite slow than expected. He also told you that the female dance trainer suddenly quitted yesterday which made it really difficult for the company. In that case, the male trainees looks more possible to debut either next year or after 2 years.

  
After that serious conversation with the manager, you accidentally bumped to Jongho when you went out of the conference room. He was on his way to the male's locker room, he was drenched in his sweats which made his shirt stick to his body that slightly revealed how's his body now. Your down expression suddenly glowed up. He smiled at you but he isn't oblivious of how you looked down after your talk with the manager yet he didn't asked, then he went to the locker room.

Y/N: _Hey_ …You KKT messaged him out of the blue. It isn't usual for you to send a message first so he felt that something was really wrong with you.

He just sent you a rainbow heart with a question mark at the end.

Y/N: _I think I'm going to stay late tonight at the company. Need to strive more..._

  
Jongho: _Was it something because of what you and the manager talked to inside the conference room?_

  
Y/N: _Well... yeah._

  
Jongho: _Okayyy, Take care. I love you._

  
Y/N: _You too. Take care of yourself, you're getting fit nowadays huh. I love you too._

__________________________________

  
You feel more scared than ever. You feel like you've seen the light from the end of the dark tunnel so you kept on running towards it. You never gave up because the end is within your reach. You ran and ran until a small stone that you didn't see made you to stumble.  
Then you woke up from that nightmare.

You checked the time on your phone, it's 2am. You checked your KKT and saw that Jongho's still online.

Y/N: _Hey bear, why still up?_

  
Jongho: _Heyyyy there. Well we extended our practices these days. The company told us that our load will increase next year and we have to start being used to it. You? Why are you still awake?_

When you read it, you felt like someone pinch your heart. You know the CEO is now really prioritizing them, well you're genuinely happy because finally their dream debut is on its way but you cannot deny the fact that you're also disappointed. You are disappointed at yourself of why are your trainee days gets longer and longer, why the company always give you false hope and why do you feel like you're already giving up.

Y/N: _I woke up from a nightmare… once I woke up, I can’t help but think of you._

  
Jongho: _how I wish I was there…_

  
Y/N: _it’s alright, Jjong. Having this simple convo could calm me right now. Anyways, make sure to eat a lot of healthy food nowadays~ More work means more effort. Please, don't get sick nor hurt... I. MEAN. IT._

Jongho: _Sure, sure. Since Noona's with me, how would I get hurt? You said you'll protect me~_  
He replied. He even used a lot of emojis to act cute.

  
You chuckled. You just know right now that you love him and meeting him in your life really made your boring life colorful. You wanted to tell him more about how you feel but even the two of you are dating, you still can't fully be honest with him. It's not that you don't trust him but there is this one truth that is forming inside you that you too can't agree with, something you're not ready to admit even to him, but someday you will. You badly hope that he will accept it.

Y/N: _I'll sleep now. You better go back to practicing. See you, I love you._  
You replied.

Instead of a message, you received a recorded message. He was somehow whispering when he recorded it.

  
Jongho: _I love you mooooore. Don't get nightmares tonight~_  
Which was followed by another message  
Jongho: _Don't worry, no one's around when I recorded that. Goodnight, Noona._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah! We have now reached the first half of this work!  
> Uhm... how was it so far??
> 
> Behold, long and angsty chapters will now come.  
> The angst part is the core of this work,  
> I hope you still want to read this until the end.
> 
> Also, what are your thoughts about Y/N?


	11. Chapter 11

_10:30am Idol A and Actress B who were speculated to be secretly dating had now confirmed through a mini press conference that they are indeed officially dating since March._

_12:30pm Most of Idol A’s official fandom started to boycott his upcoming concert upon hearing the confirmation about dating Actress B._

  
_2:00pm Idol C denied dating issue with Idol D after seen both wearing speculated couple necklaces._

  
_2:45pm Actress B’s SNS accounts were spontaneously flooded by hate comments from Idol A’s fans._

  
_3:15pm Idol D’s company haven’t released any official statement regarding dating issue._

  
It is Saturday, you lazily spent your day lying on your bed with your laptop on your lap. You scrolled throughout Naver to see the latest news for today yet the latest news about the entertainment industry just added more weight to your problem right now.

  
It is always saddening for you how this industry was founded like this. You are glad that this genre is now getting more recognition locally and internationally throughout the years but what saddens you the most is how trainees like you will soon be like trained workers bounded in chains just to fulfill that one dream that you all have. Actually, an idol/artist’s future is bright but very suffocating and since your country is now more open about this kind of genre, unlike before, more and more trainees like you are being recruited and trained for years. Some have their debuts early, some takes time, some fails and some chose to gave up this dream along the way. Some of you never dreamed of being an idol yet in order to fulfill their dreams of becoming either a singer, a rapper or a performer, they chose this path. Since this is now in demand, most of the companies, whether big, famous or not, focuses on making them.

  
As you saw from your sunbaes, this path is really bright. New things can be experienced, various activities given to the artist will also take them to many places and your skills will further improve as your journey continues. It is indeed bright especially when done cleanly, and by saying that, it is pressuring because you need to keep your background clean. One small mistake can cause a big damage not just in your career but in your personal life. You hate it so much how the toxicity in people’s mind have swallowed their lives, how they loved to dictate so much and how idols these days are suffering.

  
It has been a long lazy Saturday for you, and a lot of serious thoughts kept running in your mind. You haven’t checked Jongho today nor messaged him how’s your day. You badly want to talk to him about these things because both of you love to have deep conversations. You are wondering how he is spending his day but you vowed this week to yourself not to bother him this weekend. You told him ahead of time that you would like to have a “Me” time this weekend by just spending it alone at your apartment, it’s not that you are avoiding him but you also want him to get closer with his hyungs not just as co-trainees but as brothers. At first, he was protesting for he wants to spend it with you since it has been months since he went at your apartment and when you last went out together which was during his birthday. In the end, he has no choice but to agree.

  
You had a video call with your parents, they said that they are missing you so much and they feel so bad for not being there at your side all the time. You saw your mom had some wrinkles at the corners of her eyes but still managed to be beautiful just like how she looks the last time you saw her in person. Your dad is complaining that his eyes are now getting blurry and he will soon go to an ophthalmologist to have an eye check-up, he said that he can’t afford to have an impaired sight when the time that your debut comes. He emphasized that he has to be there to see it with his own eyes.

  
You bit your lower lip while controlling yourself not to cry in front of them. You badly want to say to them that you feel like you’re not debuting anymore, and if you, if it’s not going to be next year then you can’t wait any longer.

  
Your mom was just silent beside your dad. Your dad is just so happy to see and have a video call with you after a long time. It was a pleasant time to have a talk with them, and when it has been already 4 hours, you finally said goodbye to them and promised to have a video call once you became free again.

  
You turned off your laptop and closed it. Tears started to stream down your cheeks and not long after, you cannot help but cry out. You cried so much. You kept crying until your eyes and head ached. It was difficult to breathe but you know you needed this, you need to release everything. It felt like you have never cried like this before. You curled in your bed and hugged your pillow tightly.

  
“Should I just give up?” you thought. You cannot deny anymore that it is really getting frustrating and tiring now for you. It is exhausting that the company always keep your high hopes but there are always no assurance. You are also thinking of going to another company but this company had been very close to your heart, and you are anxious if you will be comfortable to new people all over again.

  
You tried to weigh the pros and cons of continuing on pursuing this path while crying. You thought of how uncertain is your debut, how this long wait still has no assurance and how it’s eating up your years when you could have been already successful when you chose another path as the cons. On the other hand, you weighed what you think are the pros. You were a slow learner but all these trainings indeed improved you a lot throughout the years, you also learned to take care of yourself and value your physical appearance, you learned a lot about music and dancing compared to the superficial knowledge you had 5 years ago, you have gained an extended family which accompanied you in Seoul when your parents are living abroad, and lastly this path made it possible for you to meet Jongho, your happy pill and source of strength these days.

  
You could be lying if you say that nothing good resulted from your training years. To be honest, you could have left the company a long time ago if Hongjoong, Yunho and especially, Jongho weren’t there to support and accompany you. Your favorite memories are your moments with Jongho and you don’t know if you can still continue anymore if he’d be gone by your side. Indeed, you are so in love right now with him.

  
You decided to write on a mini notebook these cons and pros that you have collected, and will add more if you suddenly remember any cons and pros in the future. This will help you decide along the way but as long as nothing is finalize, you promised to yourself to keep on persevering.

  
__________________________________

  
The next week, you had your chance to have a casual conversation with Wooyoung during your break time. He was also at the café. “Hey, Wooyoung” you greeted him.

  
“Oh, Noona!!” he greeted you lively.

  
“I just want to ask something, do you have time?”

"Ah yeah, sure sure.”

  
You take a seat at the table near a window, it was a table for two. You asked Wooyoung first, how he felt when he first moved in to your company.

  
He answered, “Of course it took me some time to adjust but it was easier to be comfortable here since Yeosang is here with me. Getting along with the other hyungs isn’t also difficult.” He paused for a moment so that he may take a bite of his chocolate cheesecake. You waited for him to continue, “well it took me some time to become close with Jongho though.”

  
“Eh? Jongho?” you asked him, acting as if you don’t know the answer why.

  
“Well that boy was always quiet and he really looks intimidating when I first met him. He only talks with Yunho hyung before.” Wooyoung shifted from his seat, as he gets more into your conversation with him. “He looks like someone I cannot bully.” he chuckled.

  
“So you like making fun of your brothers??” you asked which made Wooyoung smile and laugh. His eyes squinted as he laugh and whenever he smiles, he looks like he is the happiest in this world.

  
“Well, um.. yeah. Especially Seonghwa hyung!! He is the eldest among us but he’s like a baby. Jongho is more likely to be the hyung when in fact he is the maknae!!” Wooyoung’s voice gets a little louder which made few customers to look at your table. You noticed that and gestured to him to lower his voice a little. He apologized and blushed while you chuckled.

  
“Uhm… so how was Jongho now compared to when you first met him?”

  
“He is very funny but a stubborn maknae.”

  
“Ahh, I agree!! He is really stubborn.”

  
“There was a time I told him to wash the dishes but he started lifting his dumbbells, saying he’ll exercise first. That boy…” you saw him snorted then he continued, “Noona, how were you able to stand him?”

  
“Well, Jongho wasn’t difficult to be friends with when I first met him. He was just too shy but a very helpful boy.”

  
“To be honest, I would think that you two are dating if I don’t know you guys” Wooyoung said frankly which made you choke on your pie. You grabbed your Iced Americano and sip on it as if your life depends on it while lightly hitting your chest with your closed fist. Wooyoung looked at you worriedly. “You aren’t, right?”  
“Wooyoung-ah, what made you think of that? Of course, we aren’t.” you asked still gasping for air.

  
He smiled out of relief, “I just thought of it since Jongho’s different with you. Well though it’s seldom you guys are together but he is just different. We, boys tend to change or show our different side to the person we like.”

  
“Uhh how did we end up with this topic anyways?” you asked, one eyebrow raised.

  
Wooyoung chuckled upon realizing how this conversation end up like this.

  
“By the way, there’s another question I would like to ask.” Your voice become softer and quite anxious, “What made you move here? Besides that Yeosang also moved here.”

  
Wooyoung’s eyes glistened upon hearing the question, as if it’s an honor for him to answer such a question. He straighten up on his seat and lean a little closer. You noticed that he is the type of person who is very expressive and don’t get awkward with getting close with other people… unlike Jongho.

  
“Yeosang and I had been friends for a long time, 5 years actually. We had the same training years from our previous company. You see, that company is now getting more recognition and it was such a great opportunity to debut under it.” Wooyoung stopped and smiled as he look outside the window, “Debuting without your closest friend is very saddening for me. I followed Yeosang here not because I hated our previous company nor I am getting wary of our training years. I just want to debut and reach my dream with my best friend, regardless of what the result might be.” Still smiling he turned to look at you and you gave him a smile.

  
__________________________________

Jongho: _Where are you?_

  
Y/N: _I’m on my way to the bus stop._

  
Jongho: _Alone?_

  
Y/N: _of course???_

  
Jongho: _Wait for me there, I want to accompany you to your apartment._

  
Y/N: _Eh? Jongho, it’s weekdays. We talked about this before right? Stop asking for that._

Jongho: _I ain’t asking though. I’m near, don’t ride that bus yet._

  
You saw him from a far, he’s on his sweatpants, black plain shirt and one of his back pack’s strap slung over his shoulder. He smiled at you as he brush his fringe up, wiping the sweats dripping on his forehead and waited with you for the next bus. He was quiet than usual, he used to tease you or ask how’s your day whenever you’re in the bus stop since it is the place where somehow both of you can speak freely and it’s quite far from the company. When the next bus arrived, both of you ride on it. Both of you headed on the usual seat you usually choose, the farthest two-seater. You take the seat beside the window which is your usual seat too. Nothing changed except that he’s just quiet.

  
“You, okay?” you asked cautiously.

  
He flinched a little bit from his seat and you noticed that he furrowed his eyebrows for a split second. He looked at you at the corners of his eyes, “I think…” he answered shortly.

  
You don’t know what that means, and you became very anxious if you shall ask or just let him be. He noticed that his answers made you anxious, so he looked at you. He tipped your chin up a bit, then he leaned for a peck, “S-sorry. I’ll be fine.” He then wrapped his arm on your shoulders and pull you at his side. You lean your heard on his shoulders and wrap your arm on the lower part of his torso.

  
When you arrived at your apartment, he didn’t insist to stay like how he usually do. He asked to help you carry your bag to your room. When he saw that you have safely arrived, not long after that he bid a goodbye.

  
“Hey,” you called out to him when he was about to go out of your main door.

  
He turned his head and looked at you at the corners of his eyes. “Hmm?”

  
It wasn’t so you to do the first move but Jongho being quiet and not being the usual stubborn boyfriend he is, makes you so anxious and all you want now is to hear him tease you or at least laugh. You walked closer to him and gave him a back hug for the first time. He flinched and held your arms that is wrapped around his waist. After a few minutes of staying at that state, you released him and turned him. Now that he is facing you, he maintained a poker face but he cannot hide that he is shocked with what you’re doing now. You leaned closer, tip toed and intertwined your fingers with his fingers. You kissed him softly.

  
He closed his eyes and returned it with a soft kiss too. You reached for his lower lip as he kisses your upper lip. Both of you can feel each other's breath. Your kiss is somehow taking too long but it isn’t rough; both of you never got to that stage. He released his fingers from being entwined with yours and moved his hands on your cheeks so he may cup them. He continued kissing you as if he was waiting all day to do this. Your arms unconsciously hugged his waist after your fingers had been freed. You released from your kiss.

“Okay, that’s enough. I can feel you’re being stubborn again.” You said as you lightly pinch the side of his waist which made him flinched and closed one of his eyes.

  
“A-ah!” it tickled him. He was still quiet. He smiled without showing his teefies then kissed the top of your nose and lastly, your forehead. “Thanks” he whispered.

__________________________________

The next day, Jongho found you alone in the female locker room. He is standing by the entrance and called your attention. “Noona,” he whispered. “have lunch with me later at the cafe," then he left. He didn’t even bother to wait for your response.

  
You went to the convenience store nearby to buy an energy drink, when you’re on your way back inside the company, you saw a delivery man waiting outside. He is holding two plastic bags with boxes inside which you know are flavored fried chicken and probably ordered by the boys. You greeted him and offered to be the one receiving them instead. You paid for it and he told you that the one who ordered it was Jung Wooyoung.

  
Holding the two plastic bags, you went to the practice room where they were practicing. It seems like they had a short break because most of the boys are busy playing. As you struggle to open the door, you heard a voice that is high pitched and loud, “NOOONAAA!” Wooyoung left the other boys on whatever they were playing and ran to help you with the bags, “Didn’t know the chicken came already!”. The rest of the boys got so excited and cheered when they saw the bags, except for Jongho.

  
Jongho was sitting at the corner playing a guitar with his earpods on. A laptop was in front of him and he was busy plucking some strings. It took him some time to notice that the boys are having a commotion over the chicken. He glanced and noticed you were there. He just watched you talking to them but he felt uncomfortable when you started talking to Wooyoung.

  
“That costs 5$, I paid for it since no one from you guys were outside to receive it and I felt bad for the delivery man,” you explained as you put out your hand, palm up. Gesturing him to pay you.

  
“Ey, noona. Can I just not pay it?” Wooyoung teased, “don’t you feel bad for me too?” a grin forming on his face.

  
“Aw c’mon, I still need to have my lunch, Wooyoungie,” you said as your hand is still waiting for his payment. Wooyoung keep on teasing you as he handed the bags to the other boys. Instead of giving the payment, he just held your hand and gave you a handshake.

  
Jongho clicked the space bar on his laptop, perhaps he paused on something that he was listening to. He straightened up and removed his ear pods. He put his guitar on its stand and stood up. Yeosang noticed Jongho slightly frowning at Wooyoung as he approach their group. Yeosang kicked Wooyoung lightly and glared at him, “Dude, if I were you, I’ll give Noona the payment now,” he whispered to Wooyoung then gulped, “… or else you’re gonna die.”

  
Wooyoung raised his eyebrows on him. Yeosang subtly pointed at Jongho which made Wooyoung stiff. Cold sweat was now dripping from Wooyoung’s forehead, he got his wallet from his pockets immediately. He can feel Jongho’s glare piercing his back.

  
“A-ah, Noona. Here!” Wooyoung handed the payment and laughed awkwardly while he closes your hand. He wiped his forehead with the back of his hand and gulped nervously. It was very obvious that he suddenly felt anxious and his Adam’s apple got more prominent as he gulped once again. Yeosang slightly shakes his head and Yunho lightly tugged Jongho’s shirt.

  
“Could it be that Jongho is jealous of Wooyoung?” you thought.

  
You decided to leave the room but you would like to know what will further happen after seeing Jongho acting weird. You stood behind the door, closing it narrowly just enough to let you peek inside. Seonghwa called everyone and asked them to start eating the chicken before it goes cold. Hongjoong then whined that there was no cola and the rest except Jongho agreed. They gathered and sat around the boxes of chicken. Jongho isn’t frowning anymore and he isn’t even having any of the chicken since he said that he is on a diet. The boys kept on teasing Wooyoung to buy them cola but he kept on refusing them.

  
Then you saw Jongho smirk, “Hyung, hyung!” Wooyoung turned to Jongho’s call. The atmosphere was quite awkward. Jongho continued with a low voice, “What if we play to decide if you will buy cola or not?”  
Wooyoung who was anxious a few minutes ago asked what game shall decide their fate. “Let’s play arm-wrestling.” Jongho suggested in an excited tone.

  
“Uh-oh…” Mingi whispered and San whistled. Since Yeosang and Wooyoung are the latest trainees to join, they haven’t witnessed Jongho’s strength yet. Since Wooyoung is too naive he gladly accepted it and started warming his right arm.

  
“Hey Jongho, don’t break his arm, don’t forget that he still needs to debut.” Hongjoong teased which made Jongho laugh.

  
Jongho flexed his right arm as well. You saw his muscle flexing and some of his veins getting prominent. You know that he is left-handed but this is the first time you saw him using his right arm for this.

  
“Eh? Not going to use your dominant hand?” Wooyoung snickered but Jongho just smirked. Little did he know, Jongho uses his right arm for activities like this. Both Jongho and Wooyoung positioned themselves, and San rests his hand on their hands. San counted one to three and the battle began.

  
It just took 2 minutes for Jongho to defeat Wooyoung. Wooyoung whined in pain while the rest laughed and cheered for Jongho. “Okay okay! I’ll buy the cola” Wooyoung said as he massages his arm and prepares to go out.

  
You were in awe by the strength that you just witnessed, “What a strong boyfriend I have!” you blurted out, luckily no one heard you.

  
You hide immediately when you saw Wooyoung heading towards the door and waited until he was nowhere to be found. You slowly went out but then got startled when Jongho came out of the door. He met your eyes, no signs of anger nor jealousy that was there a while ago. “You’re just in time,” he said to you, “Let’s go to the café, I'm not having the chicken. Let’s have lunch together.” then he smiled.

  
At the café, both of you chose to pay for your own meals. He had his green salad and you chose to have a slice of chocolate cheesecake. Of course, both of you had your Iced Americanos. You heard him snort when he saw your cheesecake which earned him a confused expression from you.

  
“Okay, what is it?” you asked sounding irritated.

  
“What are you talking about?” he asked, eyes just looking at his salad.

  
“What did my cheesecake do to make you more moody?” you don’t want to argue but that action really pulled a trigger in you.

  
He just let out a sigh and continued eating his salad. He just ate quietly, he didn’t make any action that could irritate you anymore. He finished earlier than you so he chose to wait until you're done. It was an awkward lunch but of course, his quietness still bothers and worries you. You might be getting irritated right now at him and how he’s not telling you the reason why. You wanted to confront him but there are two reasons why you can’t. First, you still want to respect his privacy and just wait until he becomes comfortable about opening it to you, and second, you too cannot be fully honest with him. You bit your lower lip when you realized it. Yes, you are now honest with him, on how you love him so much but you also wish that you can also be honest about your problems. You don’t want him to worry and add more weight to his daily problems so you keep it to yourself but… nothing can’t be hidden forever and you know that.

  
So you also hoped that Jongho will reveal to you whatever made him different these days.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt bad for Jongho in this chapter ㅠㅠ ...

You grab your mini notebook from your side table and read the pros and cons that you have written.

_Cons:_   
_Uncertain debut_   
_Long wait that has no assurance_   
_Time being wasted_

_Pros:_   
_Improved a lot throughout the years_   
_Learned to take care of self and value physical appearance_   
_Learned a lot about music and dancing_   
_Gained an extended family_   
_Met Jongho, my happy pill and source of strength_

“Eh? Didn’t expect that I have more pros than cons huh?” you said to yourself. You shifted from your seat on your bed and opened your drawer. You looked for your pen and once you saw it, you grabbed it and started thinking if there are new things that you could add to the list from the previous week. After thinking deeply, you finally remember one point to add.

  
You hovered your eyes on your cons list and read them again one by one. As you reach the last one on the list, you slowly write the latest addition on it; We need to end it.

  
It hurt you so much and you just threw your mini notebook somewhere in your room. Again you want to cry but you got distracted when your phone vibrated. It was Jongho.

  
Jongho: _may I come over?_

  
You hesitated if you’ll reply. The way he was acting lately was really getting on your nerves but you still try to understand him. You’ve been friends for 2 years and it hasn't been a year since you’ve started dating him so you always tell yourself that there are still a lot to discover from each other. While still deciding if you will allow him or not, he suddenly called you. He is really stubborn.

  
Jongho: _N-noona…_

  
Y/N: _Yes?_

  
Jongho: _Please?_

  
Y/N: _I know it’s the weekends but you sure you don’t have any additional tasks to do? What about that upcoming entrance exam? Or what about spending this weekend with your hyungs again?_

  
Jongho: _I’ve been moody for the past few days and… I just want to make it up on you._

  
You smiled while hearing those words. He might look tough, intimidating, quiet and mature for his age but deep inside, Jongho is a softie who just finds it difficult to express himself. Of course, you cannot resist him when he’s like this, he already has that soft spot in your heart-which will be forever his.

  
Y/N: _Well okay then._

__________________________________

He brought 2 Iced Americanos, and a Jenga which he said that he bought along the way here.

  
“You don’t really need to spend a lot.” you said. He kissed your cheek and went straight to your bedroom then sat at the floor. He is now lively and just excited to play his Jenga. You saw his eyes glistening as he opens the Jenga box and then he turns it over quickly. He slowly pulls out the box upward so the blocks would be piled up automatically. He gestured you to come over and play with him.

  
“Jongho? You’re the most random boyfriend ever. Don’t tell me you just came here to play?” you asked in disbelief with his childish actions. You chuckled as you saw his tongue slightly sticking out to the corner of his mouth as he aligns some blocks.

  
“I told you, I just wanna make up on you. Here, have your Iced Americano!" and you gladly accepted it.

  
“Have I already told you that you’re cute?” you teased as you sip on the straw of your Americano.

  
“Well.. yeah? When we had our date during the Valentine's day, when we finished that movie.” he answered naively. You snorted because that was not the answer that you were anticipating. You don’t even consider that as a date since you weren’t dating him that time yet. You whined and he just laughs as he looks at you.

  
“I hate you!”

  
“Nahhh, you still love me though.” he said as he straightened from his seat, legs crossed. He grinned at you waiting for your reaction.

  
“I give up!” you raised your hand in defeat.

  
__________________________________

You two played for 3 rounds, Jongho won twice in a row and that made you competitive. You whined in irritation, “Ugh! Let’s change the rules! You are so good at this!”, you snorted and continued, “this time. Let’s ask questions! You okay with that?”

  
Jongho nodded.

  
“So, as we pull out these blocks, instead of asking questions when one of us knocks them down, we’ll ask everytime we succeed? You follow?”

  
Jongho nodded with furrowed eyebrows. A smirk forming in the corner of his mouth.

  
“and then, when one of us knocks it down, hm...what about a dare?” you don’t know if it’s a good idea but you just want to compete right now since you got fired up.

  
“Okay, what dare?” he asked as he rest his chin on his knuckles, elbow supporting his arm while resting on his thigh. Then he winked at you. You blushed and reached out for your pillow and threw it at his face.

  
“CHOI JONGHO! WHATEVER YOU’RE THINKING -- IT’S A NO!” you blurted out while reaching for another pillow. He reached out for you to stop you from doing so.

  
“Hey, hey! Sorry, I was just joking,” he said while laughing hard, enjoying that he got to tease you to that level. You glared at him and returned to your seat.

  
To be honest, it was fun that you can see him being him again but it still bothers you not knowing the reason of his quietness for the past few days. Well, you have an idea but you want to hear it from his lips. The new rule you suggested is just a camouflage of your true intention, you just want to ask him those unanswered questions in your mind.

  
You went first, you pulled one block successfully. “Are you fine now?” you chose to start with a safe question.

  
“Well, I guess, Yes?” he answered. You gestured him that it’s his turn.

  
He chose a block at the bottom and pulled it successfully. “Why were you with Wooyoung last time?” he asked you with a strong question but he isn’t angry. It seems like he was really dying to ask you that and grab this chance to ask it.

  
“Wait, when was that?” you asked.

  
“At the café, last week,” he emphasized.

  
“Oh that? Since you and I agreed not to see each other often in the company, I go out for lunch alone, right? It just happens that Wooyoung was also there to have his lunch and I had some questions to ask him so we ate together.”

  
He sighed and rolled his eyes. “Okay, your turn.”

  
You chose to pull a block at the right side and it was also a success. “So, is he the reason why you’re moody? Do you hate him now?”

  
“Hey! Just ask one question!” Jongho whined, frowning but having difficulty to look at you.  
“Okay, you hate him?”

  
“Nahh. I’m just J-…I’m just jealous, okay? I was also there that time, well, you both were already eating when I arrived and you guys were so busy laughing to notice me though,” a sad expression forming on his face, “okay my turn!" he said and he swiftly pulled out a block at the left side. The tower of blocks wiggled but then after a few seconds it maintained its balance.

  
“Okay that was close,” you whispered.

  
“So, since when did you love having cheesecakes? Especially that Chocolate Cheesecake? Thought you can’t bear sweet stuff?”

  
“Is that the reason why you hated my cheesecake?!” you scoffed.

  
“I’m the one asking here.” He scoffed back.

  
“Just. One. Question. Please.” You emphasized while glaring at him.

  
“Okay, the chocolate cheesecake,” he groaned.

  
“Wooyoung let me have a taste of it when we had lunch together. I thought it was good so I ordered it again.”

  
Your answer left his mouth open in disbelief as if you have betrayed him. He pursed his lips together, “that guy…” he mumbled. It was annoying that he gets moody at such small things but you find it cute that he is getting jealous, unless he’ll be like this everytime, then you won’t tolerate it anymore.

  
You didn’t wait anymore for him to calm from his whining and pulled out a block, “Why does it look like the rest of the boys know about us?” this time you asked with a wary sound.

  
“Believe me, I never told anyone. Maybe they just felt it no matter how much we hide it.” he answered you and this time he had calmed down. “but you see, they just let us.”

  
You looked at him, “and what about the company?” and then looked at the floor.

  
He wasn’t able to answer and just chose to shrug off that question – this fact that both of you are afraid of talking about. “My turn?” he asked.

  
“Sure.”

  
Jongho chose to take a risk by pulling a block at the middle which is surrounded by blocks that have less support. He carefully pulled it but he failed. The tower of blocks crashed and he was shocked.

  
“HA! YOU LOSE!” you teased him.

  
“No. Way.” He said.

  
“Dare!” you cheered.

  
“Okay, what is it?” he asked.

  
You think of what could be a useful dare for him. After thinking for a few seconds, you remembered Wooyoung’s story about Jongho not washing the dishes at the dorm. You snickered and then grinned at him. “Well, here’s your dare. Clean my room… just my room! Understand? Enjoy, I’ll take a shower then. See ya.” He was in awe by the dare and wanted to protest. You shushed him just like what he did to you before and went inside the bathroom.

  
Jongho warily started to clean your room. He first swept the floor, he would like to clean it first with rollers just like what Seonghwa does in the dorm but since you don’t own one, he started with a broom instead. He then used some wet wipes that he saw from your drawer and wiped the floor. After that, he grabbed the broom again and swept the whole floor in your room and finished by mopping it. He started to fix your bed, he made sure that your bed sheet is tucked well on the corners of your mattress and free from any wrinkle. He grabbed your pillows, puffed them to each other and positioned them according to their sizes, and he didn't forget to place your favorite pillow-which you always hug, at the side. He folded your blanket neatly and placed them next to your pillows.

  
His back started to ache but he chose to ignore it and continued cleaning your hairdresser. He wiped the dusts above it and stood up some bottles of your cosmetics that have fallen down. He also arranged the school supplies that are scattered above your side table and study table. Then as he was arranging, he saw your mini notebook at the floor.

  
__________________________________

  
After showering, of course, you already brought your clothes inside the bathroom so that you may change inside. No, you won’t ever dare to do it in your room while Jongho is there. You already know Jongho – well somehow. He is still young, a risk-taker and you know wild imaginations might make him lose control. You have witnessed how he also gives hints of those kind of teases but still, being the older one, you don’t want to encourage that kind of relationship between the two of you – not now. Both of you are of age, but still young and you would never want to cause him any trouble, anything that may ruin both your dreams. It reminded you of Hongjoong’s words, “don’t cause any trouble.”

  
When you went out of your bathroom, you were in awe at how he was able to do the dare well. “Woah,” you can’t help but just be proud of how he was able to do it, “Jongho-ya~ you really did a great job!”

  
He was sitting again on the floor, back slouching. He looked very tired which made you feel sorry for him. You forgot that maybe he was still aching from the overload training they had these days. He started to stretch, cracking his knuckles and massaging his arm. You rush toward him and offer to massage him.

  
“A-ah it’s okay.” he said. You noticed that his voice was a little hoarse, unlike a while ago.

  
“Please, let me. I can’t help seeing you hurting.” You said as you start to massage him. You started at the sides of his neck, carefully using your hands to apply pressure and then using your thumb to put extra pressure on some parts. You heard him hiss softly. Then you went down to his shoulder blades and did some round circles with your palm. “Tell me where it hurts.” you encouraged him.

  
He seems to be liking it but he stopped you by laying his left hand over your right hand. “N-noona, it’s okay. I’ll just take painkillers instead.” He said, and softly squeezed your hand.

  
“Jongho, why are you being stubborn again?” you said in a calm voice, worried about the pain that he might be enduring this week.

  
He then turned to face you without having eye contact with you, his expression is gloomy again but this time he doesn’t look angry nor jealous. You saw his lips rumbling, as if he is stopping himself from saying any word. His jaw is clenched and his eyelashes are wet and not long after that, tears started to stream down on his cheeks.

  
“J-jongho? W-what’s wrong?” this is the first time you saw him shed some tears and it feels so heavy. He still don’t say a word which made you more anxious. You are kneeling in front of him and started to cup his cheeks with your hands. “Hey, baby. Come on. Tell me what’s wrong? Is it that painful? Shall we go to the hospital now?” You looked at him but he still avoids your eyes. You are getting more desperate and your voice is getting unstable. A lump is forming in your throat as you wipe his tears away with your thumbs. His breathing started to get heavier.

  
“A-are you leaving?” voice hoarse, tears still flowing and nostrils getting wet. He looked into your eyes. Eyes hooded, glistening from those sorrowful tears and eyebrows furrowed. His breath stutters as he tries to speak again, “P-please be honest with me, please…” he closed his eyes tightly as he can’t contain the tears that keeps on streaming down his face and bit his lower lip.

  
You were shocked by his question making you slowly remove your hands from his cheeks. He bowed his head, tears falling now directly to the floor, body shaking due to crying and sobbing sounds resounds in the whole room. You also felt that tears are welling up in your eyes so you inhaled deeply to stop it from streaming down. “Please… tell me, are you considering about leaving the company???” he said those words while gritting his teeth.

  
You were shocked on how on earth was he able to know that. “J-jongho what the hell are you talking about???” you tried to smile but you cannot hide your anxiety. You are also getting scared and you never knew this moment will finally come.

  
Slowly, he took out something behind him. Your eyes widened when you saw what he has on his hand, your mini notebook and it was open on that page. You gasped loudly, eyes shaking, furrows forming on your forehead and heat filling your head. You grabbed the notebook harshly from his hand. You fell to the floor from kneeling, breathing furiously and in disbelief. “WHERE DID YOU GET THIS?!” you shouted as you panic. You felt a lot of emotions at one time. Anger, embarrassment, pain, panic, fear – all of these filled you right away.

  
Jongho rest his hand on his thigh and clenched his fist. He cried further and that was the first time you heard such a heart-breaking voice from him. The voice that usually melts your eardrums, hums you to sleep and make you feel alive is now replaced by sorrow. “PLEASE ANSWER ME!!” he wailed which broke your heart into more pieces.

  
You just stared at him, watching him breaking down, not knowing how to answer him. Then he whispered, “P-please…”


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw// Physical Violence
> 
> This is the only chapter with physical violence

You finally broke down and started crying out loud as well. You tightly hold your notebook, which you didn’t noticed that some pages were getting crumpled. Both of you cried and cried, both of you are heart broken – you felt guilt rushing all throughout your body.

“Have you already given up?” he asked, voice shaking. “Why? WHY?!”

“YES!” you said loudly and inhaled, “It is just so tiring people keeping your hopes high! I am tired of seeing people getting ahead of me! I feel like nothing’s gonna happen anymore, that all I have to do now is leave. I feel so hopeless! For 5 years, I chased that dream. For 5 years, I saw how people come and go, but look?! I’m still in this state… for 5 FUCKING YEARS, I’m still not enough!”

“Y/N… so you’ll just give up? What about these pros that you have written?! Or is it because of us?! You won’t fight for it??” he wailed.

“Jongho, I am tired. I am really sick and tired of this cycle… I want to breathe. It is very suffocating…WE CANNOT EVEN BE TOGETHER OUTSIDE! This is very suffocating for me, I can’t be with you all the time! It hurts that in order to fulfill this dream, we need to hide. As if love for people like us is a taboo! I just want to be free around you. If continuing this will cause you trouble, then I’ll be the one to give up on this dream. You’re still young, and the company is now more focused on you guys… My conscious will kill me if you’ll be kicked because of me.” both of you met each other’s eyes.

“What? Didn’t we agreed to reach this dream together?? Haven’t I told you that you’re not alone anymore???” Jongho asked while hitting his chest. His gesture gave you more pain. Out of adrenaline rush, you threw your notebook and ran to him to stop him from hitting himself.

“Jongho! Stop it!! Please! You are hurting yourself!!” you struggled as you tried to stop him by gripping his wrist but he was too strong.

“All these time, I have been trying to comfort you, to lift you up, to remind you that there is still someone who believes in you! All these time, I wanted you to feel accompanied and secured!” he was lost in his rage so you tried to block his fists from hitting his chest.

“JONGHO!!” his fist kept on hitting your arms and it really did hurt you a lot. “AH! JONGHO! PLEASE!” you cried out. He accidentally pushed you so you stumbled on the floor resulting to your forehead hitting the floor directly.

Jongho was still in rage and started hitting his head with his fist, “And you just want to leave?! What hurts the most is it seems like all that I did for you was useless! As if you never felt them. It’s a failure for me! It was also difficult for me! I wanted to be with you, to see you smile, to make you feel whole just like how you make me feel! It is also suffocating for me! Didn’t you told me not to give up on my dream just to save what we have right now? That I have come a long way?! But why are you now the one to give up on debuting? Am I not enough too to make you stay in the company?!”

You get up slowly while rubbing your forehead that hit the floor. You felt dizzy and kinda want to vomit but hearing him still wailing and now blaming himself crushed your heart.

“The fact that despite this relationship is established, you still consider leaving and not planning to tell me. I just want you to be honest with me, I am always ready to lend my ears for you… but it seems like we don’t see each other the same way. Did you ever try to understand my heart?” he stopped hitting himself and bit his lower lip until they bleed. You found it hard to find your balance again but you still tried to come to his side.  
“J-jongho…” you gasped, almost voiceless. You noticed that your sight is getting blurry but you still pushed yourself to stay beside him.

He looked at you as he cries. His eyes are swollen and lower lip bleeding. You held his fists and shook your head. “Jongho, I’m really sorry,” you said in between of your stuttering breathes. You squeezed his clenched fists then loosened them. You intertwined your fingers to his but in the process you saw how his nails dug deep into his palm and they were bleeding. It gave you more pain. “My poor Jongho, what have I done to you?” you thought.

You lift one of his hand and kissed his knuckles while sobbing. “Forgive me for being selfish.” you then released his hands and started caressing his cheeks. You used your thumbs to wipe his tears. You wiped his wet nostrils with the back of your hand. “Baby, stop hurting yourself. Please.” You felt the guilt build up more in you as you say the words. “I was too focused in my feelings… I became a coward. I failed to see how you feel… that you are also hurting. Please, forgive me.”

Hearing your words, Jongho started to calm down but he felt disgust towards himself. He just realized what you did a while ago trying your best to stop him. He saw the bruises forming on your forearms. He felt your hands trembling non-stop as you caress his cheeks.

“N-noona!” he blurted out. He saw you finding difficulty in opening your eyes and slowly falling down. He caught you in his arms just in time.

“Don’t h-hurt yourself again,” you mumbled. He also noticed a swelling forming in your forehead. He hugged you tightly, snuggling his face on your neck and cried again. You weakly wrapped your arms around him, pain creeping in your arms once the adrenaline rush has lost its effect. It was so painful and you can’t help but groan.

Jongho who is still crying, carried you and laid you on your bed. He panicked and gathered everything that he might use to aid your bruises. While he’s busy taking care of you, you slightly opened your eyes, watching everything that he does.

Tears are still streaming down your cheeks and your forearms are so painful, it seems like you can’t practice next week. “Jongho, you’re also hurt. Let me.” you said as you slowly scoop up yourself and rest your back on your bed rest. You struggled to reach your drawer and he immediately opened it for you. You grab your first aid kit and put out some cotton buds, band aids and topical ointment. Before you were able to start, he stopped you, insisting that he should be the one to take care of his wounds since he is the one who did it to himself.

“Jongho, let me. You never failed to take care of me. We should be taking care of each other, since it is only us who have each other’s back. It is only us who will further understand each other in this unfair industry.” you explained and started applying the topical ointment. It hurt him but he endured it well.

“Baby..” you noticed that you’ve been calling him that unconsciously but you don’t feel awkward and you know he’ll be teasing you for that soon. He blushed by hearing you calling him that way. “I will start to become more honest with you. I’m sorry for hurting you that much. I was so oblivious. Please, don’t hurt yourself again. It is more painful for me to see you, who I adore so much, being broken as well.”

When you finished cleaning and applying the ointment on his wounds, you put some band aids over it.

“Y/N, let’s strive more to further understand each other.” he said in a soft voice, again dropping the formalities by saying just your first name, “I will not give up on you, so I hope, I really hope that you won't too. I’m here to remind you that you’re not alone. We might still be young, but we are growing and we will surely discover more.”

And he hugged you again and snuggled his face on the part where your neck and collarbone meets. “Your concerns are my concerns, your struggles are my struggles too and when you’re hurting then I’ll be hurting too. Please, I hope you won’t endure your problems alone anymore. I love you, and I will always love you. This dream, this relationship… they will all fall into the right place if we’re together.”

“I love you more." you hugged him tightly eventhough your arms are still hurting. You thought that if loving him will be as painful as this – you hugging him like now, then you wouldn’t care anymore about getting hurt. You’ll just hug him tighter so that he can feel that he is loved and that's your genuine source of happiness now.

You slowly rub his back with one of your hands. Both of you just want to stay like that. “So what do we do now? What if one day, they’ll catch us? We can’t stay hidden forever.” you asked.

His warm breathe hits your neck. “Then let’s both leave…” he said with no regrets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided this week to update until Chapter 13 (I updated 3 chapters)
> 
> I hope that whoever is still reading this is not regretting that you clicked on my work at the very first place.
> 
> Lastly, Thank You! Hope to read a feedback from you soon.  
> _____
> 
> Next chapters to be updated will reveal more about Jongho, more angst and how Y/N & Jongho's secret relationship will progress as trainees.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First chapter in Jongho's POV

Jongho went home to the dorm that night. As usual, he insisted to stay at Y/N’s apartment but she is firm on saying that he should go back to the dorm. Jongho opened the door carefully, trying not to make any noise. It’s not that he doesn’t want to wake up anyone but he just doesn’t want anyone to know that he already came back.

As usual, the dorm is already quiet and clean, Seonghwa probably already cleaned the mess he never witness every weekend for he rarely spent them here. He went straight to his room with light footsteps. Mingi’s soft snores can be heard and he is relieved. Still being careful he went to his bed.

Just a few minutes after making himself comfortable, the door opened. He panicked and immediately faked that he is already sleeping. He squinted his eyes just enough to see who opened it. Whoever it was, he just opened the door narrowly, just enough to peek inside. The guy didn’t turn on the lights yet he used his phone's flashlight to check on the room. He cannot identify who it was, he is sure that it isn’t Yunho. He still tried to identify if it’s Hongjoong or Wooyoung, for their heights are almost the same. The guy closed the door carefully when he was done checking the room.

He laid on his bed comfortably, he thought that the guy could be Hongjoong, that maybe he was waiting for him to come back. He always comes back to the dorm by Sunday before 6 pm but tonight, he went back late. Usually he has his dinner with them during Sundays and he sleeps at 8 pm, this is the first time he saw him checking on them while they sleep.

He thought that Hongjoong might come to him tomorrow because he went home very late. As the leader, Hongjoong might be busy with writing songs but he always makes sure to at least know how their days went or what could be bothering his members. He is indeed a reliable hyung to everyone.

Jongho felt guilty. He thought that Hongjoong, besides that he always stays late, also waited for him to come back. That maybe he made him worried, not being able to be with them during the dinner. He also thought if he will get scolded and maybe he already knows why he was late. Usually, Hongjoong sends a KKT message or call anyone who is not yet at the dorm during the call time, he also nags at them all the time when they fail to do what he assigned them, he also has one on one talks with anyone who has a problem.

Despite all these, Jongho never considered opening up to him or to anyone of them -- not even to Yunho. Just like Y/N, he also fears one thing, that they’ll get busted and people around them will try to stop them. He could be lying if he says he never felt the urge to open up to them, to ask for Hongjoong’s help or to apologize for not spending time with them. He felt heavy again and he can’t sleep. He kept on tossing and turning in his bed, the image of Y/N being covered with bruises because of his breakdown flashed in his mind once again which made him cry. He cried so much that night, but he made sure that no noise will come out from him. He kept on crying until he fell asleep.

__________________________________

The next day, he felt Yunho shaking him lightly trying to wake him up. “Jjong~ wake up, breakfast is ready, the hyungs are already eating.”

  
“Mmm, s-sure, I’ll follow you, hyung. I’ll just wash my face.” He mumbled then Yunho went back to the dining room. Jongho washed his face with water so that he can remove the crystals that formed at the sides of his eyes, anything that will give a hint that he fell asleep crying. But fuck, his eyes were still swollen.

When he had his seat at the dining table, it was still the usual morning they have. Wooyoung, San and Yeosang have their cute banters, Seonghwa is telling them to be quiet for they are eating, Mingi and Yunho are enjoying their meals quietly but Hongjoong isn’t there.

“Seonghwa hyung, where’s Hongjoong hyung?” Jongho asked.

“He’s still sleeping, he was so tired and he wouldn’t budge when I was waking him up. The last time I remember, he went to the bed at 3am. He turned on the light that time so it woke me up suddenly.” Seonghwa explained, he looked worried while looking at Jongho. He surely noticed how swollen his eyes were, but he chose not to point it out anymore. “Don’t worry, he needs more rest.” he smiled and motioned Jongho to start digging into his breakfast.

Jongho held his chopsticks and slowly started eating. He reached out for some side dishes when Mingi noticed the slightly-falling-off bandages on his palm.

“Hey Jongho, what happened to that?” Mingi asked worriedly while pointing his lips at Jongho’s palm. All of them went quiet when Mingi asked and focused to Jongho.

“Oh! I-I accidentally slipped yesterday.” Jongho lied, putting the side dishes on his bowl immediately. He hated himself for forgetting to remove the band aids since they got wet a while ago while washing his face.

“Dude, you better be careful next time. We have to take care of our skin.” San said and Jongho just nodded while chewing.

“You okay?” a genuinely concerned Wooyoung asked, “You don’t look… well.”

He swallowed what he was currently chewing and drank the water on his glass first. He sighed and answered, “Guys, I’m sorry for coming home late a-and… for not spending much time with all of you. There’s just this problem that kept on bothering me. I’m also sorry because I can't open it up to all of you.” and he continued eating, but his eyes were lifeless. As if the food he’s eating has no taste.

Seonghwa pat his shoulder lightly, “Just remember we’re here, open up to us when you’re ready.”

“Yeah, I can also feel that you have a problem but don’t forget that you have 7 hyungs that are here for you.” Yunho said. Jongho smiled half-heartedly to them and they continued eating.

Everyone’s getting ready to go to the company to have their usual practice. Jongho hasn’t taken his bath yet, he said that he’ll go last this time. He stayed at his room, sitting at the edge of his bed. His backache is killing him and he is massaging his aching arms.

“Jongho, it’s your turn. We’re all done.” Yeosang said while standing by the door. He noticed that Jongho is in pain and got worried, “Hey, did your back also get hurt when you slipped yesterday?” he asked innocently.

  
“Ah, y-yes hyung… but my body was already aching since last week, maybe it’s because of the trainings. I even took painkillers.”

“Why don't you take a rest? Hongjoong hyung looks like he also can’t go today since he woke up very late, he may accompany you here! Stay here, I’ll say to the hyungs.” Yeosang left immediately before Jongho could even protest. That moment, he knew that this day he could really receive a scolding from Hongjoong.

The members left already, the manager allowed Jongho to skip today’s practice. It was decided that if the painkiller really can’t help at all to give him temporary relief, he better rest, see a doctor and skip the practices this week. Since it was only him and Hongjoong left, he decided to stay in his room. He didn’t like that he can’t practice today or even the possibility of skipping the practices this week, for him it’s a waste of time. So he stood up, he opened his guitar case and took the guitar out. He decided that if he can’t do any dance practices this week, then he better not slack off at the dorm and instead, practice his singing.

He sang beautiful songs, songs that he would love to sing to Y/N the next time he has a chance to do so. He misses her so much, always… whenever they are not together. Just the thought of her makes his heart skip a beat. He is now smiling just by looking at the lyrics of the song flashed at the screen of his laptop, a total fool for Y/N. He thought of just letting Y/N rest so he is not bothering on calling her. He can’t even do it now since their phones are once again confiscated. He still feels guilty and sad about last night but he needs to make himself strong for her, for his dream and for his members.

Jongho was never a cry baby but for him crying is not something to be ashamed of. He is indeed very bashful but he knows when to man up. He cries if it badly hurts him, if he really becomes too emotional or when it’s very difficult for him to hold it anymore. Yet he is weak in expressing himself.

He loves to tease people who are dear to him, that’s somehow how he expresses himself. He can also be frank but his intentions will never be to hurt someone. Despite of being the firstborn in his family, which made him open his eyes on how to be a hyung to his only dongsaeng, he still respects his 7 hyungs as the maknae of the group.

He heard a knock from the door, it’s Hongjoong. “Jongho? Can I come in?”

“Ah, yes, hyung. Come in.”

“Hey, can I have a talk with you?” Hongjoong asked, his face was warm but in wary.

“About what, hyung?” he asked, as he slowly returns his guitar to its case.

“About you, Jongho.” Hongjoong sat on the edge of his bed, patting the space immediately adjacent to him, inviting Jongho to sit beside him. “Since it’s just us today, I would like to have this opportunity to talk to you, I believe it will be harder to reach out to you if the others are here.”

He is right, Jongho doesn’t want anyone else to know what else is happening to him. Jongho felt nervous and awkward but Hongjoong is his hyung, a reliable hyung to all of them.

“I’m sorry…” Jongho doesn’t know how to start and just said those words. Hongjoong pat his soft coconut hair and smiled at him warmly, just like how a hyung comforts his dongsaeng.

“Can you promise to be honest with me?” funny that Jongho is now hearing the words that he usually says to Y/N. “You don’t need to say everything if you’re not ready but be honest with me. I’m your hyung, I hope you will also trust me. You see, you’ve been with me and Yunho the longest yet I feel like I failed to be a hyung to you.”

Jongho can’t look at him in the eyes. He suddenly feels small and soft. He feels so shy and sorry for being a stubborn maknae. He also failed to let Hongjoong be a hyung to him. He pouted.

“Why were you late? I was really worried. You didn’t have your dinner last night.” Hongjoong stayed calm and carefully asking questions. He doesn’t want to scold the boy right away, he needs to, but for him, this is not the right time.

“Hyung, I’m sorry. I-…” Jongho hesitated to continue, he realized that he had never told him that he kept on staying at Y/N’s apartment. He got scared, his palms started to get sweaty and his nervousness made him gulp. “I was at Y/N’s apartment.”

Hongjoong’s eyes widened and his mouth stayed open. He was indeed startled, “Jongho…” he whispered. He expected it already but he still can’t help getting shocked.

“Hyung, I believe that you know what we are right now.” Jongho continued, “I’m sorry for not even asking for your opinion.” and bit his lower lip.

“Jongho, w-we already talked about this, right?” Hongjoong squeezed lightly Jongho’s shoulder. His brows are furrowed out of genuine concern. “Well I guess, it can’t be helped.”

Jongho suddenly looked at him, the first time that Hongjoong seems to catch his attention. “Jongho, I don’t know if you will trust me but in this group, I would be the person to really understand you. I’ve been there. That’s why I am genuinely afraid and concern about you.”

“What do you mean, hyung?”

“I also did the same thing before. I once had a girlfriend. I was too young and well…she was too.” Hongjoong admitted, “well it was like a puppy love, y’know the typical young relationship. We also tried to hide it but she was kicked out of the company.”

“Hyung.” Jongho can’t say any word but that.

“Actually, we broke up before she was kicked out. It was really a shallow relationship and it did not last long as well but what saddens me is it distracted her too much. She once again tried to have a relationship with another male trainee, she posts about them in her SNS and then they were caught… in the act. They were supposed to debut the next year. They were both talented but our industry doesn’t work like that.” Hongjoong narrated sadly.

Jongho wanted to know what act he was talking about but he was too shy to ask for more details. Hongjoong just looks sad telling the story, no hatred nor disgust paints his face.

“Jongho, our maknae, listen carefully to what I'm about to say. I’ll say this for the first and last time to you.” Hongjoong crossed his arms and Jongho straightened up the way he sits, showing more eagerness to listen. “It’s not a crime to love but we are in this cruel industry. I don’t want you or Y/N getting kicked out nor caught, I don’t want anyone getting ruined anymore. It’s unfair but this is not yet the right time. Perhaps you two can… call it off?”

Hongjoong said the last words hesitantly which felt like a stab to Jongho’s heart.

“Okay, I know I am in no authority to ask this, I know this can’t be helped, we are just humans. I know my hands aren’t even clean for I have chosen to close my eyes about your relationship with Y/N for the last few months, you two are even behaving well. To be honest, I have no problems with your relationship but I want to prohibit you two before anyone does, at least it can’t do any harm on your dreams of debuting, I would never wish any from the two of you getting kicked out… but what if the company already knows? It’s your debuts that are at sake. I can’t afford to lose any of you.”

“Hyung. What do I do?” fear is forming inside Jongho. “It feels like it’s all my fault…”

Hongjoong suddenly realized that he wasn’t able to let Jongho open up for more. “Jongho, I’m just warning you, the decision is still upon the two of you. By the way, what really happened last night?”

Jongho assured Hongjoong that they never did anything across the line which made the leader sigh in relief. When Jongho told him about the commotion last night, he finally became honest to him and he even showed his wounds by peeling of the bandages. Hongjoong was so shocked but he chose not to be hysterical.

“H-hyung! Please forgive me.” Jongho suddenly burst into tears, “It was really not my intention to hurt Y/N or myself. I’ll be good next time. Hyung, please trust me. I’ll now focus on my dreams more. I’ll stop being stubborn. I will be more careful for the team. I’ll also ask for your permission first.”

The sight of Jongho breaking down in front of him crushed Hongjoong's heart. Hongjoong thought that even he’s mature in many ways, Jongho is still young, experimental, and prone to mistakes. It further broke the leader’s heart that the boy is just a victim of these unfair rules and mindsets, that he has to go through this as he reaches for his dreams.”

Hongjoong pulled Jongho to his side. He rubbed the maknae’s back and just let him cry. He honestly doesn’t know what to do or say, he’s also very scared and he also resents how cruel the path is in order to be an idol, but they chose this. For Hongjoong, it is worth the wait and he believes that he can manage to focus alone in working than anything else but he would never force anyone from his members to be like him if they can’t.

“Jongho, you are soon to be of age, and I adore that you are more mature than anyone else here to grasp all these things. Again, the decision will be up to the two of you. I’m just here to warn you guys, that at least I did my part. But I still hope for the better for your relationship with her. If it’s the other members experiencing this, I would also do the same for them. So don’t be angry with hyung, okay? I love you all, you are now my extended family.”


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is in 3rd person

“Hey, sure you can have practice today without having any complications?” San asked

“Yeah, I’m sure. Besides, I feel so bored just staying here at the dorm, I badly want to learn all the lessons that I missed.” Jongho answered while packing his backpack.

“Oh, okay...” San says as he searches for something in his bag, “Here have this,” he handed Jongho his extra painkilllers.

“Thanks, hyung!” Jongho answered as he accept the meds.

“Just take ‘em when you badly need it, when it becomes very intolerable for you. Taking too much won't be good for our liver, we need to take care of our bodies.” San explained.

Jongho just took a 3 day rest and since the pain is now more tolerable than last week, he chose to attend the practices for the rest of the week. As usual, he started to warm up with an exercise yet he chose not to do it as vigorous as how he usually does, for he doesn’t want to tire himself again and might have a relapse, he doesn’t want to skip the rest of the practices anymore.

Jongho, just like Y/N, is passionate about what he wants and loves to do. It's just that, he is braver than her, he never says he can’t do it when he has never tried it yet. He is a risk taker, instead of being scared, he loves to experience new things. He is usually strong, physically and mentally. He is indeed a pride of his hyungs. He is usually focused, always know what to prioritize and willing to give up anything just to achieve what he sees as his main goal.

After that tiring week, Hongjoong invited everyone to hang out at the Han River on the Saturday of the same week. As the leader of these 7 trainees that are soon to dominate the world, he doesn’t want them to just improve their skills, he also wants to strengthen their brotherhood. He firmly believes that that would make them stronger as a team.

When Saturday came, everyone woke up early to exercise near the Han River which is, of course, Jongho’s idea. Since he knew that he badly needs to make up to them, he thought that what if he initiates an activity that he loves to do? He is one of the early birds and currently waking up some of the members.

“Hyung! Hyung!” Jongho tries to wake Mingi up but he won’t budge and just keep on mumbling nonsense. “Ah hyung!” he continues shaking Mingi until he was fed up. “I’ll go back to you hyung, okay? When I get back to you make sure you already washed your face… or else.” he said and left without finishing his sentence.  
He saw Seonghwa already packing their breakfast, Yeosang and Wooyoung are also awake while Yunho, Hongjoong and San are still in their beds. He then chose to wake up his favorite hyung first.

“Hyung! Yunho hyung!!” Yunho is still snoring and Jongho knew already that he will also be difficult to wake up. In the dorm, Mingi and Yunho are the most difficult members to wake up, next is San. Since Yunho is the closest hyung to him, he is comfortable to show his soft side to him the most. He went on Yunho’s bed, kneeling and then he cuddled him. Yunho suddenly woke up when he felt Jongho’s weight. “Hyuuuuuuuung, wake up!!! WAKE UUUUP!!”

Yunho opened his eyes tiredly and laughed at his clinginess, “Okay, okay! But get off me first.” Jongho got off him while grinning, “Okaaaay!! I’ll now go to my next target.”

Jongho now went to San. San uses the upper part of the double bed, Jongho watched him first, thinking how he could wake him up in not a normal way. San is surrounded by his plushie collection and covered by his blanket. After a few minutes of deciding how he would do it, he hides himself below and started slowly pulling San’s fave from his arms, Shiber. San opened his eyes suddenly, startled at why is Shiber being pulled.  
“Huh? What?” a confused San asks himself as he tries to open his eyes.

“Hyung…” Jongho whispered.

“S-shiber!” San shouted.

Jongho is trying his best to stop himself from bursting into laughter below San’s bed, especially when he suddenly pulled Shiber down. San panicked and tried to save Shiber from falling by slightly lifting his upper body, tilting it side ways and following it with his arms, then he saw Jongho on the bed below laughing.

“Ahhhh! Jonghooo!!” San whined, “Dude, what’s with that?”

“H-hyung,” Jongho is still laughing, “Wake up, we still need to go to the Han River.” He said in between his laughs. He gave San his fave plushie back and went to his last target, Kim Hongjoong.

On his way, he suddenly felt bashful, he thought of not playing tricks on him like how he did on the other members. He remembered that he is still the leader, that he may be very tired, or maybe he won’t like it. He opened the door carefully and he saw his hyung sleeping on his bed peacefully. His mac book is beside him, his accessories are neatly arranged and hanged on its organizer and an undone shoe which looks like he was reforming the night before is at the middle of the room. He wondered how Seonghwa was able to endure his roommate knowing he’s a clean freak.

He quietly went closer to Hongjoong’s bed, “Hyung! Hongjoong hyung, wake up”. When he got no reaction from him, he tried shaking him lightly. Hongjoong started to give small responses, “Hyung, it’s time to wake up. We still need to go to the Han River, you asked us to bond, right?” Jongho is still shaking him lightly.

“Ah yeah. I was already awake… I am just thinking what we should do there.” Hongjoong mumbled while his eyes are still closed.

“Eh??” Jongho became confused, he is sure that Hongjoong isn’t wake up when he came. “Hyung, c’mon. Most of us are already done and ready to go.”

“Y-yeah. I ain’t sleeping though.”

“Yes, you are.”

“No, I’m not, Jongho-ya.” And Hongjoong shifted and further burrowed his head to his minion side pillow.

Jongho chuckled silently on how his hyung is acting like a baby, how he is convincing him by his alibis. He found his hyung very adorable, that’s when he further appreciated their leader who takes care of them all the time. He might be the leader, but he also needs to be taken care of. Jongho continued to wake him up by playing along with his alibis, “Ahhh hyung~ there’s no need to think and hide your face with your pillow~ also didn’t I already suggest a lot of activities today? So get up~”

Hongjoong finally turned and face him, eyes are half-opened. He yawned and stretched while still lying flat on his back. He rubbed his eyes and wiped some tears, “Er-.. what were the activities again?”

“First is Exercise. We-…” Jongho isn’t finish talking when the leader cut him off with a childish whine

“Aiiinggg~ I don’t like doing excercises…”

“Hyung… Uhm… I’ll call Seonghwa hyung… now.” then he left him.

And of course, Seonghwa succeeded on waking him up. Seonghwa went out of the room sighing and Hongjoong followed behind him, still sleepy, bowing his head and struggling to find his way to the bathroom. Jongho chuckled at the sight.

__________________________________

They started their activity with jogging along the side of the river. Hongjoong and Mingi are the ones that kept on complaining like kids ,and Wooyoung and San leads them energetically. The rest of the members kept on laughing while jogging because it feels like they’re in the army. Wooyoung shouts and leads them like a professional trainer, “Hurry up! C’mon! C’mon! We gotta build those muscles up! SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOOOOOT!” and San accompanies it with his countings, “1-2, 1-2, 1-2, look to your right” San inhaled and shouted too, “and you’ll see the Han RIVEEEEEER!!! IT’S THE HAN RIVEEEEEER!”

Jongho laughed at the sight then Yeosang commented, “We’re jogging, not marching.”

After the 10 minutes of jogging they rode the bicycles they rented and enjoyed the scenery. Seonghwa chose not to ride one and instead, started preparing their picnic. He unfolded the picnic mat, which is wide enough for the 8 of them, and stretch it over the grass. He brings out the lunch boxes and 2 jugs of homemade lemonade juices that he prepared with Yeosang.

When they started eating their breakfast from their lunch boxes, Hongjoong opened up the topic about their dreams and how did all of them ended up in the company. He wants to be closer to all of them and also wants to encourage each of them to grow their trust for each other.

The topic started with Hongjoong telling them, “I started working at the company during high school. Well, uhm, I used to be an achiever but I chose to focus here and since then I’ve been composing. To be honest, I never dreamed of being an idol.” Hongjoong scratched his nape shyly, “I really wanted to be a composer but looks like they’ve seen potential in me and said they’ll rather debut me as an idol.”

Hongjoong started to get more serious and kinda emotional as he continues while the members lend their ears to him, “Ever since then, I rarely go home or meet my family, my mac book has been one of my bestfriends along the way. I even encountered a lot of difficulties and I almost gave up years ago because I was the only male trainee here for a long time until Yunho came.” Yunho smiled shyly and gestured to him that he doesn’t need to mention him. Hongjoong smiled at Yunho and ended his sharing with, “but now you are all here, I now have 7 brothers, my extended family. I hope everyone here will get along together. I suggest we should always have this open forum every Saturday that we may all talk about whatever happened every week, are you all right with that?” in which everyone agrees.

One by one, told their stories – how they ended up in this company. As the topic gets more emotional, it is now finally Jongho’s turn. Jongho shyly look at them and smiled awkwardly not knowing how to start. He scratched his nape while saying, “Ah should I really tell my story?”.

Wooyoung, being himself, cheered for Jongho, “ohhh everyone be quiet!! It’s the maknae! It’s our maknae’s turn!"

“C’mon buddy, we are now all exposed, it’s time you get exposed too!” Mingi added.

“Hey Jongho-ya, don’t be shy okay? It’s just us, your hyungs.” Seonghwa encouraged him while Hongjoong gave him a warm smile.

Jongho felt small and soft in front of them, it made him realize that these people should also know a part of him, something that they should know so that they become closer. He sighed and started while stuttering, “W-well, uhm. I…I used to be a soccer player…” his introduction got them surprised but in a good way and some even said that it was cool since most of them love playing soccer. “but I decided to give it up. At first, it was difficult to give it up because I trained for so long for that dream but then I suddenly realized… there is something that I love more than soccer and that’s singing.” He continued.

He shifted in his seat a little to face them all but kept his eyes on the ground while fumbling on his fingers. “I really did think of it a hundred times before I said it to my parents, and luckily… here I am. I actually had vocal lessons first outside the company, well it also took me years and I almost gave up too before. But I tried auditioning in our company and said to myself that if I won’t pass here, then maybe I should go back to being an athlete. My motto is ‘You would not know the result if you wouldn't try it.’, that’s why I keep on taking the risks.” Jongho is pouting whenever he pauses, and his members finds it adorable to see this side of him, yet he is oblivious of this since he isn’t looking at them.

“and… uh also…” he got more bashful to continue in front of them, for his next sentence, “When I came here, it was so difficult to dance. Don’t get me wrong though, I love performing but I am kind of a slow learner when it comes to dancing but thanks to…” he finally look at them and shyly continued his sentence, “to Y/N. She is the one who helped me a lot during those times that I can’t follow any of the lessons.”

He then looked down on the ground again and grab his lunch box so he could swallow a mouthful of his breakfast. Jongho never ever talked about Y/N to them because he knows that some of them or maybe even all of them already know his relationship with Y/N by now. He is shy but he is also afraid-thinking maybe some of them might think that his relationship will cause the group some trouble.

He felt a hand lay over his back and started to gently rub him. Startled a little, he looked at him and it was his Hongjoong hyung smiling at him. “Hyung…” he said softly.

“It’s okay, Jjongie. We’re glad we heard your story.” Hongjoong said.

“Lastly, I wanna say I’m happy I met you all. Well I never had a hyung, since I’m the firstborn in my family but… being the maknae here is a new feeling and I’m thankful at how you all take care of me… seriously.” Jongho said.

After eating, they rested for a while. When they all have rested well, Jongho asked his hyungs to play soccer, and so they did. They spent their Saturday morning like that and went home at lunch time.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back to your POV~  
> This is a long chapter
> 
> _____
> 
> Hello Reader!  
> I decided again to update 3 chapters this weekend (until Chapter 16),  
> I think you deserve it and Quarantine is getting boring, don't you feel it?  
> Don't be sick, okaaaaaay?
> 
> Ok here's a "fluff and angst" chapter for you!!

“C’mon, Jongho! Hurry up! Our flight is near!” you shouted running fast towards the plane as you pull your luggage. Jongho followed you as he pulls his black luggage too.

Inside the plane, you took the seat beside the window and Jongho’s seat is beside you. Luckily, your seat is assigned on a 2-seater because you can’t afford anyone to be with you and your boyfriend in a row, or for the possibility that others would witness how both of you could possibly be clingy to each other during the whole flight – you have become now more open to him but you still hate PDA.

You quickly made yourself comfortable at your seat by putting on a neck pillow, spreading a blanket and putting on the earpods that Jongho gave you as a Christmas present, while Jongho is still acting uncomfortable and restless.

“Still nervous?” you asked him which caught him off guard.

“Why would I be?” he answered trying to deny the fact, “I-It’s just an overseas trip, what could get worse?”

You chuckled at how he’s denying it, you leaned to him, teasing that you will kiss him. He flinched when your warm breath hit his cheek, so he faced you and shut his eyes, expecting a kiss from you. Instead, you pinched his cheeks and squealed softly on how you find him cute right now, “Damn, why are you so cute?” and Jongho blushed.

After all those problems you have encountered together, especially that confrontation which resulted for both of you becoming more honest with each other, slowly you chose to open up to him. Slowly, you started to be the one to initiate the sweet little gestures such as holding his hands, wrapping your arm around his waist and even the cuddles at your apartment whenever you get the chance when no one is around.

He also remembered the first time you called him “baby” and ever since that he’ll make fun of you when he remembers it. He’ll always say that he really loved it and why not make it a permanent endearment when it’s just the two of you in which you always answer with a glare. Also he still asks to call you by your name when it’s just the two of you.

__________________________________

Today, your plane is headed to L.A., you are headed to your home abroad, it’s really exciting after such a long time since you came to South Korea to study at a university and be a trainee. Since you weren’t able to spend your Christmas in L.A, your parents just asked you to rather spend the New Year’s Eve with them and that is what's making Jongho restless.

You have been giving hints to your parents that you would like them to meet someone in the future during your video calls which became more frequent as the holidays came around the corner. There had been this one exclusive video call that you had with your mom since your dad was kind of overreacting, well in a funny way, because this is the first time you will let them meet a special person to you – you never dated someone before. Your mom was more excited than your dad, because your dad is kind of worried, the typical protective dad instincts. Yet all these are not that serious since your parents give you more liberation than the typical Korean parents, eventhough they are Koreans too – they both studied and started your family in L.A.

During the recent Christmas season, you agreed to spend it with Jongho’s family in the province, which you enjoyed. His family is the typical Korean household; follows certain traditions and prepares the traditional foods. But even though they live in the province, since his dad is an average businessman, they are earning quite above the average families.

Since you grew up from a different environment and survived Seoul with your now – debuted friends, you never experienced or witnessed how a typical Korean family celebrates Christmas in Korea. In L.A, you spent Christmas with your family. People decorate their houses with Christmas lights and trees but in South Korea they don’t usually do it since most of the people live in apartments – usually decors are inside. You noticed for the past few years that it is usually spent either with a boyfriend/girlfriend or with friends. Gifts aren’t even required too unless you want to give one to your boyfriend/girlfriend. So you really have no idea how you will spend it with his family.

Jongho’s family welcomed you warmly, since they already heard a lot about you from Jongho, they are already quite comfortable with you. Being aware that gifts aren’t needed, still you presented a simple traditional gift for them as a sign of respect, since you are still aware of how elders should be treated well – that’s why you also don’t like Jongho dropping the formalities with you. Mrs. Choi said that they don’t usually celebrate it as a family but since Jongho will not be with them on New Year’s Eve, which they spent together traditionally, they’ll rather spend this year’s Christmas like this.

“Oh, I suddenly feel embarrassed. I’m sorry for that, Auntie…” you said politely to Jongho’s mom. You were together at the kitchen helping her finish the Christmas sponge cake she is preparing. You noticed how she looks young for her age and acts coolly, which seems like where Jongho got his cool personality. She is straight-forward and very wise, yet you can feel how warm she looks at you.

“Don’t be, Y/N. You’re no stranger to us though we just met today.” Then she brought out the whipped cream from the fridge. It was in a clear bowl container covered with a cling wrap which looks like she made it early in the morning. She noticed the amusement in your face. “Is it the first time you’ll be making this?” she asked with a warm smile on her face.

“Y-yeah. At home, we usually use the ready-made ones.” You confessed and she chuckled softly.  
In the evening, you spent a lovely dinner with his whole family. Jongho’s dad came just in time for the dinner, he looks sweet, warm and soft. He greeted you gracefully and reached for your hands for a handshake.

You loved how Jongho had his cute banters with his younger brother or how he blushes whenever your relationship with him is brought up during the dinner. His parents even confessed that they are glad Jongho dated you which they believe really helped Jongho as a person. You blushed at the compliment thinking if you deserve all these praises.

Damn. Why do we look like a couple preparing for a wedding?

You shrugged off that thought and just enjoyed what is happening since you’ll never know how long this happiness could last. Until now, your anxiety still attacks you. You looked and smiled at Jongho who is currently embarrassed by the childhood memories his parents are sharing to you. He gave you a bashful smile and then you squeezed his hand that is on the table.

__________________________________

“Baby…wake up.” you whispered at his ear. He got startled, probably still nervous, and when he looked at you, he sighed in relief.

“Are you really that nervous to meet my parents?” you chuckled as you fold your arms in front of you.

“Damn…” he covered his now red face with his hands, “stop reminding me of that.” his words are muffled.

“As if you can still get out of it, we’re literally landing now.” you scoffed, “Jongho, relax. They won’t judge you though.”

He slowly removed his hands on his face then you tipped his chin and angled it to face you, “actually they are excited to meet you! Haven’t I told you that already??” you giggled.

“I know, I know… but.. it’s just-” he let out a soft groan, “I can’t help it.”

“Well that’s unfair?” you answered, “I literally agreed to meet your parents though, and I met them… we actually agreed to meet both our parents, big baby.” you rolled your eyes.

“I should not have suggested this in the first place.” he regretted.

Yes, it was Jongho’s stupid but brave suggestion which, honestly, made you realize that he is serious about this relationship. It was that week, after the Saturday when the male trainees went to Han River, when you finally came back to KQ and continued your trainings. Your bruises were still healing that time and marks can still be seen so you’ve been wearing long sleeves the whole week to hide it. Wearing it doesn’t look weird cause it is appropriate with the current weather. Besides Hongjoong, who is the one who only knows what exactly happened to the two of you, some trainees still find it weird that both of you don’t look well physically. You even heard some concerned female trainees talking about the male trainees especially Jongho’s palms that has few bandages or how sometimes his body is aching after practices. Either it’s jealousy kicking in you, which you normally don’t feel, or your monthly period mood swings which made you badly irritated one day, you sure want to drag some insects out hovering around your man.

You saw a certain female trainee trying to flirt with Jongho at the vocal room, well it was subtle, but a female’s instinct is almost always accurate. The trainee was politely just asking for some advices about singing since Jongho is a sunbae compared to her, in which he casually helped her. You saw how the trainee’s eyes twinkled at him and how her voice’s pitch is higher than her usual conversation voice around him. You rolled your eyes and knocked on the door.

Both of them were startled at the sudden knock.

“Uhm it’s already my turn to use this room.” you said as you point on your non-existent wrist watch. “You two…out!”

The young trainee stood up immediately. “Hey, you newbie. You better practice the new dance routine or else…” and she went out of the room in an instant while bowing her head, scared at you.

“Hey, what’s with that aura, huh?” Jongho asked carefully, still sitting in front of the keyboard.

“What are you still doing here? She went off. Now, you too. Out!” you glared at him.

“You sure you don’t need help? Well I ca-”

“Out.” and he went out confused.

You kinda feel bad for behaving like that. Damn, how can I be so pathetic? As if he’ll get snatched easily. You thought as you are on your way to the pharmacy to buy some pads and pain killers for the Dysmenorrhea you have this month. After buying your monthly needs, you decided to buy him an Iced Americano as a peace offering. You sneaked your way to the vocal room to give it to him since it’s now his turn but your blood boiled again when you saw that he is with that trainee again. They were both singing and obviously Jongho is very meticulous to correct her from her slightest mistakes.

“Excuse me.” you cleared your throat as you knocked at the door again. They looked at you at the same time, the trainee got tense and obviously threatened by your presence while Jongho’s face suddenly lighted up when he saw you.

“Oh noona! What brought you here?” he asked nicely. His eyes trailed on the Iced Americano on your hand, “Is that for me?” he asked happily.

“EXCUSE ME?” you scoffed noticing that both of them clearly just finished their coffees from the same café. “Bold of you to assume that I really came here just to give you this? That I will buy you your favorite drink?! This. Is. Mine.”

“O-Okaay..” he said unconvinced.

“I-I just came here to collect this newbie.” you answered as you glare at the trainee who can’t meet your eyes, “Why is a trainee here when it’s our time for dance practice??”

“But… we-… I mean, I usually help her during this time with her vocals.. It’s been months already since she asked me t-…”

You breathed first, “ m-months?!”

“U-unnie…” the trainee whispered, “but we don’t have any dance pra-…”

“Well now we have, starting today. Since we’re having a hard time without a formal dance teacher for female trainees…and you are still lacking.”

“Hey, calm down. She’s still new.” Jongho said.

That night, you want to ride the bus ahead of Jongho but you still chose to wait for him. All throughout the bus ride, you gave him the cold shoulder. He asked you politely what’s wrong but you just kept on answering that you don’t want to talk about it and you’re really tired tonight. Even so, he still wanted to cuddle you but he respects you to give you some time.

As usual, he accompanied you to your apartment and helped you with your things. This is the first time you acted like this in front of him, you are so embarrassed but more of angry right now, you badly want to say sorry for acting like a brat, for being unreasonable yet bitterness still boils in you. You felt him wrap his arms around your waist, he’s giving you a warm backhug and he's resting his head on your neck. You shrugged him off and went to get a clear pouch from your bag.

“I need to go to the bathroom so…” you said as you mindlessly wave your hand holding the clear pouch.  
Jongho saw what’s in it and finally understood why you’re having those mood swings. Actually it was the first time you acted like that and surprisingly his worried feelings turned to an understanding one. It is very new for him but he chose not to make it as a big deal.

You finally went out of the bathroom, already showered and wearing your pajamas. He smiled at you and gestured you to sit beside him. You felt bad again for your behavior but you really just can’t maintain your composure for this month’s period. You seated beside him leaving a small space between but Jongho noticing it, he moved closer to you and wrapped his arm at your waist.

“Well, uhm...sorry…” you said without meeting his eyes.

“I understand.” you felt that he’s giving you an assuring smile, “but I’m still surprised… well it seems like we’re quits now."

You immediately looked at him and glared at him. He chuckled while that made him earn a soft hit from you.  
“Looks like you’re enjoying it, huh?” you scoffed.

“Well kinda…” he chuckled, “I just can’t believe that you will assume that I will fall for that trainee.”

You snorted, “Shut up. You didn’t even tell me that you've been teaching her for months already.”

“But that’s normal though? And… it’s just that we don’t practice together anymore…” his voice sounds sad, “listen, I’m just helping a trainee, nothing more.”

“so is that a reasonable excuse?” you rolled your eyes.

“damn, I can’t believe your hormones could really affect you like that.”

“I know that she likes you.”

“So? Do I like her?”

You know exactly that you’re being unreasonable right now, but your hormones just kept on messing with you. Bitterness just kept on controlling you even though it’s very clear to you that he never did something to make you feel insecure. You felt a muscle cramp forming again near your tummy so you reached out for your bag, which he helped you after noticing the discomfort in your face, and pull out a paper bag with a lot of pain killers for muscle pain and for Dysmenorrhea.

He went to the kitchen immediately and went back with a glass of water.

“T-thanks…” you took a tablet and drink the water.

“I think you should rest now.”

“Jongho…” you said almost soundless.

“hmm?”

“Please don’t get angry with what I’m about to say to you.” His forehead burrowed and his face is now painted with worry.

“What is it?”

“Have you considered…breaking up with me?” your heart hammering so bad in your chest. He just looked at you, his eyes widened then they turned soft.

“If your concern is the same as before, like people watching us. Y/N, listen. I am even willing to meet your parents abroad just to show you that there’s no way I’m taking this relationship as a joke, or a temporary one.”

“Okay…well then.”

__________________________________

In the cab going to your village, Jongho is amused at how different the houses looks in L.A compared to South Korea. You saw his eyes trailed at every building the cab passes by, his mouth pouted as he silently adores your city.

It’s snowing but just enough to have a stroll outside. As the cab enters your village, you felt nostalgic as you see the village covered in white snow, houses decorated with Christmas wreaths, snowmen, and lanterns. Some kids are having snowball fights outside their houses. It’s been years since you last saw these with your own eyes, the weather isn’t different from South Korea yet you really missed feeling at home.

“Hey, you okay?” Jongho’s voice is worried, he reached out for you as he noticed that your eyes are becoming teary.

“It’s fine, I’m fine.” you smiled at him, “I’m just so happy that I’m back.”

When the cab finally stopped in front of your house’s lawn, you hopped out immediately as you pay for the cab’s fee. Jongho volunteered bringing both luggages into your house. He struggled a bit as he carried them one by one to the doorway, being careful not to slip on the icy asphalts. When he finished, you clung your arm to one of his arms and he got startled at your gesture.

“Ready?” you pull him closer to you and put your other hand on his free hand. Then you tip-toed and leaned to kiss his cheeks.

“Y-yeah?” he blushed.

You click the doorbell.

You heard a couple of footsteps rushing to the door and then it stopped. When the door opened, your mom welcomed you and Jongho with a big hug, while your dad is by the door smiling warmly. She hugged you two at the same time. Jongho was startled by the unfamiliar gesture from an elder. When your mom released the two of you, she then turned to face you and gave you more hugs and kisses.

“Oh, our lovely Y/N. It’s been years, my baby! We missed you so much. How is it that you have lost a lot of weight?!” your mom said in between her hugs and kisses. Then she faced Jongho, ready to hug him too.  
“Hey, Mom.” you chuckled, “He’s not used to it.”

Jongho then immediately bowed in 90 degrees, “Nice meeting you, Ma’am.”

Your mom giggled and you also saw your dad amused quietly at the back.

“That’s too respectful of you, Jongho-ya. It’s alright, it’s alright.”

When Jongho heard it, he then straightened up and immediately bowed the same way to your dad, “N-nice meeting you, sir.”

“Well, it’s nice seeing you too, Jongho.” your father smiled as he reach out for a handshake.

“J-jongho.” you whispered at him, he looked at you at the corner of his eyes, and saw you pointing out your index to the direction of your dad's hand.

“O-oh..” Jongho realizing it well, straightened up and took your dad's hand for a handshake while his other hand is beneath his wrist, supporting his hand that’s shaking your dad’s – the typical Korean way of a respectful handshake.

Your parents prepared your room well, it was still the same room you had 6 years ago, except that the room doesn’t smell like you anymore. It still smells pleasant since it seems like your mom sprayed some floral scent before you arrived. Everything is in order, even your album collections are still there, untouched.

They told you that it’s alright with them that Jongho will sleep at your room since you don’t have any guest rooms. They also feel bad if they’ll make him sleep at the living room when he came here all the way from South Korea. They even prepared a mattress beside your bed, in case you won’t like to sleep with him on the same bed – which you don't really like.

No. Not that you don’t like it but you don’t like that kind of relationship yet. You still don’t tolerate that kind of closeness even after all those simple make outs. Clearly your parents, especially your mom, don’t have the mindset of the typical Korean parents.

Earlier that afternoon, when Jongho and your dad slowly get along while watching a holiday football game in the living room, You and your mom prepared some snacks. She nudged you with her elbow while grinning, “Didn’t know your boyfriend’s gonna be this good-looking, Y/N-ah.”

“Mom! Stop teasing me.” you rolled your eyes as you reach out for a bowl to where you’ll pour the nachos into.

“Y’know we don’t really mind about the traditions and other stuffs but baby, we don’t mind him staying at your room tonight.” your Mom winked which made you grimace at her.

“Mom!” you whined loudly which made your mom laughed out loud.

“Hey, everything’s alright there in the kitchen?” you overheard your dad from the living room.

“Oh, it’s nothing honey!” your mom answered him in a high pitched tone, purposely doing it, so that whatever she will say next will be really heard throughout the house. “I’m just advising our lil’ gal here to behave well tonight since we allowed Jongho to sleep at her room for the rest of his stay here.”

You heard Jongho let out a choked surprised sound. You can really imagine how embarrassed he was and how red his face is getting now. You are starting to regret dragging him along with you and maybe how uncomfortable he is right now.

__________________________________

That night at your room, you are sitting at your bed while facing Jongho, who is sitting at the mattress below. Lights off but your side table lamp is on, just like your usual set up at your apartment. You apologize to Jongho for how your parents are behaving and making him uncomfortable. He laughed softly and said it was honestly surprising but he enjoys it.

“Enjoy? You sure?” you pouted.

“Well, I’m in a foreign country, it’s understandable.” He smiled sweetly at you. You leaned forward to reach for his cheeks. You pinched them and he whined at the pressure.

“You’re so cute. I mean it.” Then you cupped his face in your palms. He tilted his head to one side, gently rubbing his cheek to your palm like a cat, while looking at you with puppy eyes.

“Can I cuddle you?” He asked carefully.

You moved towards the other side of your bed making a space for him and patted that part. Jongho gladly made himself comfortable at your bed, he lean his back to your bed rest, arms wide open, he asked you to sit beside him. He wrapped his arm around your shoulders as you lean on his chest, you inhaled his sweet and warm natural aroma. His other hand wrapped you as well and hugged you tightly.

“Damn, I never thought something like this can happen to us, this meeting-the-parents thing.” He shrugged.

“Who do you think needs to be blamed for it?” you teased.

He hugged you more then loosen it. Both of you are facing the window beside your bed, looking at the bright moon in the pitch black sky. You stayed like that for a while until he felt you shiver a bit. You don’t even need to ask him for a blanket for he was already reaching out for one, opening it and spreading it over just enough to cover the two of you.

“Jongho,”

“Hmm?”

“I love you.”

He looked at you in confusion, it’s not that he don’t believe you, it’s just that you confessing your love for him out of the blue is unusual, but he loves it.

“I love you too.”

“I love you more.”

“I don’t think so. I love you more than you do.”

“Why are we being so cheesy?” you scoffed.

“Well, who started confessing out of the blue?” he scoffed too.

“But I mean it.”

Leaning closer to him, as you nuzzle your nose to his chest, “I really love you so much.” you felt his heartbeat rising up and you chuckled.

“And why are you laughing now??!”

“It’s just that, you, keeping it always cool but your heart can’t really lie. I can feel you.” you said in between your giggles.

“Then feel it.” he hugged you tightly again. You laughed but not loud enough to be heard outside, as you try to escape his prison-like arms.

You were just able to loosen it when you decided to tickle his sides. He flinched harshly, “Ah!”

You further giggled at his cuteness. “Didn’t know you were ticklish there.”

He grab you towards him, “Think you can just leave my side like that?”, then hugged you again tightly, “pun intended.”

“Stop it, oh you!” as you try to escape his arms again.

You were able to push him and make him lay his back flat on your bed. You leaned over him, elbow supporting your weight, and face near each other. You smiled at him warmly as you adore his face. You brushed his hair lightly with your hand.

“I love you. Always remember that.” you confessed again. You can barely see the color of his skin as the moonlight shines over his face but you’re sure he is blushing. You further appreciated his face by trailing your index finger from his forehead to his temples, “I feel sorry for not being able to reciprocate your affections for me whenever you show them.”

Jongho kept silent as he listens & watch you adoring him. You lift your index finger and then started trailing from his forehead down to his nose. “What are you doing??” he asked while laughing.

You smiled, removed your index and, “boop!” you boop-ed his nose. He was surprised then he laughed again.  
“I really love the shape of your nose. It is one of my favorite details of your face.” you giggled, “I’ve been dying to do that to you ever since I knew that I like you.” then your face slowly looked down.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“It’s just that I’m really happy right now. No one watching us, no one judging us, no restrictions…” you paused. You tipped his chin up and gave him a peck. “Wish it will always be like this.”

“Is there something you want to talk about? I’ll always lend my ears to you, noona.” he scooped up himself to rest his back against your head board again while you adjust for him by sitting.

“I now agree you calling me with my first name-…” his eyes widened and excitement rushed through him immediately, cutting you off.

“Really?!”

You raised your hand gesturing him to stay calm, “Only. When. It’s. Just. The. Two. Of. Us… clear?” and he nodded excitedly.

“May I kiss you, Y/N?” you’ve been kissing and giving him pecks all the way to L.A. but hearing him asking you it with your first name make you blushed. You avoided his eyes but then you sighed and look at him straight in the eye again. You gave him an assuring nod shyly. He crawled a little bit to reach you then he kissed you. Of course, this isn’t your first kiss between the two of you but there’s something about it which makes it more special, more genuine and more liberated. You leaned closer to him and wrap your arms on his neck making the kiss more passionate, feeling each others breathe. He held you gently around your waist. You make out for a few more minutes until you decided to break the kiss, making him following your trace. Both of you were panting and started giggling.

“W-well… that’s kinda hot.” he confessed.

“And it’s only until there.” you told him.

“Bu-…” you cut him off with your index finger.

“Baby, we promised not to do anything that could bring us into trouble, right?”

He whined childishly.

“I can’t afford to let your dreams crash.”

“Are we going to talk about that again?” he stopped whining and asked calmly with a hint of worry.

“Listen, baby.” he kept on blushing as he keeps on hearing your endearment for him, “I am becoming more honest, you see. Like what I promised, and I would love to discuss about my concerns with you from now on. Do you-…”

He sighed, “Yes… I understand, Y/N.” He slowly lay down and pat your side, gesturing you to discuss it while lying.

You followed him and lean closer to him. He laid down on his side and wrap his right hand to hug you.

“I’m… still..” a lump is forming on your throat, “I’m still thinking of leaving the company.” you said softly. You felt him tense up but he stayed quiet, not removing his hand over you. “but I'm not saying that I would just leave, IF EVER…what I’m saying is that, as long as nothing happens, that will be my last resort.”

He started to caress your hair slowly just like how he always does. You looked up to see his reaction for he was still silent. You saw him just staring to the window, probably thinking what to say.

“Please…don’t be angry with me.”

“No, I am not.”

“Really?”

“Well, it still hurts to think about you not being there with me for the rest of the years, if ever...”

“I can’t afford to imagine it too. I’m sorry.” you curled your hands in front of his chest and indulge his heat around you.

“May I know why? At least, make me understand it more.”

“I have been thinking about it before – about giving up on this dream, even before I met you. It’s not because of us, okay? I just want to make it clear to you. It’s really exhausting like what I told you before. I have lost my trust and hopes for the company too when it comes to my debut. I don’t want to join any other company too.” This time you felt that the heavy lump is already gone and you can comfortably opened up the topic with Jongho.

“Continue, baby. I’m listening.” He said and kissed your forehead. Your heart skipped a beat as he also used the endearment to you making you blush under his warmth.

“I would like to start a new journey if this decision is the only one left for me to choose.” You said carefully. Jongho didn’t answered immediately. You heard him sigh for a few times.

“Then what will be that new journey?” his asked calmly.

“I would like to shift to Dance Major Course.” you hesitated before you continue, “but that means I would move to another university.”

“Why don’t we enroll on the same university then” he suggested.

“I… I would like… If… I would shift here.” again he tensed. You looked at him, being worried about his reaction this time, and saw him still eyes staring at the window but this time his jaws are clenched tightly. His hand caressing your hair didn’t changed its pace but his hug tightens.

“Why? Make me understand it and I’ll slowly try to accept it.” His voice cracked.

“Jongho…” you feel guilty again. You felt like you want to run away from him for being too harsh again towards him. You hated yourself that at one time, you were all vanilla but now ending up being like this again. It hurts whenever you know that you hurt him with your decisions when all he does was understand you, take care of you, cheer you up and even to the point that he want to prove himself to you by meeting your parents – plus you meeting his parents that made you both official.

You release your left arm and hugged him too. You burrowed your face in his chest hiding your tears. When you finally calm down, you explained. “All I have now in that country are painful memories.”

“Am I-” you shushed him before he breakdown.

“Baby, no, you’re not. In fact, you’re one of the fewest people that gave color in my life while I struggle there. You are the most precious treasure that I ever found in my journey there. You are the love of my life, and all I want for you is success. I hope you will also understand that part of my heart. It will also be too difficult for me, if ever…”

You two become silent again for a few more minutes until Jongho broke the silence with his story.  
“Y’know what? When I was a child, I dreamed of becoming a soccer player. Then when I was in middle school, I started training to become a soccer player someday, but one day, I realized there is something more that I would rather be deep inside my heart. It was too difficult for me to leave behind my athlete self for I have trained for so many years, just like you. It also took me a lot of courage to be true to myself, I even doubted myself. When I entered the company, I am still doubtful of myself even though I already receive some lessons outside. I love performing but it wasn’t just my forte.” He became silent again. You waited for him until he continued again.

“Remember when you initiated to teach me the dance routine that made me stay late?"

“Uh-huh.” you hummed.

“I genuinely felt your faith in me, that I could improve, that this boy will someday debut as an idol.”

He pulled away a little so he can see you well and you looked up at him, both of you still hugging each other. “Perhaps, it’s time for me to put my faith in you too, right? Well, if ever…” he gave you an assuring smile then he pulled you again into his chest. You also hugged him tightly and burrowed your face on his chest again.

“Goodnight, Jongho.” you mumbled.

“Goodnight, Y/N.” and he hum again to make you fall asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We have now reached this chapter!  
> Soon this story will end ㅠㅠ  
> But it is too early to assume what the ending would be!!
> 
> Any idea how it will end?
> 
> Soon more long chapters will be updated!  
> What could be Y/N's thoughts now?  
> How about Jongho?  
> Lastly, angst, angst and ANGST!!!!!!
> 
> _______
> 
> Hi again reader!
> 
> Can I share you a TMI?
> 
> Supposed to be, I shouldn't be delaying some updates but something happened, I have proofread this story for about 2-3 times + asked someone to proofread this + proofread it again (I know it's still lacking, but yeah English isn't my mother tongue) and saved it,
> 
> BUT then... I ACCIDENTALLY OVERWRITTEN ANOTHER STORY OVER THIS STORY'S DOCUMENT! orz
> 
> Thank goodness my proofreader still got her copy and sent me then I proofread again. TRAGIC. Ik ik!


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is long, that's all

The first day with your family is warm and enjoyable, well according to Jongho, he said he enjoyed it despite being culture shocked by how your parents behave. There are still four days before New Year here in L.A while there are just 3 days left for South Korea, time passes faster there than here, and you like it that way – you want to spend more time with your parents and with Jongho before this year ends.

The second day, your family together with Jongho started the day with a brunch on your parents favorite brunch resto. You missed the American dishes a lot and that day you made sure to order your favorite brunch meal and desserts. It was a very nice brunch, Your mom shared some of your childhood moments which made you embarrassed.

“Y/N, do you still remember when you came to me running and told me to look at the chocolates you saw from the lawn?”

“Ugh! Mom, not that one! Ugh! We’re eating brunch right now. Oh my god.” you shook your head but your mom still continued ignoring your complains.

“Y’know what it was, Jongho? It was the neighbor’s dog's poop!!” she said giggling which made Jongho laughed too.

“Oh no, you ain’t enjoying this. Please.” you scoffed at Jongho

__________________________________

Your family planned to enjoy the rest of the day at one of the ice skating rinks in the city. It was the same ice skating rink where you and your family always spend your holidays.

“Spend your day together like we’re not here okay? It’s goin’ to be a double date, my loves!” Your Mom giggled as she grab and cling to your Dad’s arm. She smiled at him, and so your Dad too. You noticed the wrinkles forming on the corner of their eyes – you find them truly beautiful.

Jongho wrapped his arm on your shoulders which startled you, but you chose not to shrug him off eventhough it is very embarrassing for you because he did it in front of your parents.

“Sure, ma'am! We’ll enjoy this day, don’t worry!” then you noticed your dad sending some subtle signals to Jongho. Jongho seems to understood it and just smiled shyly to him. “Please enjoy yourselves too.” and your parents headed to a not so far part of the rink.

“Uh, what was that?” you asked him as you both put on your ice skating shoes.

“What?” he asked, not focusing too much on your question.

“That? You and Dad?”

“Oh.” was all he said

“Jongho.”

“Y/N.”

“Are you making fun of me again?” you scoffed.

He chuckled, “Hey, it isn’t that serious. Chill. Well… it’s serious but nothing really for you to worry.”

“But I wanna know it. Did he tell you something? Did he make fun of you? Or did he asked you to do something? I really wanna know, Mom has been freaking you out since day 1 and I’m worried if Dad is also doing something to freak you out.” you pouted.

He chuckled again, “Well I never told you that they freaked me out though? Again, chill.” Both of you finished tying your shoes. He stood up first and stretched out his hands towards you that he may help you stand up.  
“C’mon, tell me.” you whined as he help you stand up. “I can’t be calmed, you know? I-I’m getting protective over you.” You blushed. “This is the first time I let them meet you and-"

“Shhh.” he hushed. “Y/N, you’re the one freaking out.”

“Yeah yeah, I know.” you rolled your eyes.

“Listen, your parents are totally fine to me. I’m starting to love them, okay? Don’t worry, there’s no need to freak out.” Then he held your hands. His hands are not that warm yet it made your hands warmer, thanks to the knitted gloves your Mom made overnight for the two of you.

“Jongho, I’m acting weird, right?”

“Yeah.” he laughed this time, “and I don’t know why.”

“But can you just tell it to me too? We promised to be honest with each other.”

“Okay, how can I keep my mouth shut if you pull that card?”

“Yey! So what is it?”

“Later.” he teased, “Why don’t we start skating now?”

Nostalgia hits you and a smile painted your face, it has been a very long time since you step on this icy floor, smelled the same cold breeze and heard how some first timers find it very difficult to balance.

“Oh…”

“Why?”

“It’s been a very long time since I've done this, I kinda forgot how to find my balance, I’m scared.” you bit your lower lip.

“but we have this in South Korea too, you never tried during your holiday day offs?” he asked and you just answered him by shaking your head.

“Then cling closer to me, we can start slowly. I’ll guide you.” he slowly pulled you and guided you until both of you reach the center. It isn’t that crowded in this rink compared to some known ice-skating rink in the city that’s why your family always choose this place. Along the way, you slipped for a few times but Jongho was able to hold you to prevent you from falling.

“Oh god!” you gasped.

“It’s cute everytime you depend on me.” he said which you don’t know if he’s either teasing or complimenting you.

“Watch me once I get hold of my balance again, kiddo.”

“Kiddo?!” then he teased you by releasing your hands from his grasps.

“H-hey!”

“Sounds like you don’t need this kiddo anymore.”

“N-no! I’m just kidding!” then he hold you again while laughing.

You both slowly stride on the ice. After a few minutes you started to grasp how to glide smoothly again and eventually you two are in sync on the ice. You loved how Jongho’s honey skin glistens whenever the sunlight hits it yet his cheeks also blushed due to the cold breeze. He will snatch some pecks on your cheeks and will quickly stride away from you in order to tease you. Whenever you catch him, you tickle him which he counteracts by trying to hold your hands and pulling you towards his chest.

“What if I kiss you on your lips here?”

“Don’t you dare or I’ll kick you where you won’t like it.”

His eyes widened and he just laughed awkwardly. “I-I’ll stop, ha..hahah..ha. Just not that.”

“Hey, you haven’t told me yet what my dad told you.” you said as you pinch his cheeks

“Oh sorry, I just can’t control myself. Your cheeks are really cute.”

He smiled after hearing your words, “Okay okay, well we had a short conversation a while ago after we had our brunch.”

While talking, he slowly turned you so that your back is facing him and gave you a back hug. “Would you mind if I talk to you like this? I just wanna hold you tight everytime.”

His warm breathe hitting your neck made you skip a heartbeat, “Of course, sure.”

He snuggle his face to the corner of your neck and shoulder then you cupped his cheek as a response.

“Well… he told me that he is thankful and happy today.” That moment you saw your parents still enjoying theirselves on the ice at the other part of the rink. The sight made you more emotional as you listen to Jongho, “He said to me that he is thankful that he finally met us. He really did miss you and…” he stopped as he noticed tears forming in the corners of your eyes when he looked up to see your reaction.

“It’s okay, baby, continue.” you assured him.

“He always tries to understand your struggles as a trainee in South Korea and he will always support your dreams.” your tears finally streamed down your cheeks but you kept yourself composed. Jongho kissed your cheek, ignoring the tears, and you gave him a smile. “and lastly, he told me that it was very difficult for you to trust people but knowing that you finally opened up to someone, which he meant dating me, he is happy that you won’t feel alone anymore abroad.”

“Damn… we should be enjoying ourselves, but I’m here, being emotional again.” you slowly turned to face him.

“It’s alright, Y/N. It’s not a bad thing to be honest.” he comforted you as he rub his thumbs on your cheeks and cupped your face in his hands. “He also told me that he trusts me and he hopes I won’t hurt you.” he chuckled, “and of course, I promised him that I won’t.”

You chuckled and smiled. You also cupped his cold face, “Want some hot street food? I saw a Korean stall near here, let’s try and check if it tastes exactly like the original!”  
“Sure! Let’s buy some for them too.”

__________________________________

“Y/N, come closer to Uncle you-…”

“Dad. You can just call me Dad too.” your dad encouraged Jongho, who is obviously surprised – well all of you were.

“Dad?! Isn’t it too early for that?” you complained warily, “Please, can you just let my boyfriend relax? We literally have been a couple for only a year?!”

“Okay, if Y/N’s dad approves, then you may also call me Mom starting today!” your mom said

  
“Oh my God?! Not you too?” you turned in front to check on Jongho, who was still checking the camera angle awkwardly, cheeks blushing and hands trembling.

“Uhm…” he tried to find his words.

“Jongho, please don’t be pressured. My parents are just messing with you, okay? Call them Uncle and Auntie if you’re more comfortable that way.”

“But Y/N, there’s nothing wrong with that? Jongho is already a part of our fam-”

You hushed your Mom as you freak out. Totally more embarrassed than Jongho, “Can we just finish this? Let him take our family photo?”

“Well Jongho’s gonna be a part of this family in t-” your Dad tried to win over you too but you were able to cut him off.

“He’s just 18.” You said, emphasizing on his age, “Please…"

You all gathered at the front yard, guided by Jongho and with his photography skills, your family picture was taken. You took another family photo but this time with Jongho which is a request from your Mom. Jongho was just quiet and awkward the whole time unless your parents says something in which he never fails to bow politely and agrees. You were getting more worried about him but you also felt this awkwardness to approach him.

After that you all went inside, Jongho helped your dad put enough woods on the fireplace while you help your mom in the kitchen.

“Y/N…” your mom started the conversation as she prepare the coffee machine, “What’s wrong? We just want Jongho to be more comfortable, you know?”

“But Mom,” you sighed, “you guys are freaking him out.”

“You are the one who is freaking him out.” your mom pointed out.

“I just don’t want him to feel pressured or overwhelmed. He is still young and the way you guys are acting? As if we’re a couple preparing to get married.” you said while putting out the freshly baked loaf from the oven placing them on the chopping board.

“I don’t understand the importance of you emphasizing his age though? Both of you are of legal age”

“Well, here but in South Korea, he isn’t even 20? Just imagine what will people think of me for putting him in this situation.” you said as you start to slice the loaf.

“I still don’t get your point, my dear.” she said as she pour water onto the coffee machine, “I don’t see anything wrong about your relationship.”

“I...I just want to protect him.” you blatantly reasoned out.

“Protect from what? From us?” she asked while pouring coffee beans now into the coffee machine.

You also don’t understand yourself right now, you too don’t see why you are suddenly being moody and anxious when it’s not even that time of the month. You sighed and looked at your mom directly into her eyes, “Mom, I don’t know why I’m being like this too. Do you think I hurt his pride a while ago?” then you put the sliced loaves on the plate.

“Yeah, I think so? Maybe?” she sat on the chair and gestured you to come and take a seat too. She glanced at the living room first, where your dad and Jongho are now playing chess, then she faced you again. “Tell me, what is it that really bothers you with your relationship with him?”

You paused for a few minutes, finding the right words to begin with, “Well… there’s a lot. You see he is a good boyfriend, I honestly can’t ask anything anymore from him except the fact that we need to hide it from our company. I just feel anxious, maybe because I’m awkward about this thing? You and Dad know that I’m really a shy person right? He is literally my first ever boyfriend and I honestly still don’t know how this relationship goes?”

Your mom tried to calm you as she noticed that you are starting to freak out again, she put her hand on your hand that is resting on the table and smiled, “Baby, life is full of first times. Even us, when you came into our lives, as much as we want to be the perfect parents for you, we still commit mistakes and awkward moments since everyday is a new thing for us. Being too protective or cautious about the people around you and Jongho is pretty normal but don’t let it bother you so much.”

You smiled as her words really gave you some enlightenment yet your worries are still there, “but we’re different… Ours is a secret and… the industry we are about to enter don’t just work like as this. We are bounded by limitations and must maintain a spotless record, I just feel like… I don’t want to give him more burden as he reach for his dreams.”

“Just his dreams?” your mom tilted her head slightly in confusion.

“Well, we talked about it before, right?”

“But it isn’t final yet, you’re still there, my dear. Just keep on going.”

“But what if?”

The coffee machine stopped, signaling that coffee is ready, your mom was about to stand but you do it instead. She just watched as you pour coffee on the mugs.

“So what do you think you shall do in order not to burden him?” she asked carefully and with a hint of worry in her tone, as if she already knows what you are going to answer, “He has come a long way, my dear. And I can see in your eyes that what you feel for him is genuine. Same thing goes from him.”

You bit your lower lip as a foolish option bothers your mind. You don’t like it, you find it foolish and you try to shrug it. You have been thinking about it for some time already, even when you are happy with him, and you hated yourself again for even considering it.

“I should think about this thoroughly, Mom.”

“Yes. You should.” Your mom finally stood up and called them, “Guys, let’s have our brunch!”

__________________________________

You and Jongho arrived safely on a winter-themed museum in New York. Your parents gave you 2 tickets, which is their surprise and gift for both of you, after the tasty brunch you all had a while ago. It looks like a bad timing for the tension building among you and Jongho but you still considered it as a good timing to clear the issue earlier. It was Jongho who encouraged you to go to the museum when you said that maybe it’s not a good thing to go out today, he encouraged you and even gave thanks to your parents.

He is still quiet as he was during the ride, he brought his camera with him and just spent the whole time taking photos of the city during the ride as you drive your dad’s car, if not for the songs playing from the radio, the whole ride would really be awkward.

He took the lead in the museum, both of you are amused by the paintings, ice sculptures and crafts displayed. He will just casually say that the painting is beautiful, the sculptures are well-detailed or the crafts would be more appreciated if they will allow the viewers to touch it. You just casually smile and agrees with him. He will take photos of them and you just watch him enjoy himself as he checks the shots he made.

He would take photos of you while you aren’t looking and you are completely aware of it but you just let him. You initiate to hold his hand as you walk to the different parts of the museum and he will casually hold your hands firmly too yet the tension is still there.

Among all the works that are presented, a snow flake ice sculpture located near the exit caught Jongho’s attention. He took the longest time there by looking at it silently and taking photos of it. It wasn’t really a special one because a lot of it was presented all over the museum and it confuses you why he got amused by it, of course you just let him take his time. When he finished, he told you that he is hungry and why not have some hot chocolate and waffles to a near waffle store outside the museum, again you just agreed. You are confused by his sweet tooth today but because you are also getting hungry, you just let him.

Jongho broke the silence by saying, “All works presented there are beautiful but that one is the prettiest.”

You swallowed first what you are chewing and took a sip from the hot choco which is now becoming warm, “which one?”

“That one snow flake ice sculpture.” He answered smiling to you which is the warmest smile you saw from him today.

“May I know why you found it the prettiest?”

“It isn’t special, it isn’t even different from all the snow flake sculptures there but what differs it among them is its location.” He paused and took a sip from his cup then continued, “You see, it is located near the exit, where no one will focus on it because it’s just identical with the others. That’s how a normal person would see it, but for me? It is the prettiest.” He paused again and took a large bite on his waffle. You then continued to eat your waffle too.

In your mind, you want to apologize to him and still thinking how to insert it in the topic. Again, you felt like it’s a wrong timing again since he is in the mood of appreciating the museum. You are amused on how he was still able to enjoy it despite the tension between the two of you. You remember that he still tried to be the person who initiates the whole time, except for holding your hand or any kind of touchy-feeling during the whole museum experience. Actually, you also enjoyed it but to consider one as a date is very far, it was more like a trip of two casual friends which makes you regret for ruining the mood this morning.

You chewed your waffle slowly and your eyes just focused on your warm choco until Jongho broke the silence again, “The ice sculptures are all detailed, I really do appreciate it. Again, the snow flake near the exit is my favorite.”

You look up to him, “I’m glad you enjoyed it.”

“How about you? Did you enjoyed it? What is your favorite work there?” he asked enthusiastically.

It took you a few seconds before you answer, you know that he just want to break the silence or just encourage you to speak, maybe to distract each other from the tension and you are starting to hate yourself for being pathetic.

“N-none… I was too focused on you.” You noticed that somehow his expression changed but he is still trying to put up a smile on his face. “I enjoyed it but I really can’t focus. I-I’m sorry for ruining the mood this morning.” you just decided to be honest and let it out.

Jongho didn’t respond immediately and just finish his waffle first and drink from his cup, “The ice sculptures are well-made, surely the artist gave all effort just to create each one of them, but there’s one thing that is saddening.

“What?” you chose not to look at his eyes and just continue chewing and taking a bite from your almost finished waffle. You ate it as if it is tasteless despite the sweetness and spice of the cinnamon flavor.

“They will all just melt away after the presentation.”

“Jongho, I want us to talk about a while ago.”

“Please, hear me out first.” he pleaded.

“What do you mean by all of these?”

“I know you are anxious, Y/N. Just like that snowflake sculpture, our relationship is just like what the other people have. It is not special, it isn’t the spotlight of the world yet both of us exerted effort to have this, to make it beautiful.”

You decided to look up to him and just listen to his words.

“Our time together as trainees will soon change, we don’t have enough time as day goes by.”

“Just like when the sculptures melts away.” you whispered to yourself.

“I might be still young to your eyes, I believe that somehow I still look like that for you but for me you are not just a noona. You are my friend, my closest friend. You are my girlfriend, my love. You are my woman.” he reaches out to you to hold your hands, “I might still be young but I am mature enough to know my feelings for you.”

“Jongho, I’m really really sorry for hurting your pride. I was too insensitive. I was getting more anxious as days goes by.”

“Don’t worry. Please, stop worrying and let’s just have fun! Let’s enjoy while we still can. We will debut together.”

“O-Okay…” you answered with no confidence. It made him look more worried but he still let you feel assured that everything will be okay.

That evening, on your way home, Jongho saw a retro-themed souvenir shop along the way and pleaded if it’s okay to stop by. You agreed and it really made him happy.

“My mom loves collecting small meaningful things from different countries. It’s my dad that bought her these small gifts whenever he has business affairs abroad. I would love to buy something for my family.” He thoroughly checked every corner of the shop.

“I would love to buy some gifts too for my parents, and of course for your family too.” you said.  
After almost 30 minutes, you two gather the items you want to buy and paid them and eventually go home.

__________________________________

The Time Square was crowded and your family just had your dinner before the New Year’s Eve. It was your dad's idea to welcome the New Year there because first, your neighborhood doesn’t allow fireworks display unless done by a professional and second, he wanted Jongho to experience this kind of New Year celebration. You have seen that your Dad was really smiling a lot since the day you came with Jongho, either it is because you finally visited them or he was really getting fond of Jongho being around.

You too can’t deny it to yourself, indeed your parents really welcomed, took care and made Jongho comfortable here. You admit to yourself that they really made this vacation wonderful and hopes that Jongho will not forget these experiences.

The people started to gather in the middle; families, group of friends and couples. Your Dad wrapped his arms on your mom's waist and kissed her cheek which made your mom giggle. You loved the sight of it. It became more crowded but there is still enough spaces for everyone’s personal spaces.

The countdown showed in the LED in one of the buildings started to show that there are now 10 seconds left. People started to count all together, “10!...9!...8!”

You held Jongho’s hand and held it too.

“7!...6!...5!...”

His grip tightened and he pull you closer to his side.

“4!...3!..2!”

You rest your head on his shoulder as both of you focuses on the night sky, anticipating for the firework display soon.

“1!”

Fireworks flew into the pitch black sky, bursting in different colors, looking like flowers blooming in the dome. Some people started to blow their horns while most of the people cheers.

You greeted Jongho a happy new year then cupped his face and lean to kiss him. You broke the kiss and smiled to him. He smiled mischievously then grabbed you by your waist which made you giggle. “Happy New Year,” he said and kissed you passionately.

It is surprising, it is embarrassing but you don’t care – even your parents might be seeing it by now. What matters to the two of you now, is to spend every moment to the fullest as long as you can.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly love how I wrote Y/N's family here, isn't she so lucky to have them?
> 
> ______
> 
> THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE UPDATED FOR NEXT WEEKEND. AND ME BEING A CLOWNTINY ACCIDENTALLY UPDATED IT TODAY... SMH... ANYWAYS... HIIIIING ENJOY.
> 
> This was supposed to be my note:
> 
> This chapter is kinda long but I chose to update this one only since chapter 18 shares the same feelings with ch.19 & the Epilogue.
> 
> and YES, NEXT WEEK will be the last update for this work!


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Starting here until the Epilogue, it will be in 3rd person
> 
> _____
> 
> I have decided to update the last 3 chapters in one day because these 3 chapters shares the same emotions.
> 
> You might just feel hanging if I update chapter 18 with chapter 17. LMAO I hope this makes sense (for those who are reading during the time that every chapter is being updated every weekends).

“Okay, again! Again!” Wooyoung shouts as he leads the male trainees on their dance routines.

“Can we have a short break?” Mingi whined.

“Have a break and I’ll break your legs.” Wooyoung answered.

“Ooh, scary.” San teased.

“What? I can’t even have a break?” Mingi complained.

“Guys, stop it. Let’s just have a short water break.” Hongjoong announced.

Jongho was about to go out when Seonghwa noticed him, “Where are you going? We still have enough water bottles here.”

“Oh. I need to pee?” his answer did not convinced Seonghwa though.

“Hey! Hey! Lover boy.” Wooyoung teased, “It’s just a water break. Where you think you are going?”

“Ah, hyung!” Jongho groaned.

“Hyung, my ass! Just visit her when we finish practicing.” Wooyoung whispered, “Want Hongjoong Hyung to scold you? He is moody these days.”

Jongho just sighed and just walked to where the water bottles are located. Yeosang gave him one and just laughed at him softly.

Today is Y/N’s birthday and Jongho is just restless on how to surprise his girlfriend. It wasn’t an extravagant surprise, he just wants to give her the necklace he bought last year just for this day.

There is already a new female dance teacher in the company which is why every female trainee is catching up and exerting more time in dance practices these days. Y/N’s schedule together with the trainees who have been there for a long time have been changed which made it difficult for them to meet often. Her new schedule just doesn’t match with his schedule so it made him miss her more.

Jongho is a really soft and emotional person but he thinks first before expressing them. There would really be times that he is just quietly practicing, times that he loves to joke around and times that his baby side shows around his Hyungs – besides he is still the youngest.

Hongjoong and Yunho knows that it’s Y/N’s birthday and are completely aware of Jongho’s restlessness. Today, he is more playful and soft, he would suddenly cuddle his Hyungs especially San and Wooyoung. He is more talkative these days and he also shared about his trip in L.A to Wooyoung, of course he didn’t shared the intimate moments, since their friendship already grew compared to last year.

“Ey. You two practically feel like a married couple!” Wooyoung said in a loud voice.

“Keep it down, Hyung!” he covered Wooyoung’s mouth. Wooyoung laughed so Jongho further tighten his grip to mule him. “I’ll get scolded by the other Hyungs!”

That night, the male trainees’ practice finished early, thanks to Wooyoung’s leading and Yunho’s patience, the dance routine was perfectly taught to all of them. For the last few months, Jongho doesn’t accompany Y/N to her apartment anymore, it was a mutual decision, but mostly a request from Y/N in order to further keep their relationship in secret.

Jongho is nervous and excited but he tried to hide it yet Hongjoong is fully aware of it. The boys went to their locker room and changed to their new clothes.

“Jongho, wanna ask me something?” Hongjoong blatantly asked and all of them can hear it.

  
“Well…hyung, I would like to ask for your permission. It's Y/N’s birthday.” Jongho said as he put on his clean shirt, “If it’s okay with you, may I accompany Y/N tonight to her apartment?”

Hongjoong hummed as he think.

“I won’t stay there. I’ll go home to our dorm immediately after I accompany her to her apartment safely.” Jongho defended.

“Well. Uhm…” Hongjoong looked at Seonghwa, as if he’s asking for his advice. Seonghwa gave him a worried look but he neither can’t decide. “Okay, but please, arrive at the dorm before 8 pm. That’s the latest. Don’t do anything that could cause us all trouble.”

Jongho’s heart almost leaped out of his chest from his Hyung’s answer, “Thank you!”

  
Since they finished early, he chose to just wait for Y/N at the coffee shop. He said to Y/N secretly to come to the café after her schedule when he saw her going to the bathroom. His phone isn’t with him because it’s a weekday so he struggled on contacting her. Sometimes, their manager allows them to use it at their dorm but this year they became more strict to their trainees.

Y/N misses Jongho but he misses her more. He just can’t help but be soft for her. Both of them were able to adjust with the difficulty of meeting each other. Their longings for each other made them more focused. They don’t just strive hard in their trainings, Y/N also became more focused on her finals in her sophomore year in the college of music while Jongho prepares to take a university exam this year.

Y/N went to the café as how they planned but what made it more difficult is the new female dance trainer. She also went to the café and stayed there for a long time. Jongho who was sitting near the window was seen by the trainer so he first greeted her politely. Y/N who chose to sit at a table far from them made herself busy by eating a slice of cake. It has been an hour when the trainer left. When both of them were sure that she is totally gone, they both immediately went out too.

“Woah, that was difficult.” Jongho sighed as both of you headed to the bus stop.

“That was too close! She’s just new but seems like she can recognize every trainee, even the males.” Y/N said. “Good thing Hongjoong allowed you to go out tonight?”

“Yeah, but I’m afraid I have no enough time anymore. He told me that I should be back there at 8 pm.” he whined. “Anyways, Happy Birthday!” then he quickly snatchs a kiss on Y/N’s cheeks.

“Thanks!”

On your way to the bus stop a familiar figure is also waiting there. Jongho squinted his eyes to recognize who it was.

“Shit!” Y/N blurted out. “That’s her! Oh my god, I forgot to tell you that she also goes home at this time and ride on the same bus stop!”

Both of you got worried, not knowing what to do to not make them both suspicious.

“Okay, we have no choice. Let’s just act like we come here casually. Let’s just not sit together. Besides, her stop is before mine, she will get off first.” Y/N suggested.

The ride was quite nerve-racking, the trainer both recognized them and they both greeted her politely. They sat far from each other and when she got off, they sat together.

“Damn, that’s really scary.” Jongho said and he finally wrap his arm on Y/N, just like how they usually do during their bus rides, “Oh, I have a gift for you. I’ll give it now, sorry for not being romantic, I can’t stay long tonight.”

Y/N chuckled, “It’s alright, you really need to follow Hongjoong though, I don’t want my boyfriend getting scolded by him.”

Jongho put out a slim rectangle box wrapped with a peach ribbon, “Open it! I want to witness your reaction.”

  
Y/N untied the ribbon and open the lid, a silver necklace with a snow flake pendant is inside, Jongho took it and put the necklace around Y/N’s neck.

“It’s wonderful! Thank you!” Y/N really loved the necklace and can’t hide the redness from her face.

  
“It looks perfectly fine on you.” Jongho continued to get amused. He would like to take a picture of Y/N wearing the necklace but his phone isn’t with him. Y/N offered hers and promised to send the photo to him on KKT. First, he took a photo of Y/N alone, second, they both took a couple of selfies to keep as a memory of celebrating Y/N’s birthday for the first time.

“Do you still remember when we celebrated my birthday last year?” Jongho asked as they walk towards Y/N’s apartment.

“Of course, I do. You were so aggressive that time.” Y/N teased.

“Aggressive?!” he scoffed

“You kept on kissing me that time. The day you confessed.” Y/N chuckle as she commemorates the memory.

  
“You also confessed, if I didn’t do that then you would never confess, you know.” he snorted.

“Funny that before that happened, I also asked for Hongjoong’s approval before I asked you to celebrate.”

The two finally reached the apartment, “Isn’t he like our parent if he keeps on doing that.”

“Yeah, he seems like it.” he chuckled, “Well then, I should go now, he might scold me together with Seonghwa hyung if I arrive later than 8pm.”

“Sure, baby. Goodbye, Thanks for the gift! Keep safe on your way home.” Y/N leaned for a kiss.

“Again, Happy Birthday! I love you.”

“I love you more.”

  
__________________________________

The new dance trainer is nosy but no one can deny that she is really a friendly and amazing trainer. Knowing that she is new, it is very understandable that she goes by the company rules and since the company became more strict, Jongho and Y/N became more careful than ever. By saying that, they rarely see each other anymore after her birthday, they will just snatch glances when they suddenly bump into each other in the hallways or message each other once Jongho have his phone back.

The café isn’t anymore a safe place for them to meet, the trainer also loves caffeine as they do. The bus stop is also not a place for them to be together and Jongho now go home directly to the dorm with his Hyungs.

They had an urgent meeting today in the company for all trainees but the female and male trainees had a separated schedule. Jongho chose not to focus on what the CEO is saying to them but there’s no way for him not to understand it.

“What I am saying is, this important rule isn’t new anymore to anyone of you and we all know what happens to those who disobeys against it. NO RELATIONSHIPS BETWEEN TRAINEES.” The CEO said.

The room was full of tension, this year they gained new male trainees too, and they are also present in the meeting. All male teachers are also present and their manager.

“Just this week, 2 trainees were caught cuddling with each other in the locker room. One of the female dance trainers accidentally caught them.”

Most of the older male trainees are just bowing their heads and looking at the table, of course no one is talking but Jongho is surely the most scared. He tried to recall if he did something to cause them trouble but he is sure that it isn’t the two of them. He knows that there’s no reason to be guilty for he is sure it’s not them. Yet he cannot help but be guilty because he still knows that they disobeyed that rule. He just stayed looking down on the table and fumbling his fingers.

The CEO announced the name of the male trainee, which made Jongho and the rest of 7 of them to calm down. It isn’t Jongho but one of the new male trainees. The said trainee was given a first offense since the act done was just light but he was deprived of any use of gadgets unless it’s vacation – lesser frequency of usage compared to them who can use their phones every weekends.

Those who aren’t accused were dismissed, leaving that one trainee and the trainers.

__________________________________

At the dorm that night, everyone is normal, well actually trying to be normal, except Jongho who is obviously still scared. That night, he justs answer shortly or nod whenever he is being asked during their ride to the dorm. Everyone is aware of it but no one wants to talk about it anymore.

Hongjoong, who usually always leads them with topics to talk about during their rides stayed quiet too, he also looks still scared and restless to the point that he kept on biting his fingernails and just nod when asked. Wooyoung, San, Mingi and Yunho end up watching a movie in the living room after ordering their dinner, they easily moved on from the effect of the meeting. Yeosang chose to stay inside his room and play with his drone. Jongho went to his room. He want to sleep but his restlessness make him to stay awake so he wore his earpods hoping some ballad songs will help to ease him. Lastly, Hongjoong and Seonghwa stayed in the Kitchen. Hongjoong was as restless as Jongho, everyone can feel it so they were being cautious of him knowing his mood swings these days. Maybe because he was tired or his lack of sleep but one thing is for sure, being the leader of their group means that they are all accountable to him.

Hongjoong drank two bottles of soju in order to refresh himself while he continue to revise some of his compositions in his laptop. Seonghwa just sits there to accompany him, he didn’t drink but he is just there to assure him that it is now alright and he doesn’t need to worry for them anymore, especially Jongho.

Hongjoong isn’t angry, well kind of disappointed, but he never wants to blame anyone. He doesn’t want to have grudges to anyone of them. He is just disappointed because of the carelessness of that certain trainee and worried because of the burden of being a leader. He wanted to talk to Jongho again, just like when they had the chance to talk with each other alone in the dorm. A part of him wants to warn him again about that topic and a part of him wants to comfort the youngest. He cannot stay calm or laid back about this, he is also scared for the two of them, he already witnessed this kind of tragedy – the worse one and don’t want anyone to experience being kicked out unless problematic.

He wanted to go now since the alcohol is kicking and somehow adding more confidence to him that he may approach the youngest. It’s not that he is afraid to approach Jongho but it’s still quite difficult for him how to deal this problem without the possibility of hurting him by suggesting one option. He doesn’t want to be an antagonist in someone’s life nor to sound selfish but as a leader he just wants the best for all of them.

When the dinner was delivered, everyone gathered at the dining table except for Hongjoong and Jongho. Seonghwa took his seat and sighed, he just came back from calling the two to have dinner. Hongjoong said that he doesn’t have any appetite tonight so he will just work instead, while Jongho said that he is losing some weight so he won’t eat dinner these days. Everyone is aware that both are still anxious, they are too. They left enough dinner for the two when Seonghwa asked them to, saying that maybe the two would still get hungry later and would look for a midnight snack.

Seonghwa was right, the two got hungry during the midnight and went to the kitchen. Hongjoong was already eating when Jongho came out of his room. When Jongho saw him at the dining table, he stopped and felt the urge to just go back inside of his and Mingi’s room. Hongjoong flinched that made him choke a bit from what he is eating. When Jongho saw it, by instinct, he immediately go towards his hyung and rub his back. He got him a glass of water too.

“Hyung, are you okay?” the youngest asked worriedly.

Hongjoong’s face got redder, it was already red a while ago from the alcohol, but it worsened when he finds it difficult to breathe. He drank first before answering, “I’m okay now. Thanks, Jongho.”

“I.. just went out to have a drink.” Jongho answered and immediately grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and walked heading back to his room but Hongjoong called him.

“Aren’t you hungry? I heard from Seonghwa that you also didn’t have dinner.” Hongjoong pointed to the food left for them by the members, “Have your portion, actually I’ll just eat my portion and go back to our room.”

  
“Thank you, hyung but I’m on diet.” Jongho tried not to meet his eyes which Hongjoong can clearly notice.  
“A diet? Suddenly?” Hongjoong don’t want the boy to go back because he want to talk to him. He doesn’t want the elephant in the room to stay for more days, he wants to make sure that the boy is okay. “Please, have a seat. I want to talk with you.”

Jongho also wanted to talk about it but he is too guilty. He feels small and weak but he wants comfort from his hyungs too. He knows who is the best to lean on at this time but seeing Hongjoong being restless as him makes him more guilty.

“O-okay, Hyung.” Jongho sat at the seat across Hongjoong. He bowed his head and fumbled his fingers again.

“Jongho, I want to know if you are okay. It’s not even a question but I really want to know how you are feeling right now.” Hongjoong asked with a calm tone.

Jongho bit his lower lip, he didn’t answer and just continued to fumble his fingers.

“Do you feel guilty?” Hongjoong asked, “You can be honest with hyung. I’m here for you. Hyung will listen to you.”

Jongho sighed then nodded.

“Do you feel like we are blaming you? Or feeling condemned even though it is not you who got caught?”

Jongho nodded but still continued bowing down his head.

They have silence for a few minutes until soft sobbing sounds came from Jongho. Hongjoong saw the tears falling down from Jongho which surely ended falling down on his pajamas. It is a painful sight for him.

Hongjoong burrowed his eyebrows and clenched his jaw, he felt the urge to hug his youngest brother but chose not to. He knows that Jongho isn’t fond of them giving skinship to him so he just let the boy do it to them whenever he feels to do it. He respects his personal space.

Jongho sobs and he wipes his tears with the back of his hands. After a few more minutes, he lifted his head and wipe some more tears from his eyes and some fluids from his nose.

“Hyung…” he looked directly to Hongjoong’s eyes and tried to smile but his feelings betrayed him which made him to shed more tears. He wanted to apologize badly for causing Hongjoong too much burden.

What really made Jongho more guilty and restless is seeing Hongjoong’s anxiety after the meeting. He felt so bad for him for the first time, thinking how he have become a very considerate leader to all of them and there’s him who have become selfish about his own desires.

Yunho came out but slowly went back in again when he saw the scene in the kitchen. He informed Yeosang about what he saw. Mingi noticed that Jongho haven’t come back yet so he opened the door narrowly to check what make Jongho took so long to come back.

“I’m not angry at you. No one is angry at you.” Hongjoong assured Jongho.

“I’m so sorry for not considering what might happen to anyone of us from my selfish choice.” Jongho continued to shed more tears. “I hate myself.”

Hongjoong felt like someone pricked his heart when he heard the last part of Jongho’s sentence. His instinct told him that it’s time to enter that personal space. He suddenly stood up and went to Jongho’s side.

“Jongho, don’t hate yourself.” he said then he hugged Jongho.

Jongho didn’t complain. To be honest, he needed it. Hongjoong hugged him tightly which made the boy more vulnerable in his arms.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” Jongho kept on muttering in between his sobs.

Hongjoong started to cry too, he felt so helpless in the situation for he knows that he can’t do anything about it neither if they get busted too.

“Should I quit? Should we quit before they find out?!” Jongho asked which made Hongjoong’s eyes widen. He quickly released the boy from his arms and pulled away, hands still holding Jongho’s arms, that he may face him.

“No! No one’s leaving!” Hongjoong blurted out,

“But it can’t be helped, hyung.” Jongho defends.

“Jongho, please, get a hold of yourself. You are just being too anxious right now.” Hongjoong pleaded.

“But hyung, there is only one way to solve this. I know you wanted to suggest that too even from the beginning but I’ll be honest with you, I would never choose that.” Jongho explained, “call me stubborn but I rather not debut than that.”

Hongjoong felt more helpless than ever. He looked at Jongho’s face then examined it, he hugged the boy one last time and went to the bathroom. Jongho heard the water from the sink flow, probably Hongjoong is washing his face. He said goodnight to Jongho when he went out of the bathroom and went straight to his and Seonghwa’s room.

Jongho went back to his and Mingi’s room. Mingi is already sleeping comfortably while he silently cried that night until he fell asleep.

__________________________________

“Please! Trainer-nim, I beg you, do not tell them. Please…” Jongho accidentally overheard Y/N pleading to the dance trainer at the vocal training room. He went there because he decided to practice more for tonight and since no one is scheduled to use it, his request to use it got accepted.

“I’m sorry, Y/N. I’m just doing my job and knowing your years of training here, you should have known the company rules more than me. It’s also our job to watch all off you.” The new female dance trainer explained. Y/N knows it and she clearly understands the trainer but the idea of getting busted and the trouble it will cause to many of them greatly bothers her.

“Please. It’ll be very humiliating especially for Jongho, I don’t want him to experience this kind of humiliation. I don’t want him to get scolded! I don’t care anymore if it’s just about me for I have nothing to lose anymore but if he would be affected too… So please, I’m begging you, please…” Jongho felt like someone stabbed him when he heard his girlfriend’s words.

“Y/N, I’m just doing my job and you as a trainee, should also do your part and by saying that, all of you must obey the rules. Besides, this is all for your dream debut.” The trainer said. She doesn’t sound angry, it’s just that she want to do her job well.

Y/N started to sob and from the narrow opening of the door, Jongho saw that she even kneeled as she rub her palms together. Witnessing his girlfriend pleading shamelessly for him hurts him so much.

“If you two had been really careful, honestly no one will ever find out, I too was surprised when I caught you two in the mall last weekends. At first, I never suspected but recalling that I even saw you two at the bus stop? It started to make me think twice. That is why I started to watch the two of you more carefully.” The trainer explained as she try to pull Y/N that she may stand up.

“What can I do for you not to tell them? Please, I want him to debut. I don’t care anymore if I won’t.” Jongho’s eyes widened and his heart started to race as if it’s going to burst upon hearing Y/N’s words.

“I don’t know, Y/N. A rule is a rule, it is very unfair for other trainees if I’ll just let the two of you.” She also felt bad that she needs to tell the authorities in their company but he just want to be fair to every trainee. One suggestion came to her mind, “Well… I feel bad if only one of you will debut, you two are one of the outstanding trainees here – it’s a big lost. I also don’t know what will be the consequence for the two of you when they finally know it…Why not considering breaking up?”

“N-no… No!” Y/N freaked out. Good thing only few trainees are left at this hour in the company and for sure no one besides the 3 of them is aware of what is happening right now. “I’LL QUIT! JUST DON’T LET THEM KNOW.” she shouted then she bowed, hands on top of each other while head resting over it, her tears wet the floor.

Jongho can’t take it anymore, he opened the door widely surprising them.

“JONGHO!” Y/N gasped, “HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?!”

Jongho was really raging and clenching his jaw tightly. He wanted to shout how unfair it is but instead he joined Y/N in bowing instead. “Trainer-nim, please, we beg you. Do not tell them. We’re very sorry.”

The trainer felt more bad upon the sudden appearance of Jongho.

“It’s my fault. Please, blame it on me!” Jongho pleaded.

The trainer got teary. She is also aware of how unfair most of the company’s rule, she also witnessed the hardships of every trainees and idols even from the previous company that she came from. She also hates it especially depriving them to see their families for a long time. She is fully aware of it but a job is a job for her. She slowly kneel down in order to reach the two who is sobbing while bowing down on the floor. “You two, stop that. Please, lift your heads.” She inhaled deeply and met their teary eyes, “Okay, I won’t say anything but this is the last time. Once I catch you two in the act, I won’t hesitate to tell them immediately.”

They wiped their tears after hearing the second chance given by her. They both said thank you and kept on apologizing to her.

“Please, wipe your tears. You both need to go home, it’s getting late.” She comforted them and continued, “Jongho, I need to talk to Hongjoong. Don’t hate me for this but I have to inform him of what happened. I want to discuss about it with him, tell him that I need to talk to him at the café tomorrow by lunch time. I believe he is also aware of your relationship.”

Jongho went back to the dorm by 8 pm. San noticed that he has puffed eyes and whispered to Hongjoong about it. Jongho wanted to tell Hongjoong about it only but he also wants to be transparent to the whole group. Jongho once again didn’t eat dinner with them and just stayed at his room. Mingi was so worried about his roommate so he chose to check on him and when he saw Jongho sobbing in the bed, he went out and told the rest of them. Yunho suggested that Hongjoong should talk to Jongho again.

Just in time, Jongho went out of his room when all of them just finished their dinner. Eyes puffy from crying, dark circles getting more prominent from sleepless nights and problems, and some features of his face getting more prominent from losing weight since the last few months. They all felt pity for him.

“I wanted to tell you all about something.” he said seriously in a soft and hoarse tone. He rushed near the dining table and bowed down onto the floor just like how he pleaded with Y/N a while ago. “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry… One of the trainers already knows it!”

He heard some of them gasped while some suddenly choked. His voice was mulled as he continues to apologize while his head is over his hands that is on the floor.

“BUT WE BEGGED AND SHE AGREED NOT TO TELL THEM.” Jongho continued. He rose up and then went at Hongjoong’s side, “Hyung, she said that she wanted to talk about it with you tomorrow at the café by lunch time.” And he bowed down again.

Seonghwa can’t take this view anymore so he pulled Jongho that he may stand up. He pulled the boy to the living room’s sofa and comforted him.

Hongjoong can’t believe what just happened.

__________________________________

“Jongho, she already left.” Yunho said as he hands Jongho his phone.

“What?! That’s impossible! If there would be someone to know if she left, shouldn’t it be me?” Jongho freaked out at the bus stop. Tonight he also went home later than them but for the first time Yunho chose to accompany him until he finished practicing. He thought that maybe Yunho is just worried that he might end up going home at the dorm crying again so he chose to stay.

“She quit 3 days ago already… I’m sorry to tell you just now, Jongho.” Yunho confessed.

“You knew it, Hyung?!” Jongho, feeling betrayed, started to become teary.

“I and only Hongjoong hyung only to be exact.” Yunho tried to calm him down by holding him on his shoulders, “This is also the reason why I stayed today, Y/N requested to tell you about it when it’s Friday already. Hongjoong can’t afford to say it to you anymore.”

“What else do you know? Hyung, tell everything to me!” Jongho’s voice cracked as he stops the lump forming in his throat.

“She is still in her apartment.”

“ _Still_? What do you mean by that?”

“It’s better if you should see her yourself. Hongjoong also asked me to tell you that if you needed time to talk with her, he gave you the permission but be back on Sunday.”

“I-I need to go!”

“I’m coming with you, I can’t afford to see you coming home broken again.”

__________________________________

When Jongho arrived at Y/N’s apartment, he noticed that most of her personal things are already packed in her suitcase, the same suitcase she used when they went to L.A. Her apartment’s furniture are mostly covered now with white cloth. Y/N brought out two more bags in the living room.

Jongho went straight to Y/N, he grabbed the bags away from her hands and dropped them carefully, then he hugged her tightly. He burrowed his head to her neck and started crying shamelessly. He felt very small that time just like a little boy begging his mom not to go somewhere.

The sight made Yunho sad too, seeing his long time-friend saying goodbye and preparing to leave while his closest younger brother begging her not to go really makes him want to lose his shit too but he just stayed there and watched quietly.

Y/N rubbed Jongho’s hair, “Jongho, I’m sorry.”

“You are not.” Jongho answered immediately, head still burrowed on her neck, fully aware that he made his girlfriend's shoulder wet.

“If you are truly sorry, then you would tell me in the first place.” Jongho just felt hopeless, broken, defeated and helpless. He just wanted to rant about his feelings about this unfairness.

“I hate you. I hate you so much!” he whined but he tightens his arm around her. “I hate that you are so selfless, why would you give up on your dreams for mine? I hate that you always think of me to the point that you sacrifice yourself. I hate that you are so caring and just want to protect me but you fail to take care of yourself. I hate you so much but I hate it that I still love you.”

Y/N tried to pull away so she can face Jongho but he is more stubborn.

“Please don’t go.” he pleaded in a voice that is almost a whisper. Y/N looked at Yunho who is now silently sobbing at the where he is just standing. She signaled Yunho to help him.

Yunho approached them carefully, “Jongho, release her for a while.” he said when he tapped lightly Jongho’s back. Jongho just shrugged him harshly that made Y/N surprised because she is being dragged too.

“Jongho!” she gasped.

“Don’t leave! Don’t leave! Don’t leave!” Jongho whined helplessly.

“Baby, I’m not yet leaving… but soon.” Y/N explained.

“But you’re still leaving!”

“I’m very sorry. I already quit. I even dropped out from my university yesterday. I badly wanna tell you before but I know how stubborn you can be.”

“No! NO!” Jongho’s hug became intolerable for Y/N this time, she can feel his anger. She squirmed and Yunho tried to pull them both but the younger is really strong.

“J-Jongho! It h-hurts!" then Jongho pulled away, as if something stung him. Y/N lost her balance but Yunho managed to grab her hand.

“Jongho, you are hurting her.” Yunho said firmly. Y/N held Yunho’s hand and whispered, “It’s okay. Don’t worry.” Then she went to Jongho who is now kneeling.

“Baby, calm down. Please. Please.” She cupped his face and gave him pecks. Then she looked at Yunho and gave him a small nod implying that it’s okay. Yunho went out for a while to let the two have their moment.

“Baby, please. I know that you’ll hate me but I have no choice. We talked about this before, right?” Y/N tries to calm him by showering him more pecks on his neck and jawline. The sensation made him calmer but his tears won’t stop. Y/N held his fisted hands and whispered to his ears, “Calm down, I don’t want you to hurt yourself too.”

“When is your flight?” he asked as he tries to calm himself.

She pulled away to face him, “On Monday, 7 am.”

“That’s too fast!” he exclaimed.

Y/N kissed his lips and he kissed her back. The kiss started softly, his hands trailed on her back while his lips went to her cheek, going down to her jawline. Y/N bit her lip to stop a moan and being aware that Yunho is still outside and might suddenly went back inside.

“Yunho is still here.” she whispered.

“You started this.” he whispered in her ears.

“Because you won’t stop crying.” Jongho kissed her neck which made her squirm.

“I want to remember everything about you.” Jongho’s warm breath hitting her neck, “I don’t know when we will ever be together again like this."

Jongho’s words hits hard to Y/N, “Stay here for a while.”

“Hongjoong hyung said that I should go back by Sunday. Didn’t he know your flight too?”

Yunho went back inside and saw the two who end up cuddling.

“You two should just continue that there.” he scoffed while pointing his index finger on the bedroom.

“Tell Hongjoong hyung I’ll go back by Monday.” Jongho blatantly demanded.

“But he said-…” Jongho cut him.

“Please. This is the last time. Just let me see her go and at least bid a goodbye.” Jongho pleaded, “I would work harder in the future and cause you all no trouble but just let me have these remaining days with Y/N.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone please give Jongho a hug ㅠㅠ  
> Or perhaps all the love from this world because HE DESERVES!!


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did it end like how you imagined it to be?

“Woah you are really that flexible huh.” Mingi exclaimed as San showed him some taekwondo kicks.

“Of course! I was a black belter during my active days!” San gracefully answered.

“Teach me! Teach me!” Mingi asked San cutely.

“Mingi, we all know you can’t last.” Yeosang savagely burned Mingi.

The boys are having fun by the Han River one Saturday, everyone is present except Jongho who chose to stay at the dorm. Some Saturdays he will spend it at his parent's' house in the province, at the gym or just staying at the dorm. He wants to make himself busy for the past few months than spend time with his hyungs. It’s not that he is disregarding their efforts to help him move on but the sweet and soft moments makes it more difficult to tolerate his longings for Y/N. He craved for vigorous activities like exercising at the gym alone. He wanted to join them but he still needs time for himself.

Yunho and Wooyoung came back with different kinds of drinks that they ordered at a nearby café.

“Who ordered the Iced Americano? Jongho’s not here.” Hongjoong asked

“It’s mine.” Seonghwa said

“You can’t drink this, why did you ordered it?” Hongjoong teased

“I just miss our maknae, I got curious how it tastes.” Then Seonghwa sipped

“That’s bitt-” Hongjoong was cut off by Seonghwa’s coughs after the bitter taste hit him, “Told you.”

“Hyung! Hyung! Maybe you should not allow him to do his errands next Saturday. We have given him enough time, I guess? He needs people to talk to.” Wooyoung suggested

“I know, Wooyoung but we cannot force him.” Hongjoong said

“How long has it been again since it happened?” Yeosang asked

“3 months.” Yunho answered.

  
__________________________________

Jongho slowly started to be okay, he realized that he should not waste what Y/N had sacrificed for him. He thought that maybe he had given himself enough time and should now allow people inside his circle again. He further understood and saw the significances of Y/N asking him to spend time with his hyungs. It still hurts but the pain became more tolerable as time goes by.

He misses her day by day; her scent when he cuddles him, her scoffs when he teases him, her presence in this dull building – everything. His hyungs never failed to make him feel accompanied. Happiness and relief filled the heart of his hyungs when he decided to come with them the next Saturday and it happened again and again until Jongho joins them regularly.

Their brotherhood became stronger and time went by that they are now ready to debut. They already had their meetings about it and how the company plans on promoting them. Jongho slowly focused more on his debut and felt happy about it.

Then he remembered Y/N again.

On that day when Y/N left South Korea, Jongho vowed not to break up with her and that their separation is just like a long vacation for they will meet again. Y/N also vowed and even promised to be loyal to him even when he is not around, she promised that she will focus on her new journey and remember that she left and buried a treasure somewhere in this country that she needs to look for again in the future, when the time is right.

There is one request that Y/N asked and that is, “Message me if you will finally debut. Do not contact me unless you are for real going to debut. I want you to learn now to reach for your dream eventhough I’m not beside you, okay?”

He was hesitant at first, but look at him now, he was able to survive it.

He knew that this will be the last time for now so he will savor every minute just to hear again the voice of that person who never fails to make him complete. He is nervous and restless again, this time everyone knows. All of them received their phones and were told by the manager that they are given 24 hours to use it for the last time before they debut on October 24 of this year. The manager told them to call or communicate now with their family as long as they are still not confiscated yet, for the next time that they will be able to touch it, is when they finally get their first win.

Jongho called his parents first and told them about his debut. After his brief call, for even her parents are short spoken like him, he called Y/N right away.

Y/N didn’t pick up.

He started to wonder if she already changed her number. Did she change her number without letting him know? Just like how she didn’t tell him about her leaving the company? His heart pounded inside his chest. The pain of the past slowly started to creep in.

“Jongho! Jongho!” he heard a voice.

“A-ah, hyung, why?”

“You look like you’re in deep thought again. You okay?” Wooyoung asked as he munch on a junkfood that he just bought from the convenience store.

“Y/N’s not answering my call.” Jongho didn’t hesitate to tell him.

“Try on KKT.” Wooyoung encourage and went to the kitchen to grab a cola from the fridge.

“She isn’t answering too. I even messaged her two hours ago.”

“Dude, what time is it there?” Wooyoung said then he gulps from his cola can.

“Ooh…” Jongho realiized that it was nighttime there and she might still be sleeping.

__________________________________

Jongho can’t wait it anymore and felt like the hour passing without him being able to contact her is a waste of time. He chose to type long messages, it was a messy message. He don’t know how to start it and just typed everything according to his instincts. He typed everything that he remembers that happened for the last few months since she left. He typed how it hurts and how much he misses her. He typed how he slowly learned to carry on and now soon to debut, all thanks to her. He typed how he love her and how he longs to cuddle at her apartment. He included even some funny events that happened and how he and Wooyoung now became closer. At the end of his message, he asked her that if she hasn’t changed her number yet, she must call him because soon he won’t be able to contact her anymore for who knows how long.

Jongho fell asleep soon after he wrote his long KKT message.

  
__________________________________

It was around 2am KST when Jongho woke up from the vibration from his phone, he quickly grabbed it from the coffee table and looked at who was calling him.

 _Stubborn_ _Noona_ 9 _missed_ _calls_

He immediately rose and straighten up from his seat, with no hesitation he swiped and answered the call.

“Noona?!” he blurted out, voice and hands shaking from too much excitement. He covered his mouth right after answering the call thinking he might woke up some members who are already sleeping.

“Noona? Is that you?” he whispered when he heard nothing from the caller. Of course, he knows that someone is there for he can hear some sounds at the background but the caller is still not answering.

“Hello?” then he checked the screen if the call is still going – it is. “Noona? Please, answer me. Is this really you? My Noona??” his voice sounds desperate.

“ _Jongho_ - _ya_ ” Y/N answered softly. Slowly, soft sobbing sounds can be heard from Y/N. “ _It’s_ _me_. _Looks like_ _you wanna call me noona again_?” she teased.

“Are you crying?!” Jongho whispered worriedly, “Why? What happened?!”

“ _Fool_.” Y/N answered.

“What did I do?!”

“ _Fool! Your long message is the first thing I read in the morning, and what took you so long to answer?! How do you expect me to react_??” Y/N answered in between her sobbing.

A smile formed on the face of Jongho, he rubbed his forehead and chuckled.

“ _And now you’re laughing at me_?!” Y/N whined.

“I missed you so much. I didn’t know that your scoffs will be the first words I would hear from you after a long time. I missed that.”

Jongho’s tears formed in the corner of his eyes and when they started to fall, he rubs them away using the back of his hands. He is very careful for he doesn’t want Y/N to know that he is also sobbing.

“I… _I’m just so happy for you, my love_.” Y/N said which never fails to make his heart flutter. Y/N’s sudden use of endearments is one of his weaknesses.

Even though he already wrote his message, he still told them to her and she just let him and listened to it all over again, as always. When he finished, Y/N asked him to sing but because it’s midnight in Korea, Jongho chose to hum.

“ _What song is that?_ ” Y/N asked.

“It’s one of our side tracks, it's called Twilight. That’s my part. Since it’s midnight here, it reminds me of that song.”

“ _I love it! Do you have more_?”

“Ma’am, you should be grateful that you have a boyfriend who let you listen to unreleased tracks.” Y/N chuckled from his answer. Jongho hummed another song.

“ _What’s the title of it?”_

“Stay.”

“ _Damn… I can’t wait to hear the lyrics. I wonder how they were written. Hongjoong took part on it, right?_ ”

“Yes! Hyung never changed ever since…you left.” The tune of Jongho’s voice, given that he is whispering, became deeper. He can’t even bare to let it out of his lips. The same thing goes with Y/N, she can’t bear to hear those words from him. She knows it badly hurt him. “but I advice him to take a rest, the others too. We’ve all became closer.”

“ _I’m very glad to hear that from you_.”

There was a few minutes of silence until Y/N broke it. “ _Jongho_ ,”

“Hmm?”

“ _I’m so proud of you, always remember that and it will never change. I’m so proud of you since the day you helped me in my vocal practices up until now._ ” Jongho listened carefully to every words she says. He leaned near the couch’s arm and started imagining that she is just beside him.

“ _I’m proud that you are able to comply with my requests and how selfless you have been for me. I’m so proud at how you were able to comply even my request of not contacting me, you had endured a lot. I know that it had been difficult for you._ ”

“I believe that you have endured a lot too, Y/N. Besides, I would do everything because I love you.” Jongho answered. “I am so proud of you too. It has been difficult for me to understand but time let me understood the significance of your actions. I owe you a lot and I will not waste your sacrifices. So you too, do not give up on this new journey that you chose. I hope that you will enjoy your journey as I do even though we are apart.”

“ _We might be apart but it is temporary. I hope to see you soon. I miss you so much!_ ”

“I miss you more!” Jongho shifted from his seat and his voice became louder but not too loud to bother the members.

“ _Hey_ , _why not hum the lullaby you always sing for me? I want to record it so I can listen to it before I sleep._ ”

“Sure!”


	20. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY, it's the last chapter.
> 
> ...this is just a glimpse

“Please fall in line properly according to your ticket order! No pushing, no line skipping, and no fighting! Those who need to go to the bathroom, do it now! There is only thirty minutes left before the fansigning event starts!”

Make-up artists did their final touches for each member’s make-up, hair stylists made sure that their hairstyles won’t easily get ruined when they dance, coordinators arranged every clothes for every members’ stages and the technical team made sure that every ear-pieces and microphones are working. This is not just a simple fansigning event, it is their first ever official fansign.

“Are they here? Will they come?” Hongjoong asked himself.

One of the staffs opened the main door to the hall, one by one the fans went in according to their cue, certain noonas carried their expensive cameras, which are allowed, with them. As the fans took their seat, the boys slowly entered the hall and greeted the fans with their lovely smiles.

__________________________________

“Hello!” Jongho greeted the second to the last fan with his cute smile. The fan just bowed politely as she took her seat across him. Every turn lasts for 5 minutes but it depends if some of the members take more time in interacting with each fan.

The fan wore eyeglasses and a face mask. Her bangs are well styled over her forehead which makes it difficult for Jongho to see her face. He is sure that the fan is smiling as he sees her eyes crinkle at the sides.

“Oh, are you okay?” Jongho asked, “Are you sick? Why are you wearing a mask?”

The fan didn’t answer immediately and just felt star struck as she looks straight into his eyes. Jongho kind of felt that maybe the fan was just so astonished and he noticed that her eyes went teary.

“Oh? Are you okay? Do you want me to ask the staff for a glass of water?” Jongho worried as he awkwardly try to pat her shoulders.

“Oh, N-no, I’m alright, Jongho-ya.” the fan finally responded.

“Oh! You must be a noona!” he continued as he continue to use his gentle smile which he had been wearing since the fansigning event started. “What’s your name?” he asked as he removes the cap of the black marker he was using to sign each fan’s albums.

“Iced Americano.” she answered as she hands her album’s photobook which is already opened to his page, “Just put those words.”

Jongho opened the photobook swiftly signed her album and wrote those words at the top left of his page. “Iced… Americano” he murmured as he wrote. He smiled at her, “I Love Iced Americano though? Do you like them too?”

“Yes, I love it so much. Especially the one from **** café.” the fan answered cheerfully.

“I like that café too! It was a very special café for me. Who is your favorite member?” Jongho continued.

“You.” the fan answered immediately.

Her voice is sweet but because of the face mask, it doesn’t sound very clear for him. Keeping in his mind about doing fan services for every fans, Jongho thought of teasing the noona by acting that he can’t hear her and she needs to lean a little closer. He put his hand near his left ear, gesturing to her and says, “Noona, I can’t clearly hear you.” with a cute tone.

The Noona fan lean just a little bit closer just enough not to be called out by the staffs watching over them. As Jongho smiles at her and try to see what she looks like, for he want to memorize the face of his fans. As he looks at her, her necklace caught his attention which made him lose his smile just for a while. It was so quick and he made sure his fansites won’t notice it then he tried to smile again as he ask carefully, “T-that necklace… It looks good on you…”

The noona fan smiled, as what Jongho thinks as he saw her eyes turning into a crescent, and shifted his attention. “Oh! Thanks, my boyfriend gave it on my birthday. By the way, I have a post-it question!” It’s on the next page.”

Jongho felt something but he don’t want to assume. He carefully flipped the page and saw the post-it. The post-it’s size is the usual size but the letters written are small.

“…I have quickly slipped a tiny box under the table while I was about to sit. Quickly get it later before anyone find it! I always miss you. I am still proud of you. I love you so much.”

Jongho slowly moved his foot below, trying to feel if there is really a tiny box and bingo! There is! So he carefully pulled it with his feet and hid them under his chair. He wants to shout, to suddenly stand up or to grab her hand. He wanted to cry. She looks at her eyes again and then to her necklace. He tried his very best to keep his composure.

The fan’s mood changed and slowly became loose, she raised her hand but not too high, gesturing for a friendly not-so-high high-five which Jongho cheerfully accepted. He then intertwined his fingers with her, which she also did and gently grip her hands. He wanted to say the same words, that he misses her, that he is also proud of him and his love for her had never changed but he can’t…fansites’ cameras kept on shuttering.

“ATEEZ’s Choi Jongho is my bias,” Y/N said as she felt that he is somehow losing his composure.

The only words that came out of his lips that will never sound suspicious are, “I love you too! I love my fans!"

5 minutes done and the next person to Y/N is preparing to go to her chair. Y/N said goodbye to Jongho as they removed their hands from intertwining with each other. Jongho doesn’t want to release but he have to, the next fan is waiting, “Bye, Iced Americano! See you next fansigning event!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BOOK 1, rather I say, the FIRST PART of this SERIES already ended!
> 
> Yes, it will have a SECOND PART! So if you have reached the end of this work, I would really like to send my gratitude to you. If you still want to read the next part, please look forward to it in a few months!
> 
> The SECOND PART is already a WIP but I wanna know your thoughts too! Feel free to comment below:
> 
> What are the things that you want to discover for the next part?  
> Do you want to have a side story?  
> Do you want FLUFF? Or ANGST?  
> Do you expect to have a higher rating this time?
> 
> Lastly, KUDOS are very appreciated! So give this work a kudos if you enjoyed it! It'll will also help me to improve.


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